Feeds

Second Freeview box signals alien invasion fleet

Sinister transmissions continue

  • alert
  • submit to reddit

Boost IT visibility and business value

The neoLuddite Resistance Army (NRA) is today on Defcon Laguna following the chilling news that a second Freeview box has been making pre-invasion broadcasts to the Lizard Army battle fleet.

Regular readers will recall the recent case in Portsmouth when Freeview equipment sent out a distress signal strong enough to be picked up by a satellite and trigger an alert response at RAF Kinloss.

The RAF's Kinloss station is once again in the front line in the apocalyptic struggle against the Rise of the Machines™ since, on January 24, it alerted the Falmouth Coastguard of a similar "1215" distress signal emanating from the Wembury near Plymouth.

The BBC reports that the box's owner, 67-year-old Mary Donaldson, was absolutely oblivious to the threat her TV viewing habits posed to the very survival of humanity until two chaps turned up at her door and presumably asked her if she was aware it was an offence under the Telcommunications Act to broadcast attack commands to advanced alien civilisations.

The Freeview box has since been taken away for "testing" - a well-known euphemism for "delivery back to the Renault factory for debriefing and reprogramming with new orders". We suspect that Ms Donaldson has either already had her memory wiped or was "invited" to spend a penny in a Newcastle cyberloo.

Our belief that Freeview is controlled - via the traditional explosive cranial implants - by the Lizard Alliance was confirmed when the company told the Beeb it was not proposing a recall of the millions of boxes already deployed around the country. A spokesdrone said: "It is not a big issue for us at the moment - it is two boxes out of 10 million we have in the country. Therefore, we are not putting together a contingency plan yet."

Enough said. NRA cadres are warned to watch for the traditional signs of imminent alien invasion: break-dancing Citroëns, fire-breathing buses, self-combusting DVD players, and so forth. Furthemore, under no circumstances leave a Freeview box alone in a room with a Dyson vacuum cleaner. New NRA recruits can find out why right here. ®

The Rise of the Machines™

Lizard Army fuses woman with black helicopter
NRA probes Japanese sex android
Androids launch minicab firm
Beware the breast-examining hand of death
Lizard Army Neo-Mech menaces eBay
Vampire robonurses hunt in packs
Captain Cyborg gives forth on CNN
Cornell Uni develops apocalypse cube
Sex android begats Armageddon machine
Man executes Chrysler
Rise of the man-eating cyberloo
Sobbing Frenchman recounts Renault Laguna terror ordeal
Fire-breathing bus attacks South London
Dyson unleashes self-replicating hoover
Battling teen crushes roboarm menace
French join motorised Lizard Alliance
Lizard Army develops copulating robot
We are Zogg: The Cuddly Menace
Lizard Army invades Alaska
London menaced by flaming DVD players
Killer hoover attacks Scotsman
Car self-destructs in assassination bid
The rise of the rat-brain controlled android
Japanese unveil trumpet-playing robot
Boffins unleash robotic cockroach
Ukrainian teen fights the Rise of the Machines
Man in satanic Renault terror ordeal
Killer cyberappliances: Satan implicated
US develops motorised robobollard
Killer cyberloo kidnaps kiddie
A robot in every home by 2010
Cyberappliances attack Italian village
Fire-breathing buses threaten London
Cyberloo blast rocks Stoke-on-Trent
Spanish cyberkiosks claim second victim
Cyberkiosk assaults Spanish teenager
Hi-tech toilet caught on camera
Hi-tech toilet swallows woman

Gartner critical capabilities for enterprise endpoint backup

More from The Register

next story
LOHAN packs bags for SPACEPORT AMERICA!
Spanish launch goes titsup, we're off to the US of A
Gigantic toothless 'DRAGONS' dominated Earth's early skies
Gummy pterosaurs outlived toothy competitors
'Leccy racer whacks petrols in Oz race
ELMOFO rakes in two wins in sanctioned race
Boffins ID freakish spine-smothered prehistoric critter: The CLAW gave it away
Bizarre-looking creature actually related to velvet worms
CRR-CRRRK, beep, beep: Mars space truck backs out of slippery sand trap
Curiosity finds new drilling target after course correction
Astronomers scramble for obs on new comet
Amateur gets fifth confirmed discovery
Boffins build CYBORG-MOTHRA but not for evil: For search & rescue
This tiny bio-bot will chew through your clothes then save your life
Vulture 2 takes a battering in 100km/h test run
Still in one piece, but we're going to need MORE POWER
What does a flashmob of 1,024 robots look like? Just like this
Sorry, Harvard, did you say kilobots or KILLER BOTS?
prev story

Whitepapers

Implementing global e-invoicing with guaranteed legal certainty
Explaining the role local tax compliance plays in successful supply chain management and e-business and how leading global brands are addressing this.
7 Elements of Radically Simple OS Migration
Avoid the typical headaches of OS migration during your next project by learning about 7 elements of radically simple OS migration.
BYOD's dark side: Data protection
An endpoint data protection solution that adds value to the user and the organization so it can protect itself from data loss as well as leverage corporate data.
Consolidation: The Foundation for IT Business Transformation
In this whitepaper learn how effective consolidation of IT and business resources can enable multiple, meaningful business benefits.
High Performance for All
While HPC is not new, it has traditionally been seen as a specialist area – is it now geared up to meet more mainstream requirements?