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Korea

December 5, 2005 - 07:17 am

This Korea versus Microsoft punch-up has got the blogosphere all a-buzz this morning. Seems the Reds have slapped a $32m fine on Bill Gates for not pulling messaging and Media Player from its OS in breach of local antitrust laws. This seems a bit rich coming as it does from a one-party state where bloggers are skinned alive and their remains used to produce collagen for the US anti-cellulite market. As American Eagle puts it on his Red Dawn Armageddon blog: 'For those of us living in a democracy, whether or not to use Netscape Navigator is a matter of personal freedom. This privilege does not extend to less developed nations, who should be grateful that we are prepared to supply any form of advanced OS, bundled or unbundled.'

Way to go! The facts are these: 93 per cent of Korea's population lives on less than one buck a year. The rest of the GNP goes on developing nuclear weapons. Only four people in the entire country have internet access - all of them state officials - and that's just so they can scour Google for "How to enrich plutonium - a beginner's guide".

Don't get me wrong - I'm Umbongo Linux through-and-through. If you sawed me in half you'd find I'm low-cholesterol open source to the marrow. In fact, I'd rather sacrifice my first born to Satan than run Windows, and, by God, the right to sacrifice your kids to Satan is enshrined in the US Constitution.

In short: you godless commies can either take Microsoft products bundled as God intended, or face the consequences. Pressure is already building in the blogosphere for Condoleezza Rice to intervene personally in the matter and - in the unlikely event that her particular brand of international diplomacy should fail - for direct military action in defense of the US's right to trade freely across the globe. God Bless America.

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Yay!

December 5, 2005 - 10:43 am

Forgot to mention: the 42in plasma screen was delivered last Friday - just in time for the release of Star Wars - The Remastered Platinum Premium Collector's Limited Edition. If you haven't had a chance to check it out yet, the 32-disc boxed set (yeah, the packaging is an enormous cardboard Death Star - cool!) features more than 300 hours of extras, including a fascinating four-hour interview with George Lucas in which he attempts to explain wtf The Phantom Menace was all about. And there's lots and lots of Natalie, natch.

So, the plasma is installed (thanks for the shelving tips guys) and that is the last $5000 bucks I will ever invest in Sony, may they rot in hell while Satan's imps insert burning DRM up their asses with red-hot pokers. You're going down, my Japanese friends, make no mistake.

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All hands on deck

December 5, 2005 - 19:27 pm

Missy Baaad's Gunboat Diplomacy blog is reporting that, as of 20:00 local tonite, the Hackerz for Liberty collective will be launching a DOS attack against Korea's only server using zombie PCs in the People's Republic of China. Suck on cyberjustice, Sons of Lenin!

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Quite a night

December 6, 2005 - 03:56 am

It's been quite a night. According to Bob Berserker's TechnoKrunch, the DOS freedom assault managed to completely paralyse three sets of computerised traffic lights in Pyongyang for more than an hour - that's 75 per cent of the city's traffic signals put out of commission during peak hours. CNN reports that there were at least thirteen serious accidents involving multiple bicycles, one of which temporarily hospitalised one of the country's top nuclear scientists. At least, I think that's what the reporter said - he was crawling around the floor of his room at the Sheraton trying to pull on a gas mask at the time.

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Carrie, oh Carrie

December 6, 2005 - 04:56 am

This just in: JediHardOn's Natalie Portman Blogletch reckons that one of the Easter eggs on the Star Wars - The Remastered Platinum Premium Collector's Limited Edition is candid footage of Carrie Fisher getting fitted for her costume in The Return of the Jedi. You know the one I mean. If that isn't worth the 500 bucks I shelled out for this collection I don't know what is. No news as yet regarding possible Natalie Portman nip-slips, but as I write a mass blogleer is reviewing all 300 hours of extras - in superslow motion. If there's even a hint of aureola in there, they'll find it.

