Feeds

German identifies cerebral penis control centre

And it's very, very small

  • alert
  • submit to reddit

Next gen security for virtualised datacentres

Regular readers will know that we at Vulture Central pull out all the stops to keep you, our beloved audience, completely up-to-the-minute with all that is essential for the well-informed IT metropolitan. Yes indeed, from vibrating knickers to entamponed mobile phones and lesbian cows to masturbating San Franciscans, no stone is left unturned in our quest to deliver top-quality news analysis.

Oh yeah, and we also occasionally publish stuff about computers, whatever they are.

So, it with our heads hung in shame that we admit we missed a 25 June New Scientist report which declares that - after more than 80 years - boffins have finally discovered which bit of the male brain represents the penis on the "homunculus" - the "brain's map of body parts", as NS puts it.

This provoked one outraged Reg reader to ask: "Have you fallen asleep after a heavy lunch? This is exactly the sort of thing I read the Reg for, or rather it is your summary and witty headline and subhead that I read the Reg for. My partner pointed this out to me, for heaven's sake, complete with her own pithy comments."

Apparently the exact location of the brain's schlong centre has been in dispute since the 1920s. Thank God then for Christian Kell of the University of Frankfurt who stuffed eight blokes into an MRI scanner and then tickled bits of their bods with a feather while (no doubt) keeping his eyes firmly fixed on the brain activity monitor. The NS notes: "Each man's penis was represented in the same place - flanked by the areas for the toes and abdomen - Kell told the Organisation of Human Brain Mapping annual meeting in Toronto."

Kell went on to lament: "The only depressing thing is that the representation is very small." We're sure that our correspondent's partner's pithy comments were based entire on this nudge-nudge, wink-wink insinuation that the size of the average man's member is in direct relation to the pathetically small area of their brain dedicated to its control. However, it could be argued that men need most of their brain area simply to calculate how exactly to keep women happy in the sack. As the average female would undoubtedly agree, any MRI scan of a woman being tickled anywhere with a feather would show brain activity resembling a Fourth of July fireworks display. Naturally, though, said tickling would have to be in exactly the right order, at the right speed and preferably following a romantic candle-lit dinner at which lavish gifts were bestowed on the intended ticklee. We look forward to Herr Kell confirming our suspicions in due course.

In the meantime, we hereby pledge to keep a sharp lookout for Germans bearing feathers and advancing on male private parts. ®

Related stories

Man sues bigger penis pill company
Promotional penis pops up on eBay
Voda punter receives mobile manhood snap

Build a business case: developing custom apps

More from The Register

next story
Drunkards warned: If you can't walk in a straight line, don't shop online, you fool!
Put it away boys. Cover them up ladies. Your credit cards, we mean
Yes, but what are your plans if a DRAGON attacks?
Local UK gov outs most ridiculous FoI requests...
Murder accused DIDN'T ask Siri 'how to hide my roommate'
US court hears of cached browser image - not actual request
Cops baffled by riddle of CHICKEN who crossed ROAD
'Officers were unable to determine Chicken's intent'
Why your mum was WRONG about whiffy tattooed people
They're a future source of RENEWABLE ENERGY
Chomp that sausage: Brits just LOVE scoffing a Full Monty
Sales of traditional brekkie foods soar as hungry folk get their mitts greasy
Nuts to your poncey hipster coffees, I want a TESLA ELECTRO-CAFE
Examining the frothy disconnect in indie cafe culture
prev story

Whitepapers

Implementing global e-invoicing with guaranteed legal certainty
Explaining the role local tax compliance plays in successful supply chain management and e-business and how leading global brands are addressing this.
7 Elements of Radically Simple OS Migration
Avoid the typical headaches of OS migration during your next project by learning about 7 elements of radically simple OS migration.
BYOD's dark side: Data protection
An endpoint data protection solution that adds value to the user and the organization so it can protect itself from data loss as well as leverage corporate data.
Consolidation: The Foundation for IT Business Transformation
In this whitepaper learn how effective consolidation of IT and business resources can enable multiple, meaningful business benefits.
High Performance for All
While HPC is not new, it has traditionally been seen as a specialist area – is it now geared up to meet more mainstream requirements?