Lizard Army fuses woman with black helicopter

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Lizard Army fuses woman with black helicopter

neoLuddite Resistance Army at Defcon 'Warwick'

By Lester Haines → More by this author

Published Friday 4th November 2005 11:37 GMT

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Fellow members of the neoLuddite Resistance Army (NRA) who have written to express their concern at an apparent lack of recent activity in our Montana command bunker should rest assured that - contrary to popular belief - we have not spent the entire summer taking drunken potshots at Renault Lagunas with pulse plasma laser rifles, but rather working on a field guide to technological menaces worldwide.

The alphabetical cyberbestiary - which should be ready for release in about a month - will offer a handy cut-out-and-keep reference to just about every known threat, from apocalypse cubes to rat-brain-controlled zombie armies. Watch this space.

In the meantime, the student of the Rise of the Machines® might be tempted to dip into How to Survive a Robot Uprising: Tips on Defending Yourself Against the Coming Rebellion, recently released by Carnegie Mellon University roboticist Daniel H. Wilson.

We have not yet read the said book, but fellow NRA members are cautioned that we already have firm evidence that everyone at Carnegie Mellon is controlled via explosive cranial implant from the Lizard Army mothership. Look no further than our previous report into the DARPA grand challenge and CM's computer-controlled H1ghlander. Enough said.

That black helicopter woman in full And speaking of cranial implants, we are obliged to Gary Pearce for chilling evidence that the reptilian forces of darkness have been experimenting with a human/black helicopter hybrid, apparently controlled by instructions downloaded onto an iPod.

This is a disturbing development. We believe this terrifying creation is "activated" via iTunes when the subject downloads an apparently innocent album of 1970s glam rock covers by the "David Icke Quartet" in response to a subliminal message broadcast during a TV advert for the Citroën C4.

Among the foot-tapping faves - including the peerless Blockbuster by Sweet and T-Rex's Metal Guru - is a version of Gary Glitter's 1976 ditty You Belong To Me which, when played backwards, contains the message: "The time has arrived. Kill all entirely carbon-based lifeforms."

You know the rest: smouldering post-apocalyptic landscape, sobbing remnants of humanity pursued by fire-breathing bendy buses, and so forth.

Accordingly, we are issuing a low-grade Defcon "Warwick" until we have ascertained exactly how many chopper hybrids are currently in circulation and whether simply unplugging their iPods and stamping on them will permanently disable the threat. Stay alert. ®