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Goddam French

November 20, 2005 - 11.41 am

Woke up this am to something really shocking through the Blogfelch RSS Hyperfeed. According to Pink Andrew's Wtf? blog, some French chick tried to smoke a fag on a flight from Brisbane (Australia, right?) to Hong Kong. Jesus. Sure, I can accept that there are cultural differences between the US and Europe - they all eat squirrel pie and hedgehog over there, don't they? - but if I tried to smoke a fag midair at best I'd be looking at twenty years in the state pen as some serial rapist's white bitch. At worst, they'd be strapping me to a gurney and pumping me full of paint stripper or whatever the humane alternative to potassium cyanide is these days.

I think the French need to take a long, hard look at themselves and their attitude towards homosexuals. Sure, there's only one gay couple here in town, but even the Klan decided to turn a blind eye when it found out they were card-carrying members of the NRA.

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A correction

November 20, 2005 - 17:35 pm

Dad called to say that the French don't eat squirrel pie - that's the British. He says the French do cook hedgehogs, though, but only on "Bastille Day". That's the anniversary of the 1944 liberation of Paris from the Germans, in case you're wondering. And speaking of Germany, a buddy from the Linux users' group says he was in a Munich bar last fall during a Krap Desktop Developers' love-in and he asked for a burger, and after about three minutes in walks some middle-aged municipal official who can't speak a word of English and in the end he had to ring the US Embassy in Berlin on his cell to find out exactly where the nearest Dixie Fried Pizza restaurant was, only to be told it's in Moscow although there is a General Custer's Headless Chicken Bake on a US airbase about 300 miles from Munich. Poor guy had to exist on some kind of sausage for a week. They told him it was pork, although he reckons it was actually squirrel.

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Sony go home!

November 21, 2005 - 12:02 pm

I reckon my Sony boycott is beginning to bite. Needed a couple of new MiniDV tapes for the weekend to record the mass blog-in supporting French homosexuals' right not to be smoked. Get down there if you can - a Wi-Fi blogcluster outside City Hall at 2pm Friday. Anyhow, I asked the guy in the shop if he had any Sony MiniDV tapes in stock and he said 'No, we're expecting a delivery' and I said 'Good, because I wouldn't buy one anyway because I'm protesting about the effect of Sony DRM on the oppressed masses in Tibet'. I could see he was impressed. Anyone got a MiniDV tape they don't need?

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I know you're reading this

November 21, 2005 - 15:47 pm

Ok, the more I think about this fag thing the madder I get. Sent an email to the French president demanding an explanation. I know you're reading this, Mr De Gaulle. I expect an answer - and fast.

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My patience has a limit

November 21, 2005 - 23:19 pm

I simply cannot believe the French have not responded to my email. I suppose they're too busy cooking squirrel a la creme or smoking fags to think about the terrible consequences of crossing the awesome might of the blogosphere. I'll give them another 12 hours then it's time for affirmitive action.

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Xbox madness

November 22, 2005 - 07:34 am

Both Uncle Tom Cobbley's Hardware blog and Bob Berserker's TechnoKrunch are buzzing with the news that the Xbox 360 is flakier than a barful of Russell Crowe clones. Norlene Streetfighter says on Xboxapocalypse that if her console crashes one more time she's going to drink lye and shoot herself with her pa's 45. We've all been there, Norlene. Try to stay focused and positive until a certified Microsoft technician can get out to you. You'll be in all our prayers tonight.

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Carrie or Natalie?

November 22, 2005 - 07:36 am

Forgot to add: just got a full-size promotional cardboard cut-out of Carrie Anne Moss in The Matrix from eBay. Should I take down the giant Natalie Portman poster from the toilet wall and give Carrie a go?

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Enough

November 22, 2005 - 23:21 am

Ok, enough. Have given the French plenty of time to respond to my email. Here's the deal: as of right now, I will not buy any French products - and that includes French letters and French windows - nor will any words of French derivation be allowed on this blog. And if you don't like it, and I know for a fact you're reading this, you fag-smoking fascists, well c'est la vie as they say in Spain. I await your response.

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Blogrocket alert

November 23, 2005 - 00:43 am

Jesus, just got a blogrocket newsjerk that Norlene Streetfighter took an overdose of barbiturates after her Xbox 360 crashed during a particularly critical moment in 50 Cent: Gonna put a piece in yo' muthafu**in' mouth and blow yo' fu**in' brains out, muthafu**a. According to Streetpimp's PopaCap blog, it was just after 50 Cent has warned kids about the dangers of guns and right before he ices 50 NYPD with a semi-automatic rifle.

Some good news, though, Norlene is still blogging from her hospital bed via her Blackberry. Check out the entry describing stomach pumping. Gross.

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Institutionalize this

November 24, 2005 - 09:00 am

It gets better. Norlene says she'll try and join us for tomorrow's blogcluster although she's still a bit groggy and her dad is trying to have her confined to a State institution.

The matter of Carrie v Natalie has been resolved. Natalie will have the toilet exclusive on weekdays, while Carrie will get weekends. It seems a fair solution for both of them, don't you think?

