Feeds

Wanted: seasoned w**nkers for online ejaculation pole

No IT angle, NSFW, may cause blindness

Internet Security Threat Report 2014

Yes, we know: we shouldn't be giving the following story the time of day. Worse still, we should in fact be expressing our righteous indignation that sex toy e-outfit LoveHoney.co.uk (purveyor of the popular backless thong) is running an online poll to determine exactly how long it takes the average male onanist to achieve explosive satisfaction.

But you know how it is; slow news day, new blade servers a bit thin on the ground, hot Linux boxes hard to come by, etc, etc. And, lamentably, we find ourselves perversely attracted to what must rate as the most in-your-face internet promotion of all time. Read on:

Yeehaw – howdy Pardners! LoveHoney.co.uk has come up with the Stroke 29 Shoot Out Survey, to compile a study of current trends in one-handed hoedowns across the UK, whilst attempting to compile the first ever Average Strokes To Cum (ASTC) Index. And the survey needs YOUR help…

The survey involves using Stroke 29: a male masturbation cream that heats up from repetitive stroking. The texture supposedly transforms at around the twenty-ninth stroke to simulate the sensation of aroused human tissue. The makers of Stroke 29 claim it lasts longer than the user, and the survey aims to test this theory, whilst staging a historic investigation into the oldest form of solo male entertainment in the world.

Participants are promised a great hand-job and free lube for their efforts, whilst contributing to a vital sex study, simply by liquidising their assets via a five knuckle shuffle. By signing up with the online form participants will register to receive their free sample of Stroke 29 cream. Once they receive the sachet, they can then carry out the important anonymous research for this prestigious study. So are you waiting for? May the Stroke be with you…

For the love of all that's Holy. Seasoned wankers can participate in this ground-breaking strokefest right here. But please - wait until you get home. ®

Beginner's guide to SSL certificates

More from The Register

next story
WRISTJOB LOVE BONANZA: justWatch sex app promises blind date hookups
Mankind shuffles into the future, five fingers at a time
Every billionaire needs a PANZER TANK, right? STOP THERE, Paul Allen
Angry Microsoftie hauls auctioneers to court over stalled Pzkw. IV 'deal'
Apple's Mr Havisham: Tim Cook says dead Steve Jobs' office has remained untouched
'I literally think about him every day' says biz baron's old friend
Flaming drone batteries ground commercial flight before takeoff
Passenger had Something To Declare, instead fiddled while plane burned
Cops apologise for leaving EXPLOSIVES in suitcase at airport
'Canine training exercise' SNAFU sees woman take home booming baggage
Oi, London thief. We KNOW what you're doing - our PRECRIME system warned us
Aye, shipmate, it be just like that Minority Report
prev story

Whitepapers

Providing a secure and efficient Helpdesk
A single remote control platform for user support is be key to providing an efficient helpdesk. Retain full control over the way in which screen and keystroke data is transmitted.
WIN a very cool portable ZX Spectrum
Win a one-off portable Spectrum built by legendary hardware hacker Ben Heck
Saudi Petroleum chooses Tegile storage solution
A storage solution that addresses company growth and performance for business-critical applications of caseware archive and search along with other key operational systems.
Protecting users from Firesheep and other Sidejacking attacks with SSL
Discussing the vulnerabilities inherent in Wi-Fi networks, and how using TLS/SSL for your entire site will assure security.
Security for virtualized datacentres
Legacy security solutions are inefficient due to the architectural differences between physical and virtual environments.