Sobbing Frenchman recounts Renault Laguna terror ordeal

Automobile satanique

By Lester Haines, 18th March 2005

We really do wish the French would pay rather more attention to the mounting evidence that their entire car industry - notably Citroen and Renault - is now nothing more than a supplier of quality satanic automobiles to the Lizard Alliance.

In July last year we reported that a mephistopholean Renault Vel Satis attempted to do away with its terrified owner when it took him on an hour-long, 125mph kamikaze Cannonball Run. Renault at the time doubted very much the driver's version of events - that the car had refused to respond to appeals to slow down a bit - and we accordingly concluded that company CEO Louis Schweitzer was remotely controlled from the lizard mothership via explosive cranial implant.

Naturally, less well-informed readers derided our suggestion that the French are manipulated by extraterrestrial forces bent on the subjugation of humanity via technology. Further proof is clearly required. Read on:

On Wednesday, an innocent jaunt near Rouen became another page in the chronicle of the Rise of the Machines™ after a Renault Laguna spontaneously decided to subject its master - accompanied by his five-year-old son - to a forty-kilometre white-knuckle rollercoaster terror ordeal during which the panic-sticken Frenchman could neither brake, decelerate nor use the clutch.

Mr Gamada later recounted to French daily Paris-Normandie: "I always take the same route. I'd entered 87kmph on the speed regulator because there's a 90kmph limit on the road. But suddenly the car locked up. I couldn't do anything... except turn the wheel."

A shaken Gamada continued: "I was asked to do one of three things: disengage the clutch, which didn't work; press the start button five times - again, nothing; override the speed control box - still nothing."

Gamada at this point contacted his wife via mobile phone, who in turn alerted the authorities. The police put Gamada in touch with Renault assistance and - after 40 kilometres - a combination of clutch, start button and speed regulator manipulation brought the murderous Laguna to a halt.

The local press report notes that "the offending car is fitted with a mechanical speed regulator - without electronic control". It rather superbly adds: "It seems probable that the driver was not able to disengage the lever."

We await with delicious, albeit fearful, anticipation the explanation of Louis Schweitzer for this latest outrage. Of course, the report will finger Gamada as the culprit after which the sobbing victim will be paid off with a family trip to Disneyland Paris during which he and his son will - as the only eyewitnesses to the events - be terminated by a French-built cyberloo. ®

Bootnote

Thanks very much to French neoLuddite Resistance Army member Stéphane for alerting us to the Laguna's malevolent intent. Consider yourselves forewarned and forearmed.