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Vive la France!

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Vive la France!

January 19, 2006 - 09:13 am

Here are three words I never thought I'd say: Vive la France! (Long Live France! - in French! - thanks Babelflush!). Seems like just last year there was cheese, the monkeys were eating it and there was a whole heap of surrendering going on. Well, not any more since their top guy has said if terrorists so much as wave a crusty baguette on the Champs Elysees then he's gonna pop a nuclear cap in their butts and no messing. I assume he means he'll ask the US to pop a nuclear cap since I can't imagine that the US Defense Department is going to just hand out independent nuclear deterrents to anyone who happens to turn up on a bicycle with a basket of stuffed songbirds and a bottle of calvados.

And just whose ass is going to get popped with enriched plutonium? Iran, that's who. Jesus, do these Arabs never give up?

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Where Kong went wrong

January 19, 2006 - 10:45 am

Hey, check out www.ireallyreallyneedprofessionalhelp.com - a fantastic King Kong blooper resource listing 10,359 celluloid howlers. For instance, did you spot that 'When Ann is juggling for Kong on the cliff edge she starts juggling at one point. If you look closely, you can see that she is simply moving her hands, and the rocks have been added digitally. This is most obvious when she leans right back, and the rocks don't match her hand movements at all'?

Worse still, 'Note the chrome centers on the wire wheels of the taxi that Jack commandeers towards the end of the film. Initially the left rear one is missing, but it magically reappears later on.'

My favorite, though, is: 'The drop fare on the taxi is shown as 25 cents. However, this fare was not charged until 1953, when the former taxi fare of 20c 1st 1/4 of a mile and 5c each additional 1/4 of a mile (which went into effect in 1934) was increased to 25c the 1st 1/5 of a mile and 5c each additional 1/5.'

Jesus, this film cost around eight billion bucks. You'd think they could have gotten a properly qualified continuity person and someone to check the background facts on Wiki. Losers.

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Dual core heaven

January 19, 2006 - 11:00 am

Uncle Tom Cobbley's hardware blog is having a sensational run to kick off the year. Last week, it carried an almost exclusive look inside the new Itashimami dual-core turbogaming hypertower - pretty well essential if you really want to get the full effect of Tapdancing Ninja Assassins - The Gene Kelly Legacy. Here's a top tip, btw, from Norleen Streetfighter's Xboxapocalypse: When you enter the kingdom of Murph the Shapeshifting Irish Deathmonger, hit Alt+A+CapLock then Ctrl+Shift+Alt+56 then quickly type in "sgynbiuwegfkejwrfb" to refill your energy sack with magic water and add 25 per cent extra wood to your fertility staff.

And if that's not enough, Cobbley today is the first to reveal (after the NYT, but like who reads print these days? Jeez) the new HardOn Industries "Sidewinder" Bluetooth VoIP mouse with 26 Gig of flash memory, GPS, magnifying glass, sailmaker's awl and a really small pair of tweezers which slide into a little slot on the base. The bad news is, it only works with Windows XP, although an emergency Umbongo Linux Collective codefest says it'll have a driver ready by Saturday; Friday if the Coke and coffee supplies hold out.

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Time to go

January 19, 2006 - 11:15 am

Knocked sideways by a blitzkrieg blogslap (marked 'DEFCON 9/11-PearlHarbor-Alamo' - in red, and flashing) which says Osama bin Laden is about to attack the US. Took me a couple of minutes to fully take it in, but thank God I prepared for this. Gonna sign off for a couple of minutes. Will log onto the WLAN from the panic room as soon as I've sealed myself in. I suggest you get down to www.protectsurviveandvotebushagain.mil.us. and get with the program. Here's a summary:

In the event of unexpected attack by Arabs, you and partner should:

