Feeds

Captain Cyborg - that healthcare program in full

Doctor, who?

  • alert
  • submit to reddit

Internet Security Threat Report 2014

Incorrigible self-publicist Kevin Warwick has struck again, easing himself into a spot on CNN's website devoted to "visionaries". It renews a long-standing love affair between the cable channel and the Brummie lecturer.

Warwick is to cybernetic research what Hello Kitty is to animal husbandry, but thanks to a gullible media he has been able to carve out an additional career as a futurist. Several years ago Warwick had a passive radio tag implanted in his body allowing him to walk through radio-tag compatible doors, and this, he claimed, had transformed him into a cyborg. A subsequent, painful implant was connected to his nervous system.

Despite ample warnings, few interviewers have pointed out that Warwick's insatiable desire for attention, his irrational fantasies, and his propensity for self-mutiliation make him more representative of a spotty teenager than a mechanically-enhanced superhuman.

"It's difficult to describe how frustrating it is in the field seeing this man being our spokesman," Richard Reeve, at Edinburgh University's informatics division told The Guardian last year.

But Warwick sees a bright future ahead.

Parkinson's disease, multiple sclerosis "will also be much reduced" thanks to "bio-interfacing", he predicts. Senile dementia and schizophrenia could "perhaps" be tackled by wiring chips up to the nervous system.

"Multi-dimensional thought," predicts the Captain rather tentatively, "will be at the planning stage," he adds. But for now Warwick himself seems incapable of the two-dimensional variety of thought from which B follows A in a loosely logical sequence.

As for CNN's other "visionaries", Warwick is in depressingly familiar company. Toyah-lookalike Susan Greenfield warns that we're at risk from losing our human identity - which is a bit rich coming from a talking android. And keeping the spirit of Criswell alive is Aubrey de Grey, promoter of "Negligible Senescence", who predicts that in the future we could live for hundreds of years. Or in Aubrey's case - go for hundreds of years between beard trimmings, which is almost as good.

Thank goodness such gibberish hasn't affected some of the internet's most important decision makers. Or has it?

Bootnote:

For more in this vein, read about our own visit to the future here.
®

Related stories

Labour MP backs Captain Cyborg shocker
Captain Cyborg to risk all for science
Captain Cyborg terrorises UK conference
Captain Cyborg is back: official
Google founder dreams of Google implant in your brain
Captain Cyborg issues chilling TV warning
Captain Cyborg faces Canadian challenge
Captain Cyborg returns with Wi-Fi rhubarb!
Captain Cyborg is a Media Tart. True
Kid-chipper Cap Cyborg reported to police, social services
Captain Cyborg takes the pee on Radio 5 Live
Captain Cyborg gets oil-check at BBC
Captain Cyborg becomes nutritionist and mind-reader in one day
Reg telepathed by Captain Cyborg critics
Reg jealous of my success, claims Captain Cyborg
Captain Cyborg plans to build a better bionic nose
Captain Cyborg back on the BBC
Lunatic pulls gun on Captain Cyborg
Captain Cyborg spouts rubbish on CNN

Choosing a cloud hosting partner with confidence

More from The Register

next story
Facebook's Zuckerberg in EBOLA VIRUS FIGHT: Billionaire battles bug
US Centers for Disease Control and Prevention contacted as site supremo coughs up
Space exploration is just so lame. NEW APPS are mankind's future
We feel obliged to point out the headline statement is total, utter cobblers
Down-under record: Australian gets $140k for pussy
'Tiffany' closes deal - 'it's more common to offer your wife', says agent
Internet finally ready to replace answering machine cassette tape
It's a simple message and I'm leaving out the whistles and bells
FedEx helps deliver THOUSANDS of spam messages DIRECT to its Blighty customers
Don't worry Wilson, I'll do all the paddling. You just hang on
The iPAD launch BEFORE it happened: SPECULATIVE GUFF ahead of actual event
Nerve-shattering run-up to the pre-planned known event
Win a year’s supply of chocolate (no tech knowledge required)
Over £200 worth of the good stuff up for grabs
STONER SHEEP get the MUNCHIES after feasting on £4k worth of cannabis plants
Baaaaaa! Fanny's Farm's woolly flock is high, maaaaaan
Swiss wildlife park serves up furry residents to visitors
'It's ecological' says spokesman, now how would you like your Bambi done?
Red Bull does NOT give you wings, $13.5m lawsuit says so
Website letting consumers claim $10 cash back crashes after stampede
prev story

Whitepapers

Forging a new future with identity relationship management
Learn about ForgeRock's next generation IRM platform and how it is designed to empower CEOS's and enterprises to engage with consumers.
Why and how to choose the right cloud vendor
The benefits of cloud-based storage in your processes. Eliminate onsite, disk-based backup and archiving in favor of cloud-based data protection.
Three 1TB solid state scorchers up for grabs
Big SSDs can be expensive but think big and think free because you could be the lucky winner of one of three 1TB Samsung SSD 840 EVO drives that we’re giving away worth over £300 apiece.
Reg Reader Research: SaaS based Email and Office Productivity Tools
Read this Reg reader report which provides advice and guidance for SMBs towards the use of SaaS based email and Office productivity tools.
Security for virtualized datacentres
Legacy security solutions are inefficient due to the architectural differences between physical and virtual environments.