Feeds

Wanted: seasoned w**nkers for online ejaculation pole

No IT angle, NSFW, may cause blindness

Next gen security for virtualised datacentres

Yes, we know: we shouldn't be giving the following story the time of day. Worse still, we should in fact be expressing our righteous indignation that sex toy e-outfit LoveHoney.co.uk (purveyor of the popular backless thong) is running an online poll to determine exactly how long it takes the average male onanist to achieve explosive satisfaction.

But you know how it is; slow news day, new blade servers a bit thin on the ground, hot Linux boxes hard to come by, etc, etc. And, lamentably, we find ourselves perversely attracted to what must rate as the most in-your-face internet promotion of all time. Read on:

Yeehaw – howdy Pardners! LoveHoney.co.uk has come up with the Stroke 29 Shoot Out Survey, to compile a study of current trends in one-handed hoedowns across the UK, whilst attempting to compile the first ever Average Strokes To Cum (ASTC) Index. And the survey needs YOUR help…

The survey involves using Stroke 29: a male masturbation cream that heats up from repetitive stroking. The texture supposedly transforms at around the twenty-ninth stroke to simulate the sensation of aroused human tissue. The makers of Stroke 29 claim it lasts longer than the user, and the survey aims to test this theory, whilst staging a historic investigation into the oldest form of solo male entertainment in the world.

Participants are promised a great hand-job and free lube for their efforts, whilst contributing to a vital sex study, simply by liquidising their assets via a five knuckle shuffle. By signing up with the online form participants will register to receive their free sample of Stroke 29 cream. Once they receive the sachet, they can then carry out the important anonymous research for this prestigious study. So are you waiting for? May the Stroke be with you…

For the love of all that's Holy. Seasoned wankers can participate in this ground-breaking strokefest right here. But please - wait until you get home. ®

Build a business case: developing custom apps

More from The Register

next story
Drunkards warned: If you can't walk in a straight line, don't shop online, you fool!
Put it away boys. Cover them up ladies. Your credit cards, we mean
Yes, but what are your plans if a DRAGON attacks?
Local UK gov outs most ridiculous FoI requests...
Murder accused DIDN'T ask Siri 'how to hide my roommate'
US court hears of cached browser image - not actual request
Cops baffled by riddle of CHICKEN who crossed ROAD
'Officers were unable to determine Chicken's intent'
Why your mum was WRONG about whiffy tattooed people
They're a future source of RENEWABLE ENERGY
Chomp that sausage: Brits just LOVE scoffing a Full Monty
Sales of traditional brekkie foods soar as hungry folk get their mitts greasy
Nuts to your poncey hipster coffees, I want a TESLA ELECTRO-CAFE
Examining the frothy disconnect in indie cafe culture
prev story

Whitepapers

Implementing global e-invoicing with guaranteed legal certainty
Explaining the role local tax compliance plays in successful supply chain management and e-business and how leading global brands are addressing this.
7 Elements of Radically Simple OS Migration
Avoid the typical headaches of OS migration during your next project by learning about 7 elements of radically simple OS migration.
BYOD's dark side: Data protection
An endpoint data protection solution that adds value to the user and the organization so it can protect itself from data loss as well as leverage corporate data.
Consolidation: The Foundation for IT Business Transformation
In this whitepaper learn how effective consolidation of IT and business resources can enable multiple, meaningful business benefits.
High Performance for All
While HPC is not new, it has traditionally been seen as a specialist area – is it now geared up to meet more mainstream requirements?