Feeds

Google tracks Hitler to San Diego

Führer bunkers down on US soil

  • alert
  • submit to reddit

Choosing a cloud hosting partner with confidence

Black helicopter alert Never in the history of conspiracy theories have there been more black helicopters simultaneously airborne than in the case of what actually happened to Adolf Hitler on - and after - 30 April 1945.

Those of a less imaginative bent have it that the Führer simply shot himself and then his few remaining mates incinerated his and Eva Braun's bodies outside the bunker. Shortly afterwards, the Red Army arrived and took what little remained of the unhappy couple and whisked the bits off to Moscow.

However, some doubts remain. On 1 May, Martin Bormann, Artur Axmann (Hitler Youth supremo) and Ludwig Stumpfegger (Hitler's sawbones) tried to leg it out of Berlin. Axmann was later captured in the Bavarian Alps, and maintained that both Bormann and Stumpfegger had been shot during the escape attempt.

Black helicopter watchers know better. Bormann was subsequently spotted in Paraguay, raising speculation that he and his old chum Adolf had relocated to sunnier climes. After all, where better to hide out than South America, where the authorities at that time had a rather laissez faire attitude to top-ranking Nazis bearing large sums of plundered cash.

Well, we can now exclusively reveal that there is one location better suited to keeping your head down if you have made yourself rather unpopular by provoking the Second World War - somewhere so improbable that the conspiracy theory paradigm can consider itself well and truly redefined. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to "The Seal's Lair", Bougainville Road, US Navy Exchange, San Diego:

Hitler's bolthole discovered at last

Naturally, this being Adolf Hitler, he couldn't just bunker down in some suburban duplex and get on with writing his memoires. Oh no, when you've commanded the Thousand Year Reich you at least want an office complex in the shape of a swastika, courtesy of the Albert Speer school of architecture.

That forest swastika in fullThose readers wondering how on Earth the US military didn't spot this before are reminded of the strange case of the arboreal swastika; a plantation of larch trees in a pine forest near the village of Zernikow, 60 miles north of Berlin.

Created in 1938 by horticultural Hitler aficionados, the swastika was not discovered until 1992 by a researcher perusing aerial photos. It has since been chainsawed into history, and quite right too.

Furthermore, the US can hardly be expected to spot large-scale Nazi construction activity on one of its own bases at a time when every available surveillance resource was directed at Cuban nuclear missile facilites, then Vietnamese troop movements, and latterly, the vast stockpiles of Weapons of Mass Destruction™ left by departing Iraqi ne'er-do-well Saddam "50 Palaces" Hussein.

Thank God then for Google - the company which finally laid the Hitler conspiracy to rest. ®

Bootnote

A quick danke very much to those various readers who pointed us in the direction of the Seal's Lair. Good work.

Related stories

Google spots Jesus in Peruvian sand dune
Need a brothel? Ask Google
Google redraws world according to George Bush

Security for virtualized datacentres

More from The Register

next story
MEN: For pity's sake SLEEP with LOTS of WOMEN - and avoid Prostate Cancer
And, um, don't sleep with other men. If that's what worries you
Jim Beam me up, Scotty! WHISKY from SPAAACE returns to Earth
They're insured for $1m, before you thirsty folks make plans
Now: The REAL APPLE NEWS you need to know
OMG! Gravity's totes amazeballs. Calm down, George Clooney, not your film
Boffins who stare at goats: I do believe they’re SHRINKING
Alpine chamois being squashed by global warming
Let's make an app that POSTS your POO to APPLE HQ
Plus: It's OPEN WARFARE in the Linux greybeard world
FedEx helps deliver THOUSANDS of spam messages DIRECT to its Blighty customers
Don't worry Wilson, I'll do all the paddling. You just hang on
Adorkable overshare of words like photobomb in this year's dictionaries
And hipsters are finally defined as self-loathing. Sort of
Not a loyal follower of @BritishMonarchy? You missed The QUEEN*'s first Tweet
Her Maj opens 'Information Age' at the Science Museum
prev story

Whitepapers

Why and how to choose the right cloud vendor
The benefits of cloud-based storage in your processes. Eliminate onsite, disk-based backup and archiving in favor of cloud-based data protection.
A strategic approach to identity relationship management
ForgeRock commissioned Forrester to evaluate companies’ IAM practices and requirements when it comes to customer-facing scenarios versus employee-facing ones.
Reg Reader Research: SaaS based Email and Office Productivity Tools
Read this Reg reader report which provides advice and guidance for SMBs towards the use of SaaS based email and Office productivity tools.
New hybrid storage solutions
Tackling data challenges through emerging hybrid storage solutions that enable optimum database performance whilst managing costs and increasingly large data stores.
Website security in corporate America
Find out how you rank among other IT managers testing your website's vulnerabilities.