Feeds

Lizard Army Neo-Mech menaces eBay

Buy it Now! Then die

  • alert
  • submit to reddit

The Power of One Infographic

We at the neoLuddite Resistance Army (NRA) know that the Lizard Alliance - bent on the subjugation of humanity via technology - have in the last two years adopted a variety of approaches to ensure that the only gambolling through meadows our children do in years to come is while being pursued by mephistopholean French automobiles or rat-brain-controlled stealth aircraft.

First up, we have the Attack of the Killer Domestic Appliances™ - self-combusting DVDs and white goods and killer hoovers.

Alternatively, beware the murderous cyberloo - designed to catch the victim at his or her most vulnerable and literally with pants down.

And don't try and run, because the French have seen to it that even your trusted Renault Laguna is programmed to make short work of panic-striken humans attempting to flee the Rise of the Machines™.

This covert approach to the subjugation of mankind is not without operational advantages. After all, who in their right mind would honestly suspect that their Dyson is communcating via the telephone network with a Lizard Army spares parts facility driven by monkey-brain-controlled cyberarms? It's a spine-tingling thought.

On the other hand, why not simply cut the bull and get straight down to business? God alone knows, there's enough in-your-face evidence that extraterrestrial forces are as we speak assembling a terrifying range of battlefield droids, all of 'em armed to the cyberteeth and chomping at the bit to give it to carbon-based lifeforms.

Take the Neogentronyx Mech NMX04-1A, for example - an "18-foot high motorised killing machine with the capability of firing nine-inch nails from its hydraulically-powered shoulders and further armed with flamethrowers", as we calmly reported back in January.

Mecha: take to your skidoosThe NMX04-1A is the work of Alaska's Carlos Owens Jr, who has spent years perfecting his sinister creation oblivious to the fact that he is in fact doing his dark masters' will and is, in reality, controlled by explosive cranial implant from the Lizard Army mothership (currently believed to be hanging around over rural Idaho waiting for an unsuspecting farm hand to drive a pick-up truck out into the sticks at night so much the better to be abducted, anally probed and then dumped back at the nearest National Enquirer office).

As we noted at the time of our original "Code Red RoTM™ Alert", Owens has been working on his "Mecha" since 2001 and has blown $20k on the project. The petrol-engine-driven cybernetic exoskeleton is controlled from within by Owens himself via 23 hydraulic cylinders offering 46 possible movements. We rightly assumed that all of them are designed to seek, locate and destroy human prey.

Forewarned, then, is forearmed. Or is it? One of the Mecha's biggest strategic drawbacks is that it is currently in Alaska. Of course, it could easily make short work of the entire population of that sun-kissed state by simply nailing everyone to door frames or melting the permafrost so that the US's northern outpost of civilisation sinks inexorably into oblivion.

But why waste years of effort and $20,000 on a few fur-clad Alaskans? Imagine the havoc the NMX04-1A could wreak if it got loose in California...

The problem is this: how to get from AK to CA without attracting the attention of the Air National Guard and NRA cadres who spend weekends hunting rogue cyborgs with plasma pulse rifles just for sport? The answer is chillingly simple: sell the NMX04-1A on eBay.

The whole thing is brilliantly conceived. A human pays $40,000+ for the NMX04-1A, plus $8,000 shipping costs. The crate duly arrives at the victim's San Francisco apartment, but no sooner has he or she signed the delivery note that the Mecha breaks free of its protective shield of bubble wrap and polystyrene chips and begins to reduce the neighbourhood to a post-apocalytic wasteland where the only sound to be heard apart from the chill whistle of the wind is the cackle of LA NRA radio transmissions as a few brave souls attempt to co-ordinate a containment of the menace before it breaks into the Gay and Lesbian district and provokes pink pandemonium.

For the record, the auction has another five days to run. No-one has yet made the minimum bid of $40k, so there is at least hope that the world may finally be waking up to the Rise of the Machines™.

The Rise of the Machines™

Vampire robonurses hunt in packs
Captain Cyborg gives forth on CNN
Cornell Uni develops apocalypse cube
Sex android begats Armageddon machine
Man executes Chrysler
Rise of the man-eating cyberloo
Sobbing Frenchman recounts Renault Laguna terror ordeal
Fire-breathing bus attacks South London
Dyson unleashes self-replicating hoover
Battling teen crushes roboarm menace
French join motorised Lizard Alliance
Lizard Army develops copulating robot
We are Zogg: The Cuddly Menace
Lizard Army invades Alaska
London menaced by flaming DVD players
Killer hoover attacks Scotsman
Car self-destructs in assassination bid
The rise of the rat-brain controlled android
Japanese unveil trumpet-playing robot
Boffins unleash robotic cockroach
Ukrainian teen fights the Rise of the Machines
Man in satanic Renault terror ordeal
Killer cyberappliances: Satan implicated
US develops motorised robobollard
Killer cyberloo kidnaps kiddie
A robot in every home by 2010
Cyberappliances attack Italian village
Fire-breathing buses threaten London
Cyberloo blast rocks Stoke-on-Trent
Spanish cyberkiosks claim second victim
Cyberkiosk assaults Spanish teenager
Hi-tech toilet caught on camera
Hi-tech toilet swallows woman

Eight steps to building an HP BladeSystem

More from The Register

next story
Malaysian Airlines flight MH17 claimed lives of HIV/AIDS cure scientists
Researchers, advocates, health workers among those on shot-down plane
Forty-five years ago: FOOTPRINTS FOUND ON MOON
NASA won't be back any time soon, sadly
Mwa-ha-ha-ha! Eccentric billionaire Musk gets his PRIVATE SPACEPORT
In the Lone Star State, perhaps appropriately enough
MARS NEEDS OCEANS to support life - and so do exoplanets
Just being in the Goldilocks zone doesn't mean there'll be anyone to eat the porridge
The Sun took a day off last week and made NO sunspots
Someone needs to get that lazy star cooking again before things get cold around here
Diary note: Pluto's close-up is a year from … now!
New Horizons is less than a year from the dwarf planet
Boffins discuss AI space program at hush-hush IARPA confab
IBM, MIT, plenty of others invited to fill Uncle Sam's spy toolchest, but where's Google?
prev story

Whitepapers

Reducing security risks from open source software
Follow a few strategies and your organization can gain the full benefits of open source and the cloud without compromising the security of your applications.
Consolidation: The Foundation for IT Business Transformation
In this whitepaper learn how effective consolidation of IT and business resources can enable multiple, meaningful business benefits.
Application security programs and practises
Follow a few strategies and your organization can gain the full benefits of open source and the cloud without compromising the security of your applications.
Boost IT visibility and business value
How building a great service catalog relieves pressure points and demonstrates the value of IT service management.
Consolidation: the foundation for IT and business transformation
In this whitepaper learn how effective consolidation of IT and business resources can enable multiple, meaningful business benefits.