Feeds

Second Freeview box signals alien invasion fleet

Sinister transmissions continue

  • alert
  • submit to reddit

Secure remote control for conventional and virtual desktops

The neoLuddite Resistance Army (NRA) is today on Defcon Laguna following the chilling news that a second Freeview box has been making pre-invasion broadcasts to the Lizard Army battle fleet.

Regular readers will recall the recent case in Portsmouth when Freeview equipment sent out a distress signal strong enough to be picked up by a satellite and trigger an alert response at RAF Kinloss.

The RAF's Kinloss station is once again in the front line in the apocalyptic struggle against the Rise of the Machines™ since, on January 24, it alerted the Falmouth Coastguard of a similar "1215" distress signal emanating from the Wembury near Plymouth.

The BBC reports that the box's owner, 67-year-old Mary Donaldson, was absolutely oblivious to the threat her TV viewing habits posed to the very survival of humanity until two chaps turned up at her door and presumably asked her if she was aware it was an offence under the Telcommunications Act to broadcast attack commands to advanced alien civilisations.

The Freeview box has since been taken away for "testing" - a well-known euphemism for "delivery back to the Renault factory for debriefing and reprogramming with new orders". We suspect that Ms Donaldson has either already had her memory wiped or was "invited" to spend a penny in a Newcastle cyberloo.

Our belief that Freeview is controlled - via the traditional explosive cranial implants - by the Lizard Alliance was confirmed when the company told the Beeb it was not proposing a recall of the millions of boxes already deployed around the country. A spokesdrone said: "It is not a big issue for us at the moment - it is two boxes out of 10 million we have in the country. Therefore, we are not putting together a contingency plan yet."

Enough said. NRA cadres are warned to watch for the traditional signs of imminent alien invasion: break-dancing Citroëns, fire-breathing buses, self-combusting DVD players, and so forth. Furthemore, under no circumstances leave a Freeview box alone in a room with a Dyson vacuum cleaner. New NRA recruits can find out why right here. ®

The Rise of the Machines™

Lizard Army fuses woman with black helicopter
NRA probes Japanese sex android
Androids launch minicab firm
Beware the breast-examining hand of death
Lizard Army Neo-Mech menaces eBay
Vampire robonurses hunt in packs
Captain Cyborg gives forth on CNN
Cornell Uni develops apocalypse cube
Sex android begats Armageddon machine
Man executes Chrysler
Rise of the man-eating cyberloo
Sobbing Frenchman recounts Renault Laguna terror ordeal
Fire-breathing bus attacks South London
Dyson unleashes self-replicating hoover
Battling teen crushes roboarm menace
French join motorised Lizard Alliance
Lizard Army develops copulating robot
We are Zogg: The Cuddly Menace
Lizard Army invades Alaska
London menaced by flaming DVD players
Killer hoover attacks Scotsman
Car self-destructs in assassination bid
The rise of the rat-brain controlled android
Japanese unveil trumpet-playing robot
Boffins unleash robotic cockroach
Ukrainian teen fights the Rise of the Machines
Man in satanic Renault terror ordeal
Killer cyberappliances: Satan implicated
US develops motorised robobollard
Killer cyberloo kidnaps kiddie
A robot in every home by 2010
Cyberappliances attack Italian village
Fire-breathing buses threaten London
Cyberloo blast rocks Stoke-on-Trent
Spanish cyberkiosks claim second victim
Cyberkiosk assaults Spanish teenager
Hi-tech toilet caught on camera
Hi-tech toilet swallows woman

Secure remote control for conventional and virtual desktops

More from The Register

next story
Renewable energy 'simply WON'T WORK': Top Google engineers
Windmills, solar, tidal - all a 'false hope', say Stanford PhDs
FORGET the CLIMATE: FATTIES are a MUCH BIGGER problem - study
Fat guy? Drink or smoke? You're worse than a TERRORIST
SEX BEAST SEALS may be egging each other on to ATTACK PENGUINS
Boffin: 'I think the behaviour is increasing in frequency'
HUMAN DNA 'will be FOUND ON MOON' – rockin' boffin Brian Cox
Crowdfund plan to stimulate Blighty's space programme
Post-pub nosh neckfiller: The MIGHTY Scotch egg
Off to the boozer? This delicacy might help mitigate the effects
I'M SO SORRY, sobs Rosetta Brit boffin in 'sexist' sexy shirt storm
'He is just being himself' says proud mum of larger-than-life physicist
NASA launches new climate model at SC14
75 days of supercomputing later ...
Britain's HUMAN DNA-strewing Moon mission rakes in £200k
3 days, and Kickstarter moves lander 37% nearer takeoff
prev story

Whitepapers

Why and how to choose the right cloud vendor
The benefits of cloud-based storage in your processes. Eliminate onsite, disk-based backup and archiving in favor of cloud-based data protection.
Getting started with customer-focused identity management
Learn why identity is a fundamental requirement to digital growth, and how without it there is no way to identify and engage customers in a meaningful way.
Reg Reader Research: SaaS based Email and Office Productivity Tools
Read this Reg reader report which provides advice and guidance for SMBs towards the use of SaaS based email and Office productivity tools.
The next step in data security
With recent increased privacy concerns and computers becoming more powerful, the chance of hackers being able to crack smaller-sized RSA keys increases.
Storage capacity and performance optimization at Mizuno USA
Mizuno USA turn to Tegile storage technology to solve both their SAN and backup issues.