Feeds

Canon braces for arse-induced copier carnage

Xmas 'Rear-end' copying: the chilling truth

Security for virtualized datacentres

In case you hadn't noticed, Xmas, aka The Holiday Season as it is known down at Wal-Mart, is almost upon us. As ever, it is a time for good cheer, good will to all men and a good skinful of alcohol followed by an attempt to reproduce a likeness of one's buttocks on the office photocopier.

Of course, it's the stuff of legend that the photocopier's glass plate then has to break, jamming the machine with a half-resolved image of someone's backside while they explain to unimpressed A&E staff why they need 63 stitches in their arse on Xmas Eve.

Well, it's all horribly true, as a hot-off-the-press Canon press release reveals - chronicling the Yuletide travails of the company's 600 highly-trained engineeers as they struggle to cope with a surge in "non-work-related" festive copier breakdowns.

What Canon means by "non-work-related" mostly revolves around the aforementioned "rear-end copying". Engineers report a 25 per cent increase in emergency call-outs over Xmas, and 32 per cent of the long-suffering copier Flying Squad has at some time repaired shattered glass.

Mind you, there's more to a Canon engineer's life than extracting a grainy likeness of Maureen from Human Resources' posterior from a wrecked, beer-soaked machine. Midlands-based David Salt explained: "I had to repair a machine after a customer had held their pet cat down on copy glass and copied it," while Dan Hunt of the South West admitted: "I had to repair a machine that had its copy board glass smashed at a military base. They eventually admitted that it had fallen out the back door of their Chinook Helicopter."

Items retrieved from ailing copiers make interesting reading too: mice, a sleeping cat, spiders, a crab, a swarm of bees, a cockroach, a snake, a kitchen knife, a sausage roll , stockings, dominoes, and a cheque for £6,000.

Ah yes, and a vibrator and a condom. Now that must have been one hell of an office party. ®

Bootnote

We understand that Canon has recently increased its glass plate thickness from 4 to 5mm, and accordingly expects a reduction in arse-induced failure. No, that is not an invitation for drunken pressure testing. Behave yourselves.

Providing a secure and efficient Helpdesk

More from The Register

next story
Are you a fat boy? Get to university NOW, you PENNILESS SLACKER
Rotund types paid nearly 20% less than people who didn't eat all the pies
Emma Watson should SHUT UP, all this abuse is HER OWN FAULT
... said an anon coward who we really wish hadn't posted on our website
Japan develops robot CHEERLEADERS which RIDE on BALLS
'Will put smiles on faces worldwide', predicts corporate PR chief
Bruges Booze tubes to pump LOVELY BEER underneath city
Belgian booze pumped from underground
Let it go, Steve: Ballmer bans iPads from his LA Clippers b-ball team
Can you imagine the scene? 'Hey guys, it's your new owner – WTF is that on your desk?'
Amazon: Wish in one hand, Twit in the other – see which one fills first
#AmazonWishList A year's supply of Arran scotch, ta
SLOSH! Cops dethrone suspect - by tipping over portaloo with him inside
Talk about raising a stink and soiling your career
Ingredient found in TASTY BEER is GOOD for your BRAIN
You only have to drink 2k litres a day to see the effect...
Oz carrier Tiger Air takes terror alerts to new heights
Don't doodle, it might cost you your flight
prev story

Whitepapers

Forging a new future with identity relationship management
Learn about ForgeRock's next generation IRM platform and how it is designed to empower CEOS's and enterprises to engage with consumers.
Storage capacity and performance optimization at Mizuno USA
Mizuno USA turn to Tegile storage technology to solve both their SAN and backup issues.
The next step in data security
With recent increased privacy concerns and computers becoming more powerful, the chance of hackers being able to crack smaller-sized RSA keys increases.
Security for virtualized datacentres
Legacy security solutions are inefficient due to the architectural differences between physical and virtual environments.
A strategic approach to identity relationship management
ForgeRock commissioned Forrester to evaluate companies’ IAM practices and requirements when it comes to customer-facing scenarios versus employee-facing ones.