Feeds

Lizard Army fuses woman with black helicopter

neoLuddite Resistance Army at Defcon 'Warwick'

  • alert
  • submit to reddit

Secure remote control for conventional and virtual desktops

Fellow members of the neoLuddite Resistance Army (NRA) who have written to express their concern at an apparent lack of recent activity in our Montana command bunker should rest assured that - contrary to popular belief - we have not spent the entire summer taking drunken potshots at Renault Lagunas with pulse plasma laser rifles, but rather working on a field guide to technological menaces worldwide.

The alphabetical cyberbestiary - which should be ready for release in about a month - will offer a handy cut-out-and-keep reference to just about every known threat, from apocalypse cubes to rat-brain-controlled zombie armies. Watch this space.

In the meantime, the student of the Rise of the Machines® might be tempted to dip into How to Survive a Robot Uprising: Tips on Defending Yourself Against the Coming Rebellion, recently released by Carnegie Mellon University roboticist Daniel H. Wilson.

We have not yet read the said book, but fellow NRA members are cautioned that we already have firm evidence that everyone at Carnegie Mellon is controlled via explosive cranial implant from the Lizard Army mothership. Look no further than our previous report into the DARPA grand challenge and CM's computer-controlled H1ghlander. Enough said.

That black helicopter woman in fullAnd speaking of cranial implants, we are obliged to Gary Pearce for chilling evidence that the reptilian forces of darkness have been experimenting with a human/black helicopter hybrid, apparently controlled by instructions downloaded onto an iPod.

This is a disturbing development. We believe this terrifying creation is "activated" via iTunes when the subject downloads an apparently innocent album of 1970s glam rock covers by the "David Icke Quartet" in response to a subliminal message broadcast during a TV advert for the Citroën C4.

Among the foot-tapping faves - including the peerless Blockbuster by Sweet and T-Rex's Metal Guru - is a version of Gary Glitter's 1976 ditty You Belong To Me which, when played backwards, contains the message: "The time has arrived. Kill all entirely carbon-based lifeforms."

You know the rest: smouldering post-apocalyptic landscape, sobbing remnants of humanity pursued by fire-breathing bendy buses, and so forth.

Accordingly, we are issuing a low-grade Defcon "Warwick" until we have ascertained exactly how many chopper hybrids are currently in circulation and whether simply unplugging their iPods and stamping on them will permanently disable the threat. Stay alert. ®

The Rise of the Machines™

NRA probes Japanese sex android
Androids launch minicab firm
Beware the breast-examining hand of death
Lizard Army Neo-Mech menaces eBay
Vampire robonurses hunt in packs
Captain Cyborg gives forth on CNN
Cornell Uni develops apocalypse cube
Sex android begats Armageddon machine
Man executes Chrysler
Rise of the man-eating cyberloo
Sobbing Frenchman recounts Renault Laguna terror ordeal
Fire-breathing bus attacks South London
Dyson unleashes self-replicating hoover
Battling teen crushes roboarm menace
French join motorised Lizard Alliance
Lizard Army develops copulating robot
We are Zogg: The Cuddly Menace
Lizard Army invades Alaska
London menaced by flaming DVD players
Killer hoover attacks Scotsman
Car self-destructs in assassination bid
The rise of the rat-brain controlled android
Japanese unveil trumpet-playing robot
Boffins unleash robotic cockroach
Ukrainian teen fights the Rise of the Machines
Man in satanic Renault terror ordeal
Killer cyberappliances: Satan implicated
US develops motorised robobollard
Killer cyberloo kidnaps kiddie
A robot in every home by 2010
Cyberappliances attack Italian village
Fire-breathing buses threaten London
Cyberloo blast rocks Stoke-on-Trent
Spanish cyberkiosks claim second victim
Cyberkiosk assaults Spanish teenager
Hi-tech toilet caught on camera
Hi-tech toilet swallows woman

Next gen security for virtualised datacentres

More from The Register

next story
Boffins attempt to prove the UNIVERSE IS JUST A HOLOGRAM
Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy?
Our LOHAN spaceplane ballocket Kickstarter climbs through £8000
Through 25 per cent but more is needed: Get your UNIQUE rewards!
NASA to reformat Opportunity rover's memory from 125 million miles away
Interplanetary admins will back up data and get to work
LOHAN tunes into ultra long range radio
And verily, Vultures shall speak status unto distant receivers
SpaceX prototype rocket EXPLODES over Texas. 'Tricky' biz, says Elon Musk
No injuries or near injuries. Flight stayed in designated area
Galileo, Galileo! Galileo, Galileo! Galileo fit to go. Magnifico
I'm just a poor boy, nobody loves me. But at least I can find my way with ESA GPS by 2017
EOS, Lockheed to track space junk from Oz
WA facility gets laser-eyes out of the fog
prev story

Whitepapers

5 things you didn’t know about cloud backup
IT departments are embracing cloud backup, but there’s a lot you need to know before choosing a service provider. Learn all the critical things you need to know.
Implementing global e-invoicing with guaranteed legal certainty
Explaining the role local tax compliance plays in successful supply chain management and e-business and how leading global brands are addressing this.
Backing up Big Data
Solving backup challenges and “protect everything from everywhere,” as we move into the era of big data management and the adoption of BYOD.
Consolidation: The Foundation for IT Business Transformation
In this whitepaper learn how effective consolidation of IT and business resources can enable multiple, meaningful business benefits.
High Performance for All
While HPC is not new, it has traditionally been seen as a specialist area – is it now geared up to meet more mainstream requirements?