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Lizard Army develops copulating robot

Plus, kamikaze SUV totals Houston home

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The smart choice: opportunity from uncertainty

We're obliged this week to vigilant members of the neoLuddite Resistance Army (NRA) who have monitored with alarm the news that a South Korean professor claims to have developed artificial chromosomes which will eventually lead to emotional, self-reproducing cybersexpots. Kim Jong-Hwan of the ITRC-Intelligent Robot Research Centre says that once his chromosome software is installed in a robot within the next three months, the previously cold and distant machine will acquire reasoning and emotions - among the latter the overwhelming urge to indulge in torrid robo-rumpy-pumpy.

Kim says: "Christians may not like it, but we must consider this the origin of an artificial species. Until now, most researchers in this field have focused only on the functionality of the machines, but we think in terms of the essence of the creatures."

Christians may not like it? Good Lord: surely any right-minded individual - from Buddhist to practising member of the Snake Cult of California - can see where this one is leading. Kim himself warns: "Robots will have their own personalities and emotion and - as films like I Robot warn - that could be very dangerous for humanity. If we can provide a robot with good - soft - chromosomes, they may not be such a threat."

By "soft" chromosomes we assume that Kim means the kind of DNA which compels a lust-and-cold-fusion-driven sex machine to thoughtfully provide chocolate and flowers after forcing his vile attentions on our wives and daughters. We have no doubt at all that the Lizard Army sees the impregnation of human females with cybersperm as essential to the production of a servile hybrid race condemned forever to mop out murderous cyberloos and run the occasional duster over self-aware domestic appliances.

In fact, Kim himself hints at the solution to this burgeoning threat, ie, don't download the software, completely destroy the research centre using explosives and then lower yourself into molten steel to prevent this Mephistophelean knowledge ever again menacing humanity.

One final thing: those readers who think that Kim Jong-Hwan is nothing more than a harmless crank after a bit of free press should note that it is he who established the Robot World Cup (aka "RoboCup"), the aim of which is "by 2050, [to] develop a team of fully autonomous humanoid robots that can win against the human world champion team in soccer". Yup, within fifty years, we have the prospect of massed ranks of RoboRonaldos with ball skills so advanced that not even a brigade of cloned Thierry Henris will be able to resist their inexorable march towards footballing glory. Consider yourselves duly alerted.

And speaking of Thierry Henri - he of the hilarious "Va Va Voom" Renault Clio ads - we wonder if the talented Gunners' frontman is aware that his paymasters are themselves in the service of the Lizard Army, as recently proved beyond reasonable doubt by the Vel Satis terror kidnap ordeal shocker. Mercifully, the same cannot be said of Ford, which has been fighting a heroic front-line battle against homicidal motor vehicles. The company has recalled 800,000 units due to what is reported as "a problem with the cruise control deactivation switch on several vehicle models". The end result of this "problem" is cars spontaneously combusting, even while the ignition is turned off.

Chillingly, however, Ford's contribution to the war against the Rise of the Machines™ came too late for one Houston family which saw its home reduced to smouldering rubble by a kamikaze Ford Expedition.

The attack occurred at 8.30pm on Monday night when the parked Expedition decided to torch the carport adjoining owner Maria Gauna's house. A shaken neighbour recounted: "It looked like a tree was on fire. I came out and the closer I got, I saw the truck was on fire. By the time we got to the house, the flames were at the back door of the home."

Gauna, who affirmed that she last used the car at 5.30pm, said: "We were all asleep. People started knocking on the door and screaming that the truck had caught on fire. We had to evacuate and get out of the house." She added that she had not received notification of the recall, arousing suspicion that the satanic Expedition may have intercepted her mail in anticipation of its planned contribution to the destruction of mankind. We await with spines a-tingle the expected confirmation from the US Mail that "one of our Houston postmen is missing". ®

The Rise of the Machines™

We are Zogg: The Cuddly Menace
Lizard Army invades Alaska
London menaced by flaming DVD players
Killer hoover attacks Scotsman
Car self-destructs in assassination bid
The rise of the rat-brain controlled android
Japanese unveil trumpet-playing robot
Boffins unleash robotic cockroach
Ukrainian teen fights the Rise of the Machines
Man in satanic Renault terror ordeal
Killer cyberappliances: Satan implicated
US develops motorised robobollard
Killer cyberloo kidnaps kiddie
A robot in every home by 2010
Cyberappliances attack Italian village
Fire-breathing buses threaten London
Cyberloo blast rocks Stoke-on-Trent
Spanish cyberkiosks claim second victim
Cyberkiosk assaults Spanish teenager
Hi-tech toilet caught on camera
Hi-tech toilet swallows woman

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