Feeds

Wanted: seasoned w**nkers for online ejaculation pole

No IT angle, NSFW, may cause blindness

Top 5 reasons to deploy VMware with Tegile

Yes, we know: we shouldn't be giving the following story the time of day. Worse still, we should in fact be expressing our righteous indignation that sex toy e-outfit LoveHoney.co.uk (purveyor of the popular backless thong) is running an online poll to determine exactly how long it takes the average male onanist to achieve explosive satisfaction.

But you know how it is; slow news day, new blade servers a bit thin on the ground, hot Linux boxes hard to come by, etc, etc. And, lamentably, we find ourselves perversely attracted to what must rate as the most in-your-face internet promotion of all time. Read on:

Yeehaw – howdy Pardners! LoveHoney.co.uk has come up with the Stroke 29 Shoot Out Survey, to compile a study of current trends in one-handed hoedowns across the UK, whilst attempting to compile the first ever Average Strokes To Cum (ASTC) Index. And the survey needs YOUR help…

The survey involves using Stroke 29: a male masturbation cream that heats up from repetitive stroking. The texture supposedly transforms at around the twenty-ninth stroke to simulate the sensation of aroused human tissue. The makers of Stroke 29 claim it lasts longer than the user, and the survey aims to test this theory, whilst staging a historic investigation into the oldest form of solo male entertainment in the world.

Participants are promised a great hand-job and free lube for their efforts, whilst contributing to a vital sex study, simply by liquidising their assets via a five knuckle shuffle. By signing up with the online form participants will register to receive their free sample of Stroke 29 cream. Once they receive the sachet, they can then carry out the important anonymous research for this prestigious study. So are you waiting for? May the Stroke be with you…

For the love of all that's Holy. Seasoned wankers can participate in this ground-breaking strokefest right here. But please - wait until you get home. ®

Secure remote control for conventional and virtual desktops

More from The Register

next story
Facebook's Zuckerberg in EBOLA VIRUS FIGHT: Billionaire battles bug
US Centers for Disease Control and Prevention contacted as site supremo coughs up
Space exploration is just so lame. NEW APPS are mankind's future
We feel obliged to point out the headline statement is total, utter cobblers
Win a year’s supply of chocolate (no tech knowledge required)
Over £200 worth of the good stuff up for grabs
Down-under record: Australian gets $140k for pussy
'Tiffany' closes deal - 'it's more common to offer your wife', says agent
Internet finally ready to replace answering machine cassette tape
It's a simple message and I'm leaving out the whistles and bells
Swiss wildlife park serves up furry residents to visitors
'It's ecological' says spokesman, now how would you like your Bambi done?
The iPAD launch BEFORE it happened: SPECULATIVE GUFF ahead of actual event
Nerve-shattering run-up to the pre-planned known event
STONER SHEEP get the MUNCHIES after feasting on £4k worth of cannabis plants
Baaaaaa! Fanny's Farm's woolly flock is high, maaaaaan
FedEx helps deliver THOUSANDS of spam messages DIRECT to its Blighty customers
Don't worry Wilson, I'll do all the paddling. You just hang on
Red Bull does NOT give you wings, $13.5m lawsuit says so
Website letting consumers claim $10 cash back crashes after stampede
prev story

Whitepapers

Forging a new future with identity relationship management
Learn about ForgeRock's next generation IRM platform and how it is designed to empower CEOS's and enterprises to engage with consumers.
Why cloud backup?
Combining the latest advancements in disk-based backup with secure, integrated, cloud technologies offer organizations fast and assured recovery of their critical enterprise data.
Win a year’s supply of chocolate
There is no techie angle to this competition so we're not going to pretend there is, but everyone loves chocolate so who cares.
High Performance for All
While HPC is not new, it has traditionally been seen as a specialist area – is it now geared up to meet more mainstream requirements?
Intelligent flash storage arrays
Tegile Intelligent Storage Arrays with IntelliFlash helps IT boost storage utilization and effciency while delivering unmatched storage savings and performance.