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Disturbed sleep

December 6, 2005 - 15:19 pm

Managed to grab a few hours sleep. Reluctantly, I should add, since the live Natalie Portman Blogleer feed is just about the most exciting thing I've seen since Darlene Streetfighter's real-time suicide blog chronicled her attempt to drive her Segway under a truck after her Xbox 360 crashed during Kyoshuti: Legend of A Samurai Streetcleaner, just before she was about to sweep her way into Emperor Shushi's impenetrable fortress and claim the magical singing staff of Myoto The Dark One. Darlene broke her arm, three ribs and her pelvis. The Segway survived unscathed and later surfaced on eBay as 'Magical personal transport which confers on its owner (a certain degree) of invulnerability from truck attack'. I think Golden Palace Casino paid $2m for it.

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Silence

December 6, 2005 - 16:37 pm

Condoleezza Rice is maintaining a resolute silence on the Korean issue, despite mounting anger across the length and breadth of the blogosphere. EatLeadPinko is demanding immediate nuke strike from a stealth carrier force in the South China Sea, while moderating forces at WhoaThereCowboy! and others suggest a ban on all Korean dog imports to the US. Apparently it's their biggest export market. Jeez.

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Bundle and be damned

December 7, 2005 - 10:13 am

Thank God. Microsoft has said it will not unbundle its software whatever the consequences. And if one of those is nuclear apocalypse and mass extinction, so be it. Accordingly, I've compiled a list of useful sites. One of them is IE-only, I'm afraid, which makes me madder than hell. The virtual MS monopoly of the browser market is probably the greatest threat to personal freedom of choice since Nazi Germany stamped on the Prague Spring back in '68.

www.survivalistsforjesus.com
www.montanabunker.com
www.thebignuclearwinterstore.com
www.howtokilllooters.com
www.101waystocookcoyote.com

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How the hell does that work?

December 7, 2005 - 21:43 pm

Got a call from dad to say that Korea is in fact two countries. God knows how you can have two countries with the same damn name, but it's a fact he reckons. One half is full of well-fed, freedom-loving capitalists, the other packed with emaciated, rat-meat-chewing commies - just like Germany in the old days before they tore down the Berlin Curtain.

That's all well and good, but what's to stop the people living in the rat meat half simply crossing over and tucking into burger, fries and a fun-sized Coke? Well, dad say that's exactly what Charlie used to do back in 'Nam (that was two damn countries with the same name too). When they got tired of eating rat meat and sucking water from rice paddies through a bamboo straw, they simply migrated south, killed all the well-fed, freedom-loving capitalists and stuffed themselves stupid.

Sure, but all this begs the question: just which Korea is Bill Gates going to nuke? I need to clear my head and get down to Wiki.

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Fire in the hole!

December 8, 2005 - 09:43 am

I still have no idea which Korea is going to be on the receiving end of a bit of Redmond-style retaliatory action. They have really got to get their act together over there and decide who is going to be called Korea and who's going to ask the UN for a snappy new name. Anyhow, one of the Koreas is apparently threatening military action against the other which it blames for a number of bicycle-related injuries during a computer system outage a couple of days back. We can just pray that it isn't the Korea with the nuclear weapons program.

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Alright!

December 8, 2005 - 12:04 pm

A breathless Blogfelch Electromagnetic Newspulse carries the news we've all been waiting for: during a deleted scene from The Phantom Menace in which Queen Padmé Naberrie Amidala is discussing with Obi-Wan Kenobi whether or not a quick alliance with the Screenwriters' Guild of America might save the film's plot from total destruction, a 0.3 millisecond flash of Natalie Portman's right nipple can clearly be seen as she turns in her diaphanous gown towards the twin sunsets of the planet Plotline Prime.

The flash is so fast it is invisible to the naked eye, even on DVD players with nipsearch hyperslow facility, so thank God then for SuperSpook who used the CIA's mainframe to image enhance the frame over two days. The result's a bit fuzzy, but it does indeed vaguely resemble a Portmanesque teat. Top work.

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64,935 responses to "Alright!"

