Lizard Army invades Alaska
Iraq threatened, Scotland under attack
Those who still doubt our assertion that technology - in the service of the lizard people - is about to turn on humanity and enslave mankind in a post-apocalyptic nuclear winter where the relentless whine of the chill wind will be broken only by the distant screams of naked, hysterical survivors being consumed by murderous cyberloos or strafed by rat-brain controlled stealth aircraft should brace themselves for the chilling revelation that it may already be too late to stem the tide.
We are obliged to the members of the fledgling neoLuddite Resistance Army (NRA) who have, over the past two weeks, alerted Vulture Central to an apparently unrelated series of news items which, when viewed in a global context and preferably from the window of a black helicopter, indicate that the lizard army's campaign of terror is about to blossom into full-scale war.
First up is truly bone-marrow-chilling proof that Alaska has already fallen to the Rise of the Machines™. The Juneau Empire reports that a 27-year-old resident of Wasilla has taken it upon himself to construct an 18-foot high motorised killing machine with the capability of firing nine-inch nails from its hydraulically-powered shoulders and further armed with flamethrowers.
As apprentice ironworker Carlos Owens Jr puts it: "You've got to have flame-throwers!", apparently unaware that he has just blown his cover to the local press who are, incredibly, totally oblivious to the fact that they are speaking to a man who has been genetically modified during an alien abduction incident in order that he might execute his dark masters' will, viz; construct 18-foot high cyborgs with the capability to melt permafrost and nail panic-striken Alaskans to door frames.
Owens has been working on his "Mecha" since 2001 and has spent $20k on the project. The petrol-engine-driven cybernetic exoskeleton is controlled from within by Owens himself via 23 hydraulic cylinders offering 46 possible movements. We assume that all of them are designed to seek, locate and destroy human prey.
Chillingly, Owens says of his creation: "I'm 110 percent positive this will work. Failure is not an option. I have no choice but to do this. If I don't do it, I will explode." Those readers wondering exactly what will cause Owens to explode should he fail, should note that all human emissaries of the lizard army are programmed to spontaneously combust in the event of capture, thereby destroying any evidence of their restructured DNA.
But if Alaskans have reason to take to their skidoos and flee for the hills, then pity if you will Jordanian ne'er-do-well Mohammed al-Zarqawi - sworn enemy of just about everybody and on a mission to create anarchy during the forthcoming elections in Iraq. Well, Zarqawi had better take to his camel and flee for the dunes, because the US military is about to unleash its latest insurgent-busting robogrunt - Special Weapons Observation Reconnaissance Detection Systems, or Swords* to his mates.
The 1m-high remote-controlled weapons platform uses four cameras and infra-red vision to train its M249 or M240 on its victim before dispatching them to paradise with a precise burst of canned heat. It's due for imminent deployment in Iraq where, after it has made short work of Zarqawi and his Merry Men, the mechanised Sly Stallone will certainly decide that control of Iraq's vital oil supplies would better serve its robotic allies. We sincerely hope that Iran has nuclear weapons, as it recently suggested, because it's going to need 'em.
We estimate it will take a battallion of Swords around two weeks to send the US military packing from Iraq, after which the massed ranks of battery-powered Terminators will turn their attention to the Persian oilfields - vital nourishment for the marauding cohorts of petrol-driven Alaskan Mechas. Donald Rumsfeld, meanwhile, might hope that ongoing research into rat-cell controlled attack aircraft will offer some hope of stemming the metal tide. We know different. Anything controlled by rat cells is simply going to ignore orders and get straight down to taking control of the sewers and venturing forth by night to spread disease and pestilence while rifling your dustbins.
Rumsfeld, however, is not listening. Neither are lizard army operatives at the University of California who say they have developed a microscopic robot controlled by rat cells.
Professor Carlo Montemagno has reportedly "grown muscle tissue onto tiny robotic skeletons". His team "used rat heart cells to create a tiny device that moves on its own when the cells contract". Montemagno explains: "The bones that we're using are either a plastic or they're silicon based. So we make these really fine structures that mechanically have hinges that allow them to move and bend.
"And then by nano-scale manipulation of the surface chemistry, the muscle cells get the cues to say, 'Oh! I want to attach at this point and not to attach at another point'. And so the cells assemble, then they undergo a change, so that they actually form a muscle. Now you have a device that has a skeleton and muscles on it to allow it to move."
Montemagno then offers: "They're absolutely alive. I mean the cells actually grow, multiply and assemble - they form the structure themselves. So the device is alive."
Enough. Any reader wishing to break into the University of Cyberdyne, sorry, California and destroy this devil's project before the offspring of the nanobeast can travel into the past and terminate everyone at Vulture Centrals' mothers so that we are never born and hence do not have a chance to issue this warning, please contact your local NRA cadre. They can usually be found in bars, drinking heavily while planning an attack on a cantankerous cyberloo.
Finally, and most disturbingly for those of us who like our beer cold while planning an attack on a cantankerous cyberloo, there has been an outbreak of exploding fridges in the Lothians.
Nasty. Firemen attended a kamikaze fridge incident at a West Lothian health centre and, three hours later, an identical blast at Edinburgh University. The explosions were blamed on either leaking ammonia - the coolant involved in both cases - or overheating. A fire brigade spokeswoman admitted it was "highly unusual" for two fridges to detonate in one day, adding: "We do occasionally get calls to ammonia leaks from fridges, although they are not regular and don’t usually occur more than once a month. To get two incidents in one night is very strange."
Yes it is. No-one was seriously injured during the attacks, which we attribute to one of two causes: either the fridges became self-aware and decided to make an instant contribution to the Rise of the Machines™ or Edinburgh University and West Lothian health centre have been doing research into rat-brain-controlled nanobots which provoked a pre-emptive strike by the West Lothian cell of the neoLuddite Resistance Army.
Whichever is the case, the facts are clear: it is only a matter of time before a rodent-cell-driven, flamethrower-bearing cyberfridge comes knocking at your door. You have been warned. Act now. ®
*Aka TALON™, according to lizard army manufacturing tentacle Foster-Miller, Inc.
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