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BOFH: Headhunted

'A wonderful opportunity'

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Episode 5 I'm sitting in Mission Control listening to the PFY recount the amusing anecdotes from his night on the overproofed Rum when the phone rings. Not unusual in itself, but it's an outside line so I answer it.

"Hello?" I ask

...

>Click<

"User?" the PFY asks.

"Mmm?"

"A user - calling you?"

"No, just a headhunter, wanted to know if I wanted to work for some company opening up an office in this country and needing someone who knows the lay of the land."

"What was it worth?" the PFY asks.

"No idea, didn't ask."

"So you're that happy here?"

"Not as such, but you do get a bit complacent - the devil you know and all that."

"So you're not even going to find out?"

"Nah."

>ring<

External Line again. I hands-free it this time.

"Hello?"

"Hi, we must have got cut off last time", the Headhunter woman says. "I was just telling you about a wonderful opportunity with a company opening up a branch office in this country."

"Yes, you mentioned that. What does the position pay?"

"I...Well they have a very attractive remuneration package."

"How much?"

"It's difficult to say without an interview..."

"Ballpark figure?" I ask.

"I'm afraid I'm not really at libert..."

>clatter<

>ring<

"Say 10,000 more than you make now," she says, before I can put the receiver down.

"And how do you know what I make now?"

"I can't really s..."

>clatter<

>ring<

"Your boss told me!" she gasps, when I answer the phone.

"Now why would my boss want to tell you what I earnt - unless he's trying to get rid of me?"

"We're old friends," she gasps, before I can hang up again.

"Sorry, I don't buy it," I say, reaching for the switchook.

"There's a finder's fee!" she gasps. "The agency just needs to put three names forward - you don't even have to take the job!!!" "Go to the interview," the PFY urges, playing Bill's advocate. "What the hell!"

"And how do I go about getting an interview?" I ask.

"You know the Slough rail station?..."

>clatter<

>ring<

"The job's not in Slough!" she blurts. "That's just our offices - the placement agency."

"I'm afraid I'm allergic to Slough, so how about you come here - we could do an interview over lunch?"

"I...OK then - tomorrow?"

"That'll be fine" I respond, giving her a time and place.

"Lunch?" The PFY asks.

"What the hell, a free lunch if nothing else. I'll make up my mind after I've necked as many pints as they'll buy me!"

...After lunch the next day...

"I'm leaving," I say, crashing through into Mission Control with a blood alcohol level so high that it probably qualifies as embalming.

"What?" the PFY asks "I thought you were only going to get a free lunch!"

"That was till I saw the 'attractive remuneration package'."

"How good could she be?"

"She's fine," I respond, "but the job's better: Money, medical, discretionary spending budget, training budget and unlimited sick leave. I'm out of here!"

"You'll need to give six weeks notice," the Boss snaps.

>clickety< >click< >tap< >tap< >clickety<

"I did six weeks ago!" I respond. "Check your Inbox."

"Well," he sniffs, knowing the sanctity of his Inbox has once again been violated. "I'll have security escort you to your desk to collect your personals. I wouldn't worry about us though - I'm sure we'll find a suitable replacement in no time."

"Don't worry about the personal crap," I say, grabbing my coat and coffee mug "I'm sorted!"

"But..." the PFY says "..aren't you going to..."

"Stay around for drinks? - nah!"

...

A week later I'm sitting at my new desk twiddling my thumbs and basically killing time for four weeks until all the gear I've ordered arrives. It's getting so boring I consider writing some policy documents.

My laughter is interrupted by a phone call on the one working line in the building.

>Ring<

"Hello?"

"Hi", the ubiquitous Headhunting woman says. "I was wondering if you'd be interested in an excellent central city company needing a senior systems and networks administrator?"

"Really, a company I might know perhaps?" I ask casually.

"I...."

"What does the position pay?"

"I...Well they have a very attractive remuneration package."

>clatter<

>ring<

"Five grand more than you make now," she snaps as soon as I pick up.

"Excellent. I suppose it's a deal then. But don't you lose your commission for me walking out in the first week?"

"Nah, we don't have that clause in our contracts," she chuckles.

"Lovely. So just let me get this straight, you headhunted me to this company and now you're headhunting me back to the old company? You don't feel a little...dirty..?"

"Not really."

"Yeah, me neither."

...one week later...

"So, basically you knew she'd try and headhunt you back?" the PFY gasps.

"Of course - heaps of people do it! And, by not documenting anything I do I'm basically ensuring that the company will want to reemploy me - so long as the money isn't too extortionate!" I cry.

"I...Don't you feel, well, a little unscrupulous?"

"Yeah...no"

>ring<

"Hi, I was ringing to tell you about a wonderful opportunity with a company opening up a branch office in this country!!"

"It's for you..." I say to the PFY, handing the phone over.

...

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