RedDawn says:
December 8, 2005 - 12:06 pm

Microsoft is preparing to unleash bundled death on South Korea, fyi. That's the one without the nuclear weapons, btw. God alone knows why Bill Gates doesn't carpet bomb North Korea with Windows - that'll bring the godless Commie scum to their knees pretty damn quick.


marrymecarrie says:
December 8, 2005 - 12:21 pm

that's nothing - try the carrie fisher gallery on disc 23. just hold alt and type 'brazilwax' on image 14 and you'll find out how she pulled off those jabba the hutt scenes without a hint of pube. i think they call the style the 'romanian gymnast'


JediStud says:
December 8, 2005 - 12:42 pm

Wow, great - but stroke your throbbing light sabre to this one: disc 14 at 00:24:13:12 ;-)


laughingboboppenheimer says:
December 8, 2005 - 13:00 pm

RedDawn wrote: Microsoft is preparing to unleash bundled death on South Korea, fyi. That's the one without the nuclear weapons, btw. God alone knows why Bill Gates doesn't carpet bomb North Korea with Windows - that'll bring the godless Commie scum to their knees pretty damn quick.

Yeah, right. If North Korea does in fact have nuclear weapons, what's to stop them popping a cap right in Gates' bundled ass?


Blogpedant says:
December 8, 2005 - 13:52 pm

marrymecarrie wrote: that's nothing - try the carrie fisher gallery on disc 23. just hold alt and type 'brazilwax' on image 14 and you'll find out how she pulled off those jabba the hutt scenes without a hint of pube. i think they call the style the 'romanian gymnast'

No, that's called an "Ice Skater's Landing Strip".


hotfloorexercise says:
December 8, 2005 - 13:53 pm

Blogpedant wrote: No, that's called an "Ice Skater's Landing Strip".

Crap. It's a Nadia Comaneci, circa 1976. Happy memories.


RedDawn says:
December 8, 2005 - 14:09 pm

laughingboboppenheimer wrote: Yeah, right. If North Korea does in fact have nuclear weapons, what's to stop them popping a cap right in Gates' bundled ass?

Listen bud, not even Bill Gates is insane enough to take on a country armed with nuclear weapons. This ain't Iraq. These guys mean business.


marrymecarrie says:
December 8, 2005 - 14:12 pm

hotfloorexercise wrote: Crap. It's a Nadia Comaneci, circa 1976. Happy memories.

that's what i said, you jerkwad.


wtf? says:
December 8, 2005 - 14:15 pm

JediStud wrote: Wow, great - but stroke your throbbing light sabre to this one: disc 14 at 00:24:13:12 ;-)

All I can see is Ewan McGregor wrestling naked with Darth Maul. Is this some kind of fag joke?


laughingboboppenheimer says:
December 8, 2005 - 14:19 pm

RedDawn wrote: Listen bud, not even Bill Gates is insane enough to take on a country armed with nuclear weapons. This ain't Iraq. These guys mean business.

What planet are you living on? If Bill Gates wants to fry a country then it gets fried - and stays fried. As the old saying goes: Better bundled than dead. Get a grip on some facts.


hotfloorexercise says:
December 8, 2005 - 14:29 pm

marrymecarrie wrote: that's what i said, you jerkwad.

THIS ENTRY WAS DELETED FOR BREACH OF THE BLOGFELCH TERMS AND CONDITIONS


RedDawn says:
December 8, 2005 - 14:33 pm

laughingboboppenheimer wrote: What planet are you living on? If Bill Gates wants to fry a country then it gets fried - and stays fried. As the old saying goes: Better bundled than dead. Get a grip on some facts.

THIS ENTRY WAS DELETED FOR BREACH OF THE BLOGFELCH TERMS AND CONDITIONS


wtf? says:
December 8, 2005 - 14:36 pm

Hello? We're talking Ewan McGregor wrestling naked with Darth Maul. There could be kids reading this.


Peace and love

December 8, 2005 - 15:16 am

Bad news from the annual Blogfelch love-in in Paris. Seems that Mimi Trotty's keynote speech was interrupted by hecklers who suggested she 'f*ck off'. She responded with 'no, you f*ck off' at which point a blog storm wedge attempted to occupy the stage shouting 'why don't you all just f*ck off?' Jesus. Why can't we all learn to love each other?

Oh yes: North Korea has declared that it will nuke Seoul if even a single copy of unbundled Windows crosses into its sovereign territory. Bummer.

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