Feeds

Google tracks Hitler to San Diego

Führer bunkers down on US soil

  • alert
  • submit to reddit

Choosing a cloud hosting partner with confidence

Black helicopter alert Never in the history of conspiracy theories have there been more black helicopters simultaneously airborne than in the case of what actually happened to Adolf Hitler on - and after - 30 April 1945.

Those of a less imaginative bent have it that the Führer simply shot himself and then his few remaining mates incinerated his and Eva Braun's bodies outside the bunker. Shortly afterwards, the Red Army arrived and took what little remained of the unhappy couple and whisked the bits off to Moscow.

However, some doubts remain. On 1 May, Martin Bormann, Artur Axmann (Hitler Youth supremo) and Ludwig Stumpfegger (Hitler's sawbones) tried to leg it out of Berlin. Axmann was later captured in the Bavarian Alps, and maintained that both Bormann and Stumpfegger had been shot during the escape attempt.

Black helicopter watchers know better. Bormann was subsequently spotted in Paraguay, raising speculation that he and his old chum Adolf had relocated to sunnier climes. After all, where better to hide out than South America, where the authorities at that time had a rather laissez faire attitude to top-ranking Nazis bearing large sums of plundered cash.

Well, we can now exclusively reveal that there is one location better suited to keeping your head down if you have made yourself rather unpopular by provoking the Second World War - somewhere so improbable that the conspiracy theory paradigm can consider itself well and truly redefined. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to "The Seal's Lair", Bougainville Road, US Navy Exchange, San Diego:

Hitler's bolthole discovered at last

Naturally, this being Adolf Hitler, he couldn't just bunker down in some suburban duplex and get on with writing his memoires. Oh no, when you've commanded the Thousand Year Reich you at least want an office complex in the shape of a swastika, courtesy of the Albert Speer school of architecture.

That forest swastika in fullThose readers wondering how on Earth the US military didn't spot this before are reminded of the strange case of the arboreal swastika; a plantation of larch trees in a pine forest near the village of Zernikow, 60 miles north of Berlin.

Created in 1938 by horticultural Hitler aficionados, the swastika was not discovered until 1992 by a researcher perusing aerial photos. It has since been chainsawed into history, and quite right too.

Furthermore, the US can hardly be expected to spot large-scale Nazi construction activity on one of its own bases at a time when every available surveillance resource was directed at Cuban nuclear missile facilites, then Vietnamese troop movements, and latterly, the vast stockpiles of Weapons of Mass Destruction™ left by departing Iraqi ne'er-do-well Saddam "50 Palaces" Hussein.

Thank God then for Google - the company which finally laid the Hitler conspiracy to rest. ®

Bootnote

A quick danke very much to those various readers who pointed us in the direction of the Seal's Lair. Good work.

Related stories

Google spots Jesus in Peruvian sand dune
Need a brothel? Ask Google
Google redraws world according to George Bush

Intelligent flash storage arrays

More from The Register

next story
Holy vintage vehicles! Earliest known official Batmobile goes on sale
Riddle me this: are you prepared to pay US$180k?
Bible THUMP: Good Book beats Darwin to most influential tome title
Folio Society crowns fittest of surviving volumes
'Open source just means big companies can steal your code.' O RLY?
Plus: Flame of the Week returns, for one night only!
U wot? Silicon Roundabout set to become Silicon U-BEND
Crap-spouting London upstarts to get permanent road closure
Hey, you, PHONE-FACE! Kickstarter in-car mobe mount will EMBED your phone into your MUG
Stick it on the steering wheel and wait for the airbag to fire
NEWSFLASH: It's time to ditch dullard Facebook chums
Everything hot in tech, courtesy of avian anchor Regina Eggbert
'It is comforting to know where your data centres are.' UK.GOV does NOT
Plus: Anons are 'wannabes', KKK says, before being pwned
Criticism of Uber's journo-Data Analytics plan is an Attack on DIGITAL FREEDOM
First they came for Emil – and I'm damn well SPEAKING OUT
prev story

Whitepapers

Choosing cloud Backup services
Demystify how you can address your data protection needs in your small- to medium-sized business and select the best online backup service to meet your needs.
Getting started with customer-focused identity management
Learn why identity is a fundamental requirement to digital growth, and how without it there is no way to identify and engage customers in a meaningful way.
Reg Reader Research: SaaS based Email and Office Productivity Tools
Read this Reg reader report which provides advice and guidance for SMBs towards the use of SaaS based email and Office productivity tools.
Choosing a cloud hosting partner with confidence
Download Choosing a Cloud Hosting Provider with Confidence to learn more about cloud computing - the new opportunities and new security challenges.
Intelligent flash storage arrays
Tegile Intelligent Storage Arrays with IntelliFlash helps IT boost storage utilization and effciency while delivering unmatched storage savings and performance.