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Cheating wife? Try GPS panties

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Internet Security Threat Report 2014

The forget-me-not pantiesThose readers who suspect that their other half may be playing away from home, or that their teenage daughter is currently getting down and dirty with some spotty ne'er-do-well are pointed in the direction of the ultimate errant female tracking device: the truly sensational forget-me-not panties.

It's fair to say that while we at Vulture Central often pour scorn on abuses of technology, we reckon that these hi-tech undergarments represent the very pinnacle of human achievement in the world of GPS. It's all pretty simple, really:

These panties will monitor the location of your daughter, wife or girlfriend 24 hours a day, and can even monitor their heart rate and body temperature. Based on pioneering research developed by the U.S. military at DARPA (Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency), we have brought this revolutionary technology, previously only available to the military, to you!

These "panties" can trace the exact location of your woman and send the information, via satellite, to your cell phone, PDA, and PC simultaneously! Use our patented mapping system, pantyMap®, to find the exact location of your loved one 24 hours a day.

The technology is embedded into a piece of fabric so seamlessly she will never know it's there!

It works, too. Here are two satisfied customers who owe their peace of mind to forget-me-not panties. Take it away David:

When my daughter hit puberty I nearly had a heart attack. She started looking like a woman and suddenly she was wearing revealing clothing and staying out late with her friends.

Rather than become an over-protective parent, I decided to try forget-me-not panties™.

They work wonderfully. My wife and I bought our Sarah several pairs so we can watch her around the clock, and if we see her temperature rising too high, we intervene by calling her cellphone or just picking her up wherever she is. My only comment is it would be great to have a video camera, maybe you can work that into V.2.

Thanks forget-me-not panties™, now we have true peace of mind.

Good show. And here's a cautionary tale from Tim:

My wife and I got married three years ago. Last winter I started suspecting her of cheating. It was tearing my heart out to think of her with another man.

In an act of desperation I bought these panties, and boy am I glad I did.

It turns out, she was sleeping with her coworker! She was going to a hotel near her office nearly every workday.

I monitored her through the mapping software, pantyMap®, for several weeks, and then I confronted her...

You know the rest. Anyone interested in acquiring some forget-me-not panties should note that they are currently out of stock but should be available within 30 days. In the meantime, we suggest that the tried-and-trusted methods of either a) checking your wife's text message inbox or b) following her 24 hours a day in a blacked-out vehicle, should plug the infidelity-busting gap until the arrival of the forget-me-not panties. ®

Bootnote

Ok, enough, time to break the glass on our emergency gif...

Yes: it's just a bit of fun

... just so you know that we knew it was all a bit of fun. Oh yes, and to the sarky reader who wrote in to pour scorn because this has already appeared on Slashdot: 1) Not everyone in the universe reads Slashdot (a shock, we know); 2) A previous appearance on Slashdot does not diminish the funniness or otherwise of a story. Thankyou and goodnight.

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