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Happy Thanksgiving

November 24, 2005 - 14:23 pm

Another call from dad to say Happy Thanksgiving but the Germans don't eat squirrel either, so God alone knows what they put in their sausages. Coyotes, probably. Tried to get hold of granpa for clarification. He was in Germany in 1945 as part of a special team dedicated to debriefing Nazi scientists and shipping them back to the US. Seems Hitler had developed a prototype games console and Uncle Sam decided that it had to get a jump on the Ruskies before they had a chance to develop Grand Theft Auto: San Andropov and corrupt US society with a horrific mix of sex and mindless violence. He told me that the "Vbox", as the Germans dubbed it, was driven entirely by valves and programmed using holes punched in card. The biggest problem they had was the power supply, which kept catching fire. Thank God our advanced industrial society has solved those kind of problems. God Bless America and Happy Thanksgiving to you all.

There are [22,845] responses to this entry


22,845 responses to "Happy Thanksgiving"

laughingboboppenheimer says:
November 24, 2005 - 14:24 pm

i think you'll find the US had already developed a plutonium-driven games console back in '38 as part of its program to counter the burgeoning japanese threat to the pacific. unfortunately, when they eventually dropped it on nagasaki in 1945, the japs just took it apart, made it 30 times smaller and shipped it back to us in relentless, affordable volumes.


banzaiboy says:
November 24, 2005 - 15:03 pm

No, your Grandad is right. The Germans did indeed develop a Vbox weapon at Peenemunde, although Allied bombing seriously hampered the program. It was, however, powered by heavy water from the Norsk Hydro plant, also damaged by Allied commandoes. Just as well, because historians reckon Hitler was within two months of having a fully-operational version of Missile Command.


completelymaracas says:
November 24, 2005 - 15:29 pm

This is just such complete crap I cannot even begin to express my dismay at the kind of garbage which is polluting the purity of the blogosphere. The games console was invented by a Brazilian cycle repairist called Santos Dumont in 1923. Using nothing more than spare bicycle parts and a tin can full of sugar-cane-derived ethanol, he was able to project a crude version of Pacman onto a 2in by 2in screen woven from palm leaves. If you don't believe me, check out the wiki entry on the guy. Where they hell do you jokers get your information from anyhow?


laughingboboppenheimer says:
November 24, 2005 - 15:31 am

completelymaracas wrote: This is just such complete crap I cannot even begin to express my dismay at the kind of garbage which is polluting the purity of the blogosphere. The games console was invented by a Brazilian cycle repairist called Santos Dumont in 1923. Using nothing more than spare bicycle parts and a tin can full of sugar-cane-derived ethanol, he was able to project a crude version of Pacman onto a 2in by 2in screen woven from palm leaves. If you don't believe me, check out the wiki entry on the guy. Where they hell do you jokers get your information from anyhow?

yeah right you expect us to believe that some samba jockey was able to beat the combined resources of the greatest nation on god's green earth? fyi i get my information from wediditfirstandbigger.com. i suggest you spend less time playing beach volleyball and more time checking the facts


johnnyfrenchie says:
November 24, 2005 - 15:45 pm

With regard to your recent email communication, the President of the Republic of France has asked me to request clarification as to the exact meaning of the word "fag".


Blogpedant says:
November 24, 2005 - 16:03 pm

banzaiboy wrote: No, your Grandad is right. The Germans did indeed develop a Vbox weapon at Peenemunde, although Allied bombing seriously hampered the program. It was, however, powered by heavy water from the Norsk Hydro plant, also damaged by Allied commandoes. Just as well, because historians reckon Hitler was within two months of having a fully-operational version of Missile Command.

Jesus H Christ on a cracker. Any idiot knows that the Germans tested a beta version of Missile Command on Russian prisoners of war as early as 1943.


completelymaracas says:
November 24, 2005 - 16:13 pm

laughingboboppenheimer wrote: yeah right you expect us to believe that some samba jockey was able to beat the combined resources of the greatest nation on god's green earth? fyi i get my information from wediditfirstandbigger.com. i suggest you spend less time playing beach volleyball and more time checking the facts

hey, vai te foder


laughingboboppenheimer says:
November 24, 2005 - 16:16 pm

completelymaracas wrote: hey, vai te foder

French, eh? Well stick this in your Republican pipe and smoke it:

THIS LINK WAS DELETED FOR BREACH OF THE BLOGFELCH TERMS AND CONDITIONS


completelymaracas says:
November 24, 2005 - 16:19 pm

laughingboboppenheimer wrote: French, eh? Well stick this in your Republican pipe and smoke it:

THIS LINK WAS DELETED FOR BREACH OF THE BLOGFELCH TERMS AND CONDITIONS

THIS ENTRY WAS DELETED FOR BREACH OF THE BLOGFELCH TERMS AND CONDITIONS


johnnyfrenchie says:
November 24, 2005 - 20:11 pm

Allo?


Phew

November 24, 2005 - 23:46 pm

Made it through another Thanksgiving. Phew. Sis told me over dinner that Bush has approved military action against France if they do not stop smoking fags as of 12 midnight local. Cool. Gotta go and say goodnight to Natalie and explain to her that she'll be coming down temporarily as of tomorrow. I'm sure she'll understand.

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