  1. Panic buy the following essential items: Flour, sugar, gasoline, toilet paper, plastic sheeting, duct tape and a year's supply of Wendy's Crunchy Chilli Fingers and Sunny D.
  2. Use the plastic sheeting and duct tape to seal up the doors and windows of your designated "safe room". Once inside this quarantined area, you are completely safe from all forms of nuclear, bacteriological and chemical attack. Remain in this room until told it is safe to leave, or until the Sunny D runs out, whichever is the sooner.
  3. Use the plastic sheeting and duct tape to seal up the doors and windows of your SUV. This is in case of surprise al-Qaeda attack while you are double-parked outside your kids' school. Once inside this quarantined area, you are completely safe from all forms of nuclear, bacteriological and chemical attack. Remain in the vehicle until told it is safe to leave, or until the Sunny D runs out, whichever is the sooner. Pass the time by joining queues at gas stations, whether you need fuel or not. This will make you feel that you are doing everything possible to protect your children.
  4. Turn off the television. Small children are easily scared, especially by documentaries demonstrating in graphic detail the effects of an al-Qaeda dirty bomb detonated in, say, Times Square. If your children cannot exist for more than 15 minutes without television — as a result of being kept indoors since birth as a precaution against shooting by crack-fuelled gangs of Hispanics — at least turn down the sound. Such programs tend to favour a doom-laden baritone narrator and apocalyptic synth soundtrack.
  5. Keep a clockwork radio tuned to emergency frequencies at all times. These will relay essential information as to the whereabouts of small supplies of gasoline for which you can queue to pass the time until the all-clear sounds.
  6. Make sure that your children have plenty of educational reading material. Desperate as things may seem, remember that a post-war America will need a new generation of literate and well-informed citizens to ensure that future generations will never again suffer the horrors of armed conflict. We recommend: Noddy in Ragheadland, Five go mad at the UN Security Council and Harry Potter and the Missile of al-Samoud.
  7. Most important of all, don't panic. Your children's lives may depend on you keeping a level head. Having proper information as to the scale and scope of any threat will enable you to make adequate provision for enemy attack. The government is the only reliable source of unbiased scientific data as to how Osama bin Laden, if unchallenged, will kill millions of innocent kiddies whose only crime was to ask: "Mom, why doesn't nice uncle George go and smack those bad, bad Iranians?" Remember, this is why we are fighting.

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Faraday

January 19, 2006 - 12:02 pm

Ok, back online. If I drop out for a few minutes, just bear with me - the wireless LAN hasn't been the same since I rigged the Faraday cage to keep the spooks out. Word is my blog has the guys up top pretty rattled, so you can never be too safe.

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Apocalypse

January 19, 2006 - 12:17 pm

Blogosphere's all a-tremble with the bin Laden thing. Nothing on CNN, but then that's only to be expected. As ChopperBoy says down at circlingblackhelicopters.cia says: 'All news media is instructed - in the event of imminent attack - to broadcast as normal.' That makes sense. I guess they don't want people to panic and all jump in their SUVs at once in a desperate and ultimately futile attempt to escape the apocalypse. Sort of reminds me of that film Deep Black Armageddon - the one where Bruce Willis is sent to nuke an asteroid which is about to destroy all life on earth and when he gets there he finds it's controlled by a sneering Arab played by that Alan Rickman guy.

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Thanks guys

January 19, 2006 - 13:13 pm

Feeling pretty lonely down here in the basement. Thanks guys for hanging in there for me.

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WTF?

January 19, 2006 - 14:39 pm

Dad rang to say something about Iran and Arabs and Persians. I think that's what he said because the Faraday cage was making a complete mess of the cell signal. What the hell cats have to do with Iran's nuclear program I have no idea, but I was pretty pissed with the old man when he should have been duct-taping himself and mom into the basement.

Better news from Norlene Streetfighter. She's still blogging in there with the best of them from her emergency blog facility out in the yard. Actually, it's just a dumpster with a tarpaulin slung over the top, but she reckons it'll give a couple of hours protection from SARS or anthrax - long enough to use the suicide kit she's assembled from two hundred barbiturate tablets, a razor blade and a six-pack of Coors. That ought to do it, I reckon. Jesus, that Coors sucks.

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Nothing

January 19, 2006 - 20:59 pm

Nothing. Not a word. CNN is still broadcasting as normal which leads me to fear the worse. Am down to my last slice of pizza but I am not leaving this room until I have been told it is safe to do so. Gonna hit the sack now, to conserve energy. Anyone who's ever been reduced to drinking their own urine - get in touch. All advice welcome.

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Shame

January 20, 2006 - 07:11 am

I'm ashamed to admit it, but hunger drove me this morning to unseal the safe room and make a dash for the kitchen. I put on one of those paper masks which protect you against airborne Ebola (99c from Wal-Mart). If I'm still blogging in an hour, it worked. If not, it's because I'm oozing my vital organs out through my ass. Thanks to ISurvivedWoodstock, btw, for the urine advice. I had no idea it could take three days to find your way out of a field if you were bombed on LSD.

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Is this the end?

January 20, 2006 - 13:07 pm

I don't know how much longer I can hold out. In the last 24 hours I've had just four family-sized pizzas, a jumbo bucket of sweet popcorn and a 2-liter bottle of Dr Pepper. Plus twelve beers. I'm starting to come round to Norlene Streetfighter's way of thinking. There's no way on God's Green Earth I'm going to lie here and wait for the radiation to burn off my skin. Maybe it's better to end it now. Any thoughts?

