We are Zogg: The Cuddly Menace

Chilling Lizard Army manifesto

By Lester Haines • Get more from this author

Posted in Rise of the Machines, 9th February 2005 14:02 GMT

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We at the neoLuddite Resistance Army (NRA) today pay homage to comrade Jason Yungbluth (aka "Deep Fried") for uncovering concrete evidence that the Lizard Army has gone into the publishing business - another step in its inexorable march towards the enslavement of humanity.

Chillingly, the literature in question - which clearly outlines reptilian plans for world domination - is freely available in shopping outlets where innocent and wide-eyed kiddies gambol carefree, unaware that their battery-powered "My Little Pony" activity centre will soon kill their parents and shortly thereafter join forces with murderous cyberloos and rat-brain-controlled nanobots for the final, apocalyptic assault on mankind. Deep Fried takes up the story:

I was in a supermarket recently searching for a brown mustard-and-conditioner in one. It was while I was reading the ingredient label on a jar of Goulden's Dry Scalp Formula that I looked to the children's book rack and there spied the title "My Little Golden Book About God."

Now as anyone knows, my interest in life's headiest metaphysical mystery has led me on some strange journeys; from the highest mountain peaks of Peru to snort crystallized alpaca urine with an Incan shaman to the sewers beneath Istanbul to read 900-year old graffiti scrawled by the heretical Saint Phoqallyall. Having found no theological resolution in these rarefied encounters I have left the door open to the chance that sublime truth may be found where I least expect it.

So it was with genuine anticipation that I opened the book, curious to know what the people at Little Golden Books believed small children who stick Beeferoni up their noses could absorb about the Inscrutable One.

You cannot imagine my horror, however, when my eyes met pages filled with saccharine, pastel artwork depicting cold-eyed androids that were clearly not of our realm. In a Beautiful Mind moment of schizophrenic clarity I saw the book for what it was: not a gentle introduction to life's most profound curiosity, but a primer for the parasitic offspring of an invisible invasion!

For the safety of our race (if any still remain) I have translated this book in the hopes that a resistance may arise. Read the baby powder scented Final Solution of our enemies from beyond, otherwise known as: The Cuddly Menace

Here, for the record, is part of that translation. Read it with fear in your hearts: