An Italian sexologist has claimed that he can tell a woman's personality from the size and shape of her breasts, and his research has revealed some interesting and previously unknown facts about human females.

Piero Lorenzoni this week expounded his mammicular theory to German tabloid Bild. Shortly thereafter UK jub enthusiasts at the Sun got their quips out for the lads.

Likewise, we at El Reg feel duty-bound to share Lorenzoni's expertise in the matter, as follows:

• Melons: A woman with large, round breasts "likes eating and wants to be spoiled and admired, but seldom likes sex," says Lorenzi.
• Grapefruit: "This woman may look erotic, but in reality is bashful and homely. She spoils her partner but prefers tenderness over sex."
• Pears: "Loves love in all its variations. She can be very religious, but is known to have affairs."
• Pineapples: "A woman with pineapple breasts is intelligent, often has a career but is still romantic. They are also faithful. Whoever wins their heart will not lose it quickly."
• Oranges: "While she is self-confident and knows her goals, she has little interest in sex. She likes conversation and partnerships."
• Lemons: "These women are full of life and can laugh at themselves. They want a balanced life without surprises."
• Cherries: They are entertaining and intelligent. Make great partners both for everyday life and on holiday and are moderately interested in sex."

That's right - the shocking conclusion of Lorenzoni's study is that women don't like sex very much and the form and volume of their assets makes little or no difference in the matter.

Having said that, there is another possible explanation, and one favoured by our own Lucy Sherriff: that women do not want to have sex with Piero Lorenzoni and he has not realised that this may not apply to other males. Interestingly, a web search for a picture of the Italian breastologist returned absolutely no results whatsoever. There are only two conclusions to be drawn from this: that Lorenzoni is so breathtakingly handsome that women fear they may die of sexual ecstasy if they indulge in rumpy-pumpy with the Italian Stallion; or that he he so closely resembles John Merrrick that the merest glimpse of his hideous form provokes females to run screaming for the hills taking their fruit with them.

Whichever is the case, we can understand why Lorenzoni wishes to keep his appearance a closely-guarded secret. ®

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