Feeds

Second Freeview box signals alien invasion fleet

Sinister transmissions continue

  • alert
  • submit to reddit

Bridging the IT gap between rising business demands and ageing tools

The neoLuddite Resistance Army (NRA) is today on Defcon Laguna following the chilling news that a second Freeview box has been making pre-invasion broadcasts to the Lizard Army battle fleet.

Regular readers will recall the recent case in Portsmouth when Freeview equipment sent out a distress signal strong enough to be picked up by a satellite and trigger an alert response at RAF Kinloss.

The RAF's Kinloss station is once again in the front line in the apocalyptic struggle against the Rise of the Machines™ since, on January 24, it alerted the Falmouth Coastguard of a similar "1215" distress signal emanating from the Wembury near Plymouth.

The BBC reports that the box's owner, 67-year-old Mary Donaldson, was absolutely oblivious to the threat her TV viewing habits posed to the very survival of humanity until two chaps turned up at her door and presumably asked her if she was aware it was an offence under the Telcommunications Act to broadcast attack commands to advanced alien civilisations.

The Freeview box has since been taken away for "testing" - a well-known euphemism for "delivery back to the Renault factory for debriefing and reprogramming with new orders". We suspect that Ms Donaldson has either already had her memory wiped or was "invited" to spend a penny in a Newcastle cyberloo.

Our belief that Freeview is controlled - via the traditional explosive cranial implants - by the Lizard Alliance was confirmed when the company told the Beeb it was not proposing a recall of the millions of boxes already deployed around the country. A spokesdrone said: "It is not a big issue for us at the moment - it is two boxes out of 10 million we have in the country. Therefore, we are not putting together a contingency plan yet."

Enough said. NRA cadres are warned to watch for the traditional signs of imminent alien invasion: break-dancing Citroëns, fire-breathing buses, self-combusting DVD players, and so forth. Furthemore, under no circumstances leave a Freeview box alone in a room with a Dyson vacuum cleaner. New NRA recruits can find out why right here. ®

The Rise of the Machines™

Lizard Army fuses woman with black helicopter
NRA probes Japanese sex android
Androids launch minicab firm
Beware the breast-examining hand of death
Lizard Army Neo-Mech menaces eBay
Vampire robonurses hunt in packs
Captain Cyborg gives forth on CNN
Cornell Uni develops apocalypse cube
Sex android begats Armageddon machine
Man executes Chrysler
Rise of the man-eating cyberloo
Sobbing Frenchman recounts Renault Laguna terror ordeal
Fire-breathing bus attacks South London
Dyson unleashes self-replicating hoover
Battling teen crushes roboarm menace
French join motorised Lizard Alliance
Lizard Army develops copulating robot
We are Zogg: The Cuddly Menace
Lizard Army invades Alaska
London menaced by flaming DVD players
Killer hoover attacks Scotsman
Car self-destructs in assassination bid
The rise of the rat-brain controlled android
Japanese unveil trumpet-playing robot
Boffins unleash robotic cockroach
Ukrainian teen fights the Rise of the Machines
Man in satanic Renault terror ordeal
Killer cyberappliances: Satan implicated
US develops motorised robobollard
Killer cyberloo kidnaps kiddie
A robot in every home by 2010
Cyberappliances attack Italian village
Fire-breathing buses threaten London
Cyberloo blast rocks Stoke-on-Trent
Spanish cyberkiosks claim second victim
Cyberkiosk assaults Spanish teenager
Hi-tech toilet caught on camera
Hi-tech toilet swallows woman

Mobile application security vulnerability report

More from The Register

next story
Malaysian Airlines flight MH17 claimed lives of HIV/AIDS cure scientists
Researchers, advocates, health workers among those on shot-down plane
Mwa-ha-ha-ha! Eccentric billionaire Musk gets his PRIVATE SPACEPORT
In the Lone Star State, perhaps appropriately enough
All those new '5G standards'? Here's the science they rely on
Radio professor tells us how wireless will get faster in the real world
The Sun took a day off last week and made NO sunspots
Someone needs to get that lazy star cooking again before things get cold around here
Boffins discuss AI space program at hush-hush IARPA confab
IBM, MIT, plenty of others invited to fill Uncle Sam's spy toolchest, but where's Google?
Microsoft's anti-bug breakthrough: Wire devs to BRAIN SCANNERS
Clippy: It looks your hands are shaking, are you sure you want to commit this code?
prev story

Whitepapers

Designing a Defense for Mobile Applications
Learn about the various considerations for defending mobile applications - from the application architecture itself to the myriad testing technologies.
How modern custom applications can spur business growth
Learn how to create, deploy and manage custom applications without consuming or expanding the need for scarce, expensive IT resources.
Reducing security risks from open source software
Follow a few strategies and your organization can gain the full benefits of open source and the cloud without compromising the security of your applications.
Boost IT visibility and business value
How building a great service catalog relieves pressure points and demonstrates the value of IT service management.
Consolidation: the foundation for IT and business transformation
In this whitepaper learn how effective consolidation of IT and business resources can enable multiple, meaningful business benefits.