Those readers who love Xmas and the traditional, relentless, three-month orgy of capitalism which precedes it will be delighted to learn that they can now celebrate the season of goodwill to all men while sitting at their desks - thanks to the Tesco musical Xmas sandwich.

Yup, the UK supermarket monolith has ignored the cautionary tenet which states "Just because no-one's thought of it doesn't mean it's a good idea" (think sea urchin and jojoba extract brandy, for example) and has placed one of those infernal chips from musical greetings cards in its turkey and cranberry sauce sandwich packaging. According to Ananova, the melodious nosh "plays a medley of classic Christmas tunes including Jingle Bells, Santa Claus is Coming to Town and We Wish You a Merry Christmas".

Tesco spokesman Jonathan Church said: "The concept of musical sandwiches is something we've been looking at for a while now and we thought Christmas would be the perfect time. If they prove to be as successful as we think then we will consider a whole range of musical sandwiches.

"One idea already under consideration is working with record companies to launch songs by new artists on the market by way of the musical sandwich."

Terrific. We look forward to the Black Sabbath bat and lettuce sandwich. In the meantime, feel free to nip down to Tesco and grab a musical Xmas sandwich. Before opening it, though, please get on a plane to Chile and proceed directly to the remotest part of the Atacama desert where you will be free to enjoy your singing lunch without the risk of physical assault. Thankyou. ®

Musical bootnote

It gets worse. According to an inside source: "You didn't hear it from me, but a musical salad is due for launch next week. My sources tell me that Tesco staff are on the verge of mutiny ;-)"

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