Feeds

Digi-TV box bid to signal alien invasion blocked by RAF choppers

Or was it...?

Build a business case: developing custom apps

A two hour RAF rescue operation in the Portsmouth area earlier this month finally traced the source of a distress call to a "faulty" digital TV set-top box. Suspicious? We should be - this may be our final opportunity to frustrate a Lizard Planet battlefleet timed to arrive for the terrestrial TV switch-off in 2012.

Think about it - Freeview set-top boxes do not broadcast, they receive broadcasts. Yet this box, an RAF spokesman told the BBC, was broadcasting a distress signal strong enough to be picked up by satellite, then forwarded to the RAF rescue HQ in Kinloss. But if a 'malfunctioning' set-top box sends distress calls into space, is it not inevitable that it intended these calls for the Lizard Planet? And did we stop it in time?

Ofcom, which now has the box in custody, estimates that there were 5.78 million Freeview boxes in the UK by Q3 2005, and suggested that "the chances of sending out a signal from a digibox and sending out precisely and exactly on a major emergency channel are far more than 14 million to one." But Freeview penetration has been growing at a rate of 1 million a quarter, meaning that even without an increase in adoption rates, even if Sky and cable TV boxes are not part of the plot, we'll hit 14 million in 2007. So, Ofcom, how much more than 14 million is "much more"? This could be important.

We don't yet know if the intercepted box was some kind of leader sending out briefings to the Lizard Planet, where strategists may be using Big Brother viewership figures as a measure of our ability to defend ourselves (inverse proportion, of course), or whether it actually did malfunction and intervene prematurely. If the 'owner' (it'll be the other way round once they land) had accidentally set the system clock to 2012, then the box may have attempted to launch the invasion early. In Portsmouth? Here, by no coincidence, is parked the rump of the Royal Navy that the MoD (which may also be part of the conspiracy) has not yet found time to scrap. By monitoring Sky News, the Lizard Planet may have identified Portsmouth as a key fortress.

Clearly we don't have much time. Who knows how the Lizard People will react when news of the discovery of their spy reaches them? The next broadcast 'software update' could be from the Lizard Planet, and it could be the last. ®

Boost IT visibility and business value

More from The Register

next story
Yes, but what are your plans if a DRAGON attacks?
Local UK gov outs most ridiculous FoI requests...
Cops baffled by riddle of CHICKEN who crossed ROAD
'Officers were unable to determine Chicken's intent'
Drunkards warned: If you can't walk in a straight line, don't shop online, you fool!
Put it away boys. Cover them up ladies. Your credit cards, we mean
Murder accused DIDN'T ask Siri 'how to hide my roommate'
US court hears of cached browser image - not actual request
Why your mum was WRONG about whiffy tattooed people
They're a future source of RENEWABLE ENERGY
Chomp that sausage: Brits just LOVE scoffing a Full Monty
Sales of traditional brekkie foods soar as hungry folk get their mitts greasy
Nuts to your poncey hipster coffees, I want a TESLA ELECTRO-CAFE
Examining the frothy disconnect in indie cafe culture
Ex-Apple man Sam Sung - for it is he - sticks namebadge on eBay
Stump up via tat bazaar, do a good thing for ill kids
Check your Clungene, Irish women warned
Have a quick shufti, you may not be pregnant after all
prev story

Whitepapers

Endpoint data privacy in the cloud is easier than you think
Innovations in encryption and storage resolve issues of data privacy and key requirements for companies to look for in a solution.
Implementing global e-invoicing with guaranteed legal certainty
Explaining the role local tax compliance plays in successful supply chain management and e-business and how leading global brands are addressing this.
Top 8 considerations to enable and simplify mobility
In this whitepaper learn how to successfully add mobile capabilities simply and cost effectively.
Solving today's distributed Big Data backup challenges
Enable IT efficiency and allow a firm to access and reuse corporate information for competitive advantage, ultimately changing business outcomes.
Reg Reader Research: SaaS based Email and Office Productivity Tools
Read this Reg reader report which provides advice and guidance for SMBs towards the use of SaaS based email and Office productivity tools.