Feeds

Whining American eBays 'devil doll'

'Julie' conjures apocalypse and toxic mold

Combat fraud and increase customer satisfaction

Be afraid: the Julie devil dollThose readers who think that Hurricane Katrina is just about the worst thing that can happen to an honest, God-fearing American would do well to consider that your house blowing down is as nothing compared to the terrible calamity which has befallen the owner of the "Julie" devil doll - a porcelain manifestation of pure evil now available on eBay to anyone with the courage to face the truly apocalyptic consequences of making a successful bid.

We kid you not. Here's the background:

You are bidding on a "Doll by Julie". Doll appears to be in excellent condition and is made from porcelain. However, since we "discovered" her in our basement while preparing to see our house in Kansas, we have had NOTHING but bad luck.

Yup, you've guessed it: devil doll appears from nowhere, resists all attempts at disposal and gradually subjects target family to a spine-tingling litany of terror. Here are a few extracts, which, we should caution, are not for the faint-hearted:

In June 2003, we were prepping our house for sale by getting rid of unnecessary clutter. I came across this doll that was not bought by anyone in our house, nor was it received as a gift. I thought nothing of it and put it in a large pile for items to donate. Our houses have always been by the true word spotless, and we have always won the blue ribbon awards when selling our homes. This house FINALLY sold on July 2004 when houses all around us that were slightly more expensive sold that were filled with clutter and were dirty. Previously, all our homes sold in less than 90 days, even in the bad times of the early 90's!

Spooky, but there's more:

Since we have a family of six, and were supposed to be transferred to Europe, we moved into an apartment. Finding a three bedroom apartment in KS, which is required for six people, was almost impossible. It looked like our luck was changing as we found a three year old unit less than 2 miles from our house!... My wife went to clean the apartment to make it spotless (no one bothered to ever clean under the refrigerator, stove, or dishwasher so it was DISGUSTING) and noticed the air was not working. She returned back to the house dizzy, thinking it was a result of the hot Kansas weather. Once cleaned, I was tasked to move the items and get the air conditioner working... Three days later, the family came over. In less than two days, my wife and youngest son stopped breathing due to lovely TOXIC mold in the air conditioning unit.

MOLD is the WORST natural disaster possible, as they ONLY way to get rid of mold was to Lysol and bleach everything as the mold spores WILL stay with all of your belongings. A tornado would have been much better than this... Working for a large company did not help either. My boss was on army leave and human resources NEVER returned my phone calls. Desperate for options, I moved my family in with the in-laws in Apopka FL in July 2004, having to leave most of our possessions in KS, including a new refrigerator, desk, and Laserjet 5SI. I figured I could at least still telecommute while I addressed my family's needs from being affected by toxic mold. They now have permanent damage and require an inhaler from time to time. This was just in time for FOUR hurricanes to hit Florida, THREE which affected Apopka directly (right by Orlando), where there has NOT been a hurricane of that magnitude there ever, and the last bad one was in the 60's.

So, we can conclude that Julie has not only the power to smite through TOXIC mold, but also the ability to control the elements and conjure terrible storms. It doesn't end there, but you'll just have to make a nice cup of tea and put your feet up to work through the comprehensive tale of woe. It actually ends thus, after further doll-inspired calamities including the vendor losing his job, an abortive attempt to relocate to Blighty, and a second killer mold incident:

It gets worse - still no jobs for a person with strong Accounting, Finance, Insurance, IT Skills, Certified, working on a Masters, etc..... Since we have been here, my laptop broke (as you can see I am parting out the good pieces from other auctions), my wife tripped and ran the chair into the LCD monitor which now has a nice scratch on it. My father has lost 60 pounds - 200 down to 140 over the last 5 months and they are testing him for cancer. My mother-in-law has a brain tumor. My wife and son still have asthma attacks. I cannot sue in KS the apartment complex as mold laws are not defined an I cannot even get a Kansas lawyer to take my case. My savings are being depleted fast...I need this doll gone.

To summarise: anyone with a penchant for apocalypse can bid right now for the Julie devil doll of Aurora, Illinois. We can't find much to recommend it, but buyers should note that it does come from a "non-smoking/pet-free home", which is a definite plus, even if it is certainly contaminated with fatal levels of toxic mold spores. ®

High performance access to file storage

More from The Register

next story
Spanish village called 'Kill the Jews' mulls rebranding exercise
Not exactly attractive to the Israeli tourist demographic
Oz bank in comedy Heartbleed blog FAIL
Bank: 'We are now safely patched.' Customers: 'You were using OpenSSL?'
Happy 40th Playmobil: Reg looks back at small, rude world of our favourite tiny toys
Little men straddle LOHAN, attend tiny G20 Summit... ah, sweet memories...
Forget the beach 'n' boardwalk, check out the Santa Cruz STEVE JOBS FOUNTAIN
Reg reader snaps shot of touching tribute to Apple icon
Lego is the TOOL OF SATAN, thunders Polish priest
New minifigs like Monster Fighters are turning kids to the dark side
Dark SITH LORD 'Darth Vader' joins battle to rule, er, Ukraine
Only I can 'make an empire out of a republic' intones presidential candidate
Chinese company counters pollution by importing fresh air
Citizens line up for bags of that sweet, sweet mountain air
Google asks April Fools: Want a job? Be our 'Pokemon Master'
Mountain View is prankin' like it's 1999...
prev story

Whitepapers

Securing web applications made simple and scalable
In this whitepaper learn how automated security testing can provide a simple and scalable way to protect your web applications.
3 Big data security analytics techniques
Applying these Big Data security analytics techniques can help you make your business safer by detecting attacks early, before significant damage is done.
The benefits of software based PBX
Why you should break free from your proprietary PBX and how to leverage your existing server hardware.
Top three mobile application threats
Learn about three of the top mobile application security threats facing businesses today and recommendations on how to mitigate the risk.
Combat fraud and increase customer satisfaction
Based on their experience using HP ArcSight Enterprise Security Manager for IT security operations, Finansbank moved to HP ArcSight ESM for fraud management.