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We can all be Big Brother now

The New Deal for disadvantaged communities

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You've read the book and seen the film. Now you too can oppress the proletariat - and for only £3.50 per week!

Yes, it's true. You can take part in this groundbreaking social engineering project without leaving the comfort and safety of your own ivory tower, which we will refurbish using the same interior architect who kitted out the Office of the Deputy Prime Minister.

If you are a resident of the famously groovy London borough of Shoreditch, you can further the area's gentrification by helping us cleanse your streets of the undesirable unemployed, foreign and other suspicious looking people - and not to mention people who don't wear the right trainers.

Our scheme gives you access to our network of 500 CCTV cameras from your own home PC, so you can spy on your neighbours and snitch on anyone who looks like they may be doing something you don't like.

No more giveaway twitching curtains! No more risk of being caught using your own home video camera to film shady looking people who are no doubt up to know good.

All you need to take part is a PC, an Internet connection, a glass of Chablis and sneer.

If you see someone on our CCTV network who doesn't know better but looks like they should, just send us an email. It's as easy as that! We'll send a government goon straight round to sort them out.

Why not have a big brother after-dinner party? Take turns snooping - you can even match your CCTC footage against a photo line-up of people in your community who have been known to misbehave themselves. Anyone who spots someone we have already penalised with an anti-social behaviour disorder can win extra points.

Don't waste any time telling us, then before you can say, "ignorance is strength", there'll be nothing on your CCTV cameras bar gorgeous, smiley people like yourselves. Wouldn't that be a great place to live?

* Offer currently available to the first 1,000 residents only. Under the ODPM's New Deal for Communities, schemes such as Shoreditch CCTV homesnoop are devised by committees comprised of locally elected residents and other busybodies. Scheme will soon be expanded to all 20,000 local residents, but we only expect those who can afford to own a PC will take up this offer - that's okay with us because it's those people who can't afford to buy PCs who we don't want living round these parts anyway.®

Internet Security Threat Report 2014

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