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Ah, the evocative smells of Xmas - the alpine-fresh aroma of pine needles, chestnuts roasting on an open fire, the faint bouquet of granny's sweet sherry. And, of course, the deadly, nose-crippling whiff of the brussel-sprout-fuelled trouser cough, creeping across the Yule living room like a blanket of phosgene:

On Christmas day I will be bottling my first Brussels Sprout Trouser Pump of the afternoon.

The actual bottling of the fart will be videoed and quick time video of the main event will be emailed to the highest bidder.

although I cannot guarantee anything dramatic, I can assure you I will do my best to impress.

Be aware that any "follow through" from the trouser cough can be included in the sale if you wish.

The gaseous emission will be generated through consumption of the following items:
# Kedgeree for breakfast
# Champagne
# Real Ale before lunch
# A good Rioja or Nuits St George (we haven't decided yet)
# Roast Goose, Hazelnut Stuffing, Roast potatoes, Brussel Sprouts (at least 4), gravy, sausages wrapped in bacon, carrots, roasted parsnips, cranberry and bread sauce, Christmas pudding and brandy butter.

Happy Bidding and Merry Christmas to you all.

Very silly, and moving swiftly on we have another irresistible Yule item in the shape of the invisible Christmas tree:

COMPLETELY INVISIBLE CHRISTMAS TREE

FULLY DECORATED

A festive cracker of an opportunity to bid on this truly magnificent, and Completely Invisible, Christmas Tree.

This glittering and gorgeous Tree will be delivered fully decorated, every elegant bough laden with masses of twinkling Fairy Lights, miles of sparkly Tinsel, dozens of Sugar Candy Canes and literally hundreds of glittering Baubles and Novelties ~ absolutely breathtaking.

The crowning glory is the Star Performance of the Christmas Fairy, Miss Charity Volunteer, who will sparkle, twinkle and shine from the top of the Tree for the full Twelve Days of Christmas.

The current top bid for the invisible Xmas tree is a cool £1,800 - but this is no arboreal reworking of the Xbox 360 scam. Nope, the whole thing is in aid of Children in Need, with 100 per cent of the auction proceeds going to help those less fortunate than ourselves. Good show. ®

Bootnote

A festive ta very much to Steven Williams and Tim Jones for spotting these Yule eBay oddities.

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