Oh yeah - wow. If anyone else out there needs cheering up at this, the darkest hour, try these Rachel Weisz sites. I tell you, that girl gets my vote for her Golden Globes:

www.rachelweiszforpope.de
www.nipslipinternational.com/rachelweisz/goldenglobes/jubtastic1.jpg
www.weiszversusportman.com
www.rachelpleasehavemybabies.co.uk

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36,207 responses to "Is this the end?"

marrymecarrie says:
January 20, 2006 - 13:09 pm

i think you need to calm down before you do something silly - like start comparing rachel weisz to natalie portman or - and i think you know where i'm going here, her imperial divineness carrie fisher


JolieWorshipper362 says:
January 20, 2006 - 13:11 pm

Rachel Weisz? I'd rather kill myself than even contemplate killing myself with an image of Rachel Weisz as the last thing to slip through my mind as it lapsed into unconciousness. Try this: get a full-sized promotional cut-out of Angelina Jolie in Tomb Raider, stand it in front of the garage door and then hang yourself from the rafters.


BlogPedant says:
January 20, 2006 - 13:26 pm

'The drop fare on the taxi is shown as 25 cents. However, this fare was not charged until 1953, when the former taxi fare of 20c 1st 1/4 of a mile and 5c each additional 1/4 of a mile (which went into effect in 1934) was increased to 25c the 1st 1/5 of a mile and 5c each additional 1/5.'

No - the 25 cent drop fare came into force in 1952.


MoulinRouge says:
January 20, 2006 - 13:34 pm

Hey beautiful - here's that great site I told you about! You owe me one: www.stuffedsongbirds.fr


Kurt666 says:
January 20, 2006 - 13:43 pm

JolieWorshipper362 wrote: Rachel Weisz? I'd rather kill myself than even contemplate killing myself with an image of Rachel Weisz as the last thing to slip through my mind as it lapsed into unconciousness. Try this: get a full-sized promotional cut-out of Angelina Jolie in Tomb Raider, stand it in front of the garage door and then hang yourself from the rafters.

No - get a topless picture of Madeleine Stowe, pin it to a wall in front of a homemade guillotine and then decapitate yourself while listening to Niravana


EdelWeisz says:
January 20, 2006 - 13:46 pm

marrymecarrie wrote: i think you need to calm down before you do something silly - like start comparing rachel weisz to natalie portman or - and i think you know where i'm going here, her imperial divineness carrie fisher

youguys suck rachel big goodess in san petersberg may you dicks fall off pigs


TaxiDriver says:
January 20, 2006 - 13:55 pm

BlogPedant wrote: No - the 25 cent drop fare came into force in 1952.

Jesus, you moron, the 25 cent drop fare was introduced in 1954. I should know, I was a New York cabbie for 73 years.


bangbangyou'redead says:
January 20, 2006 - 14:04 pm

Kurt 666 wrote: No - get a topless picture of Madeleine Stowe, pin it to a wall in front of a homemade guillotine and then decapitate yourself while listening to Niravana

Hey, try this - cover the walls of a room with photographs of Carrie Ann Moss. Sit and stare at them for around 12 hours after which time you should be finally convinced that she really isn't going to let you f**k her, ever, then pull out your pa's service reveolver and blow you fu**in' brains out.


Emarrymecarrie says:
January 20, 2006 - 14:12 pm

EdelWeisz wrote: youguys suck rachel big goodess in san petersberg may you dicks fall off pigs

THIS ENTRY WAS DELETED FOR BREACH OF THE BLOGFELCH TERMS AND CONDITIONS


BlogPedant says:
January 20, 2006 - 14:13 pm

TaxiDriver wrote: Jesus, you moron, the 25 cent drop fare was introduced in 1954. I should know, I was a New York cabbie for 73 years.

THIS ENTRY WAS DELETED FOR BREACH OF THE BLOGFELCH TERMS AND CONDITIONS


NorleneStreetfighter says:
January 20, 2006 - 14.29 pm

i don't feel very well. anyone know the antidote for barbiturates and coors?


Something positive

January 20, 2006 - 15:00 pm

Something positive amid the despair. The Umbongo Linux collective finished the driver for the HardOn Industries "Sidewinder" Bluetooth VoIP mouse this morning at 06:16 - well ahead of schedule. Well done guys and have a beer for me. Dad called again. Something about Osama bin Laden on TV. Still nothing on CNN, though. I suppose the mass exodus from the cities is well underway by now. I just hope I'm on the list of the million or so essential people who will be selected to live underground for the next five years, thereby preserving the species while the rest of you die above ground. The post-apocalypse world will need opinion formers. I'm expecting the call any minute now...

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