Rise of the man-eating cyberloo

Hydraulic urinal of death

Our report earlier this month on the self-replicating CyberDyson - a bagless assassin which could order its own spare parts before launching a savage attack on the nearest Scotsman - considered the possibility that said spares were dispatched from a central warehousing facility by monkey-brain-controlled, electroactive polymer-powered cyberarms.

The truth is actually even more terrifying than we first imagined. The University of Bath - known centre of Lizard Alliance activity - is reportedly developing a 3D printer which will allow the CyberDyson to replicate its own spares in the comfort of your own home. Naturally, having ordered the "self replicating rapid prototyper" to knock up a new extension hose, the homicidal hoover is fully armed to batter its defenceless owner down the stairs.

According to New Scientist, 3D printers normally build circuits by fusing together a powdered metal with a laser. The new device - dubbed "RepRap" by its inventor Adrian Bowyer - instead relies on a "low-melting point metal alloy of bismuth, lead, tin and cadmium that can be squirted from a heated syringe to form circuits".

Chillingly, Bowyer says that the machines could evolve "to be more efficient and develop new capabilities", ie, self-replication. And as soon as he has the software to guide the self-replicating process, he plans to make it "freely available online, allowing users to contribute improvements, just like the open-source Linux computer operating system".

Enough. It the prospect of a self-replicating printer supplying quality parts to murderous domestic appliances wasn't bad enough, its creator intends to allow the devices to freely swap tips online as to how they might evolve to the point where you come home one day to find your PC connected to the web and your printer indulging in an IM tip-swapping chat session with the Lizard Army mothership while simultaneously knocking out a full-scale rat-brain-driven attack aircraft composed of bismuth, lead, tin and cadmium alloy and vital components of your DVD player which has selflessly volunteered itself for reassignment to the Rise of the Machines™.

Accordingly, we advise anyone from Scotland who owns a printer and a hoover and has ever had the uncomfortable feeling that the Dyson and the HP LaserJet were becoming too pally to immediately evacuate the premises and call in the nuclear airstrike.

Unless you live in Aberdeen, in which case we advise you to take your chances indoors. The reason? Battalions of remote-controlled stealth cyberloos disguised as manhole covers but capable of rising from the pavement in seconds and devouring up to three urinating Scotsmen in one vicious attack.

That man-eating cyberloo ambush in full

We kid you not. Aberdeen City Council is considering installing two 6ft "Urilift" retractable cubicles in response to a reported lack of late-night toilet facilities. Naturally, it's not enough to knock up a traditional, brick-built Caledonian crapper. Nope, what Aberdeen needs a is hydraulically-powered cyberbog operated by "council employees" from a remote command centre.

Hitachi's Emiew - be afraidAnd if you think you can escape a man-eating cyberloo ambush by simply running - forget it. Our final RoTM™ warning this week should be enough to convince even the most hardened sceptic that we may as well surrender now and submit to our inevitable fate as drone slave army to the burgeoning technological uprising.

Hitachi has just announced the world's fastest robot yet - the 6kmph (3.7mph) Emiew - easily capable of running even the fittest Scotsman to earth before setting support companies of trumpet-playing Toyota cybersatchmos on their exhausted quarry with a relentless and unbearable rendition of "When you Wish upon a Star".

Toshihiko Horiuchi, from Hitachi's Mechanical Engineering Research Laboratory, told the BBC: "We aimed to create a robot that could live and co-exist with people. We want to make the robots useful for people ... If the robots moved slower than people, users would be frustrated."

And with that we at the neoLuddite Resistance Army are off to put our laser pulse rifles on charge, throw our hoovers in the nearest crusher, lower our printers into molten steel and dust off our running shoes. See you in the post-apocalyptic wasteland. ®

The Rise of the Machines™

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