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German identifies cerebral penis control centre

And it's very, very small

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Regular readers will know that we at Vulture Central pull out all the stops to keep you, our beloved audience, completely up-to-the-minute with all that is essential for the well-informed IT metropolitan. Yes indeed, from vibrating knickers to entamponed mobile phones and lesbian cows to masturbating San Franciscans, no stone is left unturned in our quest to deliver top-quality news analysis.

Oh yeah, and we also occasionally publish stuff about computers, whatever they are.

So, it with our heads hung in shame that we admit we missed a 25 June New Scientist report which declares that - after more than 80 years - boffins have finally discovered which bit of the male brain represents the penis on the "homunculus" - the "brain's map of body parts", as NS puts it.

This provoked one outraged Reg reader to ask: "Have you fallen asleep after a heavy lunch? This is exactly the sort of thing I read the Reg for, or rather it is your summary and witty headline and subhead that I read the Reg for. My partner pointed this out to me, for heaven's sake, complete with her own pithy comments."

Apparently the exact location of the brain's schlong centre has been in dispute since the 1920s. Thank God then for Christian Kell of the University of Frankfurt who stuffed eight blokes into an MRI scanner and then tickled bits of their bods with a feather while (no doubt) keeping his eyes firmly fixed on the brain activity monitor. The NS notes: "Each man's penis was represented in the same place - flanked by the areas for the toes and abdomen - Kell told the Organisation of Human Brain Mapping annual meeting in Toronto."

Kell went on to lament: "The only depressing thing is that the representation is very small." We're sure that our correspondent's partner's pithy comments were based entire on this nudge-nudge, wink-wink insinuation that the size of the average man's member is in direct relation to the pathetically small area of their brain dedicated to its control. However, it could be argued that men need most of their brain area simply to calculate how exactly to keep women happy in the sack. As the average female would undoubtedly agree, any MRI scan of a woman being tickled anywhere with a feather would show brain activity resembling a Fourth of July fireworks display. Naturally, though, said tickling would have to be in exactly the right order, at the right speed and preferably following a romantic candle-lit dinner at which lavish gifts were bestowed on the intended ticklee. We look forward to Herr Kell confirming our suspicions in due course.

In the meantime, we hereby pledge to keep a sharp lookout for Germans bearing feathers and advancing on male private parts. ®

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