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Google tracks Hitler to San Diego

Führer bunkers down on US soil

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Internet Security Threat Report 2014

Black helicopter alert Never in the history of conspiracy theories have there been more black helicopters simultaneously airborne than in the case of what actually happened to Adolf Hitler on - and after - 30 April 1945.

Those of a less imaginative bent have it that the Führer simply shot himself and then his few remaining mates incinerated his and Eva Braun's bodies outside the bunker. Shortly afterwards, the Red Army arrived and took what little remained of the unhappy couple and whisked the bits off to Moscow.

However, some doubts remain. On 1 May, Martin Bormann, Artur Axmann (Hitler Youth supremo) and Ludwig Stumpfegger (Hitler's sawbones) tried to leg it out of Berlin. Axmann was later captured in the Bavarian Alps, and maintained that both Bormann and Stumpfegger had been shot during the escape attempt.

Black helicopter watchers know better. Bormann was subsequently spotted in Paraguay, raising speculation that he and his old chum Adolf had relocated to sunnier climes. After all, where better to hide out than South America, where the authorities at that time had a rather laissez faire attitude to top-ranking Nazis bearing large sums of plundered cash.

Well, we can now exclusively reveal that there is one location better suited to keeping your head down if you have made yourself rather unpopular by provoking the Second World War - somewhere so improbable that the conspiracy theory paradigm can consider itself well and truly redefined. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to "The Seal's Lair", Bougainville Road, US Navy Exchange, San Diego:

Hitler's bolthole discovered at last

Naturally, this being Adolf Hitler, he couldn't just bunker down in some suburban duplex and get on with writing his memoires. Oh no, when you've commanded the Thousand Year Reich you at least want an office complex in the shape of a swastika, courtesy of the Albert Speer school of architecture.

That forest swastika in fullThose readers wondering how on Earth the US military didn't spot this before are reminded of the strange case of the arboreal swastika; a plantation of larch trees in a pine forest near the village of Zernikow, 60 miles north of Berlin.

Created in 1938 by horticultural Hitler aficionados, the swastika was not discovered until 1992 by a researcher perusing aerial photos. It has since been chainsawed into history, and quite right too.

Furthermore, the US can hardly be expected to spot large-scale Nazi construction activity on one of its own bases at a time when every available surveillance resource was directed at Cuban nuclear missile facilites, then Vietnamese troop movements, and latterly, the vast stockpiles of Weapons of Mass Destruction™ left by departing Iraqi ne'er-do-well Saddam "50 Palaces" Hussein.

Thank God then for Google - the company which finally laid the Hitler conspiracy to rest. ®

Bootnote

A quick danke very much to those various readers who pointed us in the direction of the Seal's Lair. Good work.

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