In the great tradition of "buy my services for a day and do with me what you will", the president of animal-hugging pressure group PETA is auctioning her services on eBay. The blurb explains:

Here’s a unique chance to hire hands-on corporate administrator and founder Ingrid Newkirk, president of People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA), as your personal assistant for a day.

Use her experience in animal matters and corporate know-how to good advantage, perhaps by having her accompany you on your annual hunting expedition or to the rodeo or a bullfight.

What about having her redesign your animal testing lab or your bear bile farm, check your trapline, sharpen the lamb mulesing shears on your Outback farm or unload your poor old sheep from the docks in Dubai, build supports to stop your cattle from slipping off the truck ramps at the leather market, or count how many times the workers at your slaughterhouse miss with the captive-bolt gun?

You can have her clean rodent cages or racehorse stalls, serve customers at your dog-soup restaurant, or just have her listen for hours to your hunting club members expound on their manhood.

Of course, as one of the world’s most prominent animal rights leaders, Newkirk would gladly also help you veganize your corporate cafeteria or cook your family’s dinner, bring your wardrobe into the 21st century by going with you on a compassionate shopping spree, or cap your chimney to keep wildlife out of your fireplace this winter. She could help you select cruelty-free holiday gifts, train you to be nicer to your Rottweilers or teach you how to talk to your cats, restock your bathroom cabinet with cruelty-free toiletries and cleaning products, or swap out your sticky glue traps for Havahart® humane box traps.

Or perhaps you have other ideas.

Yes we do. A quick poll of the office included: mucking out rat cages at Huntingdon Life Sciences; acting as deckhand on a Japanese whaling ship; blowing up a terrier by attaching a firework to its tail (currently a UK favourite among alcopop-crazed teens who have not yet attracted the attention of an Asbo); actually fighting a bull at the Plaza de Toros in Madrid; throwing a blindfolded donkey from a church tower (another Spanish favourite - are there no depths to which the Dons will not sink in search of family entertainment?); fighting a fur-clad Naomi Campbell in the ethical fashion Arena of Death during London Fashion Week; and excising the word "veganize" from the dictionary so that all innocent, defenceless people are not made to suffer unnecessarily at the hands of cruel US amateur lexicographers. We're sure readers can think of plenty more.

The bidding currently stands at around $1k with eight days left to run. Go to it. ®

Bootnote

Check out the lovely pic accompanying the auction. We reckon the dog might be a bit handy at ratting or hare coursing. Hmmm...