Feeds

Lizard Army fuses woman with black helicopter

neoLuddite Resistance Army at Defcon 'Warwick'

  • alert
  • submit to reddit

Providing a secure and efficient Helpdesk

Fellow members of the neoLuddite Resistance Army (NRA) who have written to express their concern at an apparent lack of recent activity in our Montana command bunker should rest assured that - contrary to popular belief - we have not spent the entire summer taking drunken potshots at Renault Lagunas with pulse plasma laser rifles, but rather working on a field guide to technological menaces worldwide.

The alphabetical cyberbestiary - which should be ready for release in about a month - will offer a handy cut-out-and-keep reference to just about every known threat, from apocalypse cubes to rat-brain-controlled zombie armies. Watch this space.

In the meantime, the student of the Rise of the Machines® might be tempted to dip into How to Survive a Robot Uprising: Tips on Defending Yourself Against the Coming Rebellion, recently released by Carnegie Mellon University roboticist Daniel H. Wilson.

We have not yet read the said book, but fellow NRA members are cautioned that we already have firm evidence that everyone at Carnegie Mellon is controlled via explosive cranial implant from the Lizard Army mothership. Look no further than our previous report into the DARPA grand challenge and CM's computer-controlled H1ghlander. Enough said.

That black helicopter woman in fullAnd speaking of cranial implants, we are obliged to Gary Pearce for chilling evidence that the reptilian forces of darkness have been experimenting with a human/black helicopter hybrid, apparently controlled by instructions downloaded onto an iPod.

This is a disturbing development. We believe this terrifying creation is "activated" via iTunes when the subject downloads an apparently innocent album of 1970s glam rock covers by the "David Icke Quartet" in response to a subliminal message broadcast during a TV advert for the Citroën C4.

Among the foot-tapping faves - including the peerless Blockbuster by Sweet and T-Rex's Metal Guru - is a version of Gary Glitter's 1976 ditty You Belong To Me which, when played backwards, contains the message: "The time has arrived. Kill all entirely carbon-based lifeforms."

You know the rest: smouldering post-apocalyptic landscape, sobbing remnants of humanity pursued by fire-breathing bendy buses, and so forth.

Accordingly, we are issuing a low-grade Defcon "Warwick" until we have ascertained exactly how many chopper hybrids are currently in circulation and whether simply unplugging their iPods and stamping on them will permanently disable the threat. Stay alert. ®

The Rise of the Machines™

NRA probes Japanese sex android
Androids launch minicab firm
Beware the breast-examining hand of death
Lizard Army Neo-Mech menaces eBay
Vampire robonurses hunt in packs
Captain Cyborg gives forth on CNN
Cornell Uni develops apocalypse cube
Sex android begats Armageddon machine
Man executes Chrysler
Rise of the man-eating cyberloo
Sobbing Frenchman recounts Renault Laguna terror ordeal
Fire-breathing bus attacks South London
Dyson unleashes self-replicating hoover
Battling teen crushes roboarm menace
French join motorised Lizard Alliance
Lizard Army develops copulating robot
We are Zogg: The Cuddly Menace
Lizard Army invades Alaska
London menaced by flaming DVD players
Killer hoover attacks Scotsman
Car self-destructs in assassination bid
The rise of the rat-brain controlled android
Japanese unveil trumpet-playing robot
Boffins unleash robotic cockroach
Ukrainian teen fights the Rise of the Machines
Man in satanic Renault terror ordeal
Killer cyberappliances: Satan implicated
US develops motorised robobollard
Killer cyberloo kidnaps kiddie
A robot in every home by 2010
Cyberappliances attack Italian village
Fire-breathing buses threaten London
Cyberloo blast rocks Stoke-on-Trent
Spanish cyberkiosks claim second victim
Cyberkiosk assaults Spanish teenager
Hi-tech toilet caught on camera
Hi-tech toilet swallows woman

Internet Security Threat Report 2014

More from The Register

next story
MARS NEEDS WOMEN, claims NASA pseudo 'naut: They eat less
'Some might find this idea offensive' boffin admits
LOHAN crash lands on CNN
Overflies Die Welt en route to lively US news vid
Experts brand LOHAN's squeaky-clean box
Phytosanitary treatment renders Vulture 2 crate fit for export
No sail: NASA spikes Sunjammer
'Solar sail' demonstrator project binned
Carry On Cosmonaut: Willful Child is a poor taste Star Trek parody
Cringeworthy, crude and crass jokes abound in Steven Erikson’s sci-fi debut
Origins of SEXUAL INTERCOURSE fished out of SCOTTISH LAKE
Fossil find proves it first happened 385 million years ago
Human spacecraft dodge COMET CHUNKS pelting off Mars
Odyssey orbiter yet to report, though - comet's trailing trash poses new threat
You can crunch it all you like, but the answer is NOT always in the data
Hear that, 'data journalists'? Our analytics prof holds forth
prev story

Whitepapers

Forging a new future with identity relationship management
Learn about ForgeRock's next generation IRM platform and how it is designed to empower CEOS's and enterprises to engage with consumers.
Why and how to choose the right cloud vendor
The benefits of cloud-based storage in your processes. Eliminate onsite, disk-based backup and archiving in favor of cloud-based data protection.
Three 1TB solid state scorchers up for grabs
Big SSDs can be expensive but think big and think free because you could be the lucky winner of one of three 1TB Samsung SSD 840 EVO drives that we’re giving away worth over £300 apiece.
Reg Reader Research: SaaS based Email and Office Productivity Tools
Read this Reg reader report which provides advice and guidance for SMBs towards the use of SaaS based email and Office productivity tools.
Security for virtualized datacentres
Legacy security solutions are inefficient due to the architectural differences between physical and virtual environments.