Captain Cyborg gives forth on CNN

Warwick appointed Lizard Army pundit

By Lester Haines, 17th May 2005

It was only a matter of time before surgically-enhanced superbeing Captain Cyborg – aka prof Kevin Warwick of Reading Uni – received a visit from the Lizard Army surgical team bearing an explosive cranial implant and a range of anal probes. The former, as all members of the neoLuddite Resistance Army (NRA) know, is the means by which the lizard mothership controls the international science community and the French automotive industry; the latter, just for a bit of fun at the expense of human dignity.

Oh yes, the good Captain is now futurologizing for CNN, expounding his own particular vision for a better, brighter, world. As usual, it's a mishmash of over-excited speculation in the time-honoured fashion of “a robotic butler for every home by 1963”, seamlessly fused to fantastic predictions such as: “By 2020 exciting advances in bio-interfacing will make it possible for a wider range of diseases to be treated electronically.” Blah, blah, blah... Nonetheless, in among the usual guff are a couple of pointers that Warwick really is at the service of the burgeoning Rise of the Machines™.

Firstly:

The military sector will witness some of the most dramatic changes. Fighter planes will be completely computer controlled, without any human intervention. Clearly it will be computers that think and learn fastest that will win the day. The big question, though, is whether there will still be room for human soldiers at the frontline.

This is partially true – the rat-brain-controlled stealth attack drone is pretty much a reality. However, there will in fact be plenty of room for human soldiers at the frontline, because they will be fighting the very rat-brain-controlled stealth attack drones which were originally intended to seek out and pop a cap in Osama bin Laden's terrorist ass.

And there's more:

It will be interesting to witness the phasing out of the old style printed passport. Once everyone is fitted with a Radio Frequency ID implant containing individual data it will be difficult to imagine how we managed without them.

Yes it will, especially when you're passing through the RFID reader at the Renault apocalypse cube factory on your way to another 22-hour shift with the rest of the sobbing, bedraggled remnants of humanity. Doubtless Warwick will be looking down on the shop floor from a reinforced, James-Bond-style command platform surrounded by his Praetorian Guard of killer cyberloos and attack hoovers, while stroking a cloned white Persian cat with his surgically-enhanced, electroactive-polymer-driven superhand.

Finally, firm evidence that the Lizard Alliance is aware of growing resistance to the technological menace facing planet earth:

As well as being used for therapy, the use of implant technology for enhancement will also become more acceptable. Initially there will be a backlash among those who consider the prospect of being able to "upgrade themselves" ethically inappropriate.

Yup, you can count us in for the backlash. As we speak, NRA technicians at our Montana underground facility are developing a RFID chip-frying portable battlefield EMP device, codenamed “Warwick”. It's slated for live testing in Reading, some time during the UK university autumn term. Watch this space. ®