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Ballmer: 'I've never thrown a chair in my life'

It was a table, then?

Internet Security Threat Report 2014

Steve Ballmer has denied ever throwing a chair in his life in response to the accusation that he launched said piece of furniture across the room when ex-MS employee Mark Lukovsky told the big fella he was off to Google.

Ballmer simply tells the Telegraph: "I've never thrown a chair in my life," thereby creating the possibility of speculation that it was in fact a table, or a water cooler, or a bronze bust of Bill Gates which bore the brunt of his frustration.

Alternatively, Ballmer may in fact have called a lackey into the office to throw the chair for him. After all, when you've got that much wedge firmly trousered, why project your own office recliner when someone else can do it for you?

On the matter of whether he rather splendidly declared: "Fucking Eric Schmidt is a fucking pussy. I'm going to fucking bury that guy, I have done it before, and I will do it again. I'm going to fucking kill Google," Ballmer is a little less certain.

"Did I want to keep that fellow at the company? Yes. Did I say I wanted to compete with Google? I don't know what words..." he offers. "I don't know. By and large I made a commitment nine years ago that I was not going to curse. I know I've had one or two transgressions in nine years, but I made that commitment to myself. Is that one of them? I don't recall."

The Telegraph opines: "It's hardly a denial. But you get the sense that Ballmer is more upset about this than anyone else. If a highly successful businessman occasionally indulges in a bit of foul language, who cares?"

Er, we do. It's simply not the sort of language we want to hear down at Vulture Central. Chair-chucking we can handle, but really...

Accordingly, here is our suggestion for Steve the next time one of his employees jumps ship: "Blast that Eric Schmidt he really is an utter cad. I'm going to wag my finger in his face, I have done it before, and I will do it again. I'm going to see to it that Google..." <throw chair/table/water cooler/bust of Bill Gates> ®

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