Feeds

SF hosts 'Masturbate-a-thon'

What a bunch of wan...

  • alert
  • submit to reddit

Top 5 reasons to deploy VMware with Tegile

Those readers who like their Reg stories with a firm IT angle would do well to look away now. On the other hand, those readers who like their stories with a something-firm-in-in-hand angle will doubtless be delighted that US capital of libertines, degenerates and homosexualists San Fran last week hosted the city's "Masturbate-a-thon" - an event designed to celebrate all that is good and wholesome in the five-knuckle shuffle.

According to a Yahoo! report (and yes, we've asked ourselves if they haven't got anything better to do down at Yahoo! - like cracking one off - instead of wasting everyone's time with these tiresome masturbation stories), the event was organised to "help raise funds for the Center for Sex and Culture, and, according to its organizer, provide an outlet for safe sex for those who enjoy pleasuring themselves in a semi-public setting".

Jesus. No wonder Middle America is as we speak loading its semi-automatic rifle and flicking through the Bible for the bit where it says: "Ye verily, the Lord did smite down those who indulged in the trouser-snake monosamba."

Even Center for Sex and Culture supremo, Carol Queen [sic], admitted that the topic of masturbation is for many "off limits", explaining: "Even people who are sexually frisky... might have the bias that many Americans do, that it's second-best sex, that it's something you do if you can't figure something else out."

Second-best sex? Tell that to a Linux programmer who's got a slice of pizza in one hand, his hideously empurpled member in the other and a Natalie Portman tribute website firmly plastered across Firefox...

Tasty. Back in SF, meanwhile, we are informed that: "One New York man arrived shortly after 5 p.m. seeking to break the endurance six-and-a-half hour record set at last year's event." Good effort - better even than guitar-strumming ecowarrior Sting and his reported seventy-three days shagging his wife without suffering an orgasm as a result of his Tantric sex black-belt status. Mind you, the SF wankers are allowed a five-minute break every hour, which is more than enough time to prevent a premature ejection from the competition by focussing on filling in tax returns and the mother-in-law*.

Interestingly, last year's female marathon winner, the deliciously-named Norine Dworkin, described the long-distance frottorama as "about as pleasurable as rubbing an elbow". Suggestion: stay at home and find something else to occupy six-and-a-half hours... Like watching Natalie Portman in The Phantom Menace. Now if you'll excuse me... <unzip> ®

Bootnote

*We don't mean filling in the mother-in-law, obviously. That would be illegal. Satisfying, yes, but illegal nonetheless.

Related stories

PFY proves self abuse cures male-pattern baldness
WWWhere there's a wonk there's a way
Richardson's ring peace causes a stir

Secure remote control for conventional and virtual desktops

More from The Register

next story
Win a year’s supply of chocolate (no tech knowledge required)
Over £200 worth of the good stuff up for grabs
Facebook's Zuckerberg in EBOLA VIRUS FIGHT: Billionaire battles bug
US Centers for Disease Control and Prevention contacted as site supremo coughs up
Space exploration is just so lame. NEW APPS are mankind's future
We feel obliged to point out the headline statement is total, utter cobblers
Red Bull does NOT give you wings, $13.5m lawsuit says so
Website letting consumers claim $10 cash back crashes after stampede
Down-under record: Australian gets $140k for pussy
'Tiffany' closes deal - 'it's more common to offer your wife', says agent
Internet finally ready to replace answering machine cassette tape
It's a simple message and I'm leaving out the whistles and bells
Swiss wildlife park serves up furry residents to visitors
'It's ecological' says spokesman, now how would you like your Bambi done?
The iPAD launch BEFORE it happened: SPECULATIVE GUFF ahead of actual event
Nerve-shattering run-up to the pre-planned known event
STONER SHEEP get the MUNCHIES after feasting on £4k worth of cannabis plants
Baaaaaa! Fanny's Farm's woolly flock is high, maaaaaan
FedEx helps deliver THOUSANDS of spam messages DIRECT to its Blighty customers
Don't worry Wilson, I'll do all the paddling. You just hang on
prev story

Whitepapers

Forging a new future with identity relationship management
Learn about ForgeRock's next generation IRM platform and how it is designed to empower CEOS's and enterprises to engage with consumers.
Why cloud backup?
Combining the latest advancements in disk-based backup with secure, integrated, cloud technologies offer organizations fast and assured recovery of their critical enterprise data.
Win a year’s supply of chocolate
There is no techie angle to this competition so we're not going to pretend there is, but everyone loves chocolate so who cares.
High Performance for All
While HPC is not new, it has traditionally been seen as a specialist area – is it now geared up to meet more mainstream requirements?
Intelligent flash storage arrays
Tegile Intelligent Storage Arrays with IntelliFlash helps IT boost storage utilization and effciency while delivering unmatched storage savings and performance.