The rise of the rat-brain controlled android

Be afraid

By Lester Haines • Get more from this author

Posted in Rise of the Machines, 16th December 2004 13:14 GMT

Understand how application security is evolving

There are two further indications today that the inexorable Rise of the Machines™ will certainly lead to the eventual subjugation of humanity.

According to a BBC report, Honda's roving roboambassador Asimo has now acquired the ability to run - another step towards it finding "gainful employment in homes and offices", or, as we suspect, chasing screaming carbon-based lifeforms with a plasma rifle in its cold, cybernetic grasp.

Giving Asimo the ability to acheive a modest 3kmph was apparently no easy task. The boffins behind the project define running as "having both feet off the ground between strides" - something which involved ensuring that Asimo's feet could absorb the impact of landing without ending up in an ungainly sprawl on the floor.

And the point of all this? According to a Honda spokesman: "The aim is to develop a robot that can help people in their daily lives." In which case, we can heartily recommend that Honda speaks to the University of Florida, where scientists have reportedly grown a "brain-in-a-dish" capable of piloting an F-22 from just "25,000 neural cells extracted from a single rat embryo".

The scientific community has hailed this breakthrough by Thomas DeMarse, which is ostensibly intended for research into the development of drugs to cure nasties such as epilepsy.

Of course, that won't pay the bills, so the first task for the team was to find an application the military can use - in this case a rat-brain sky jockey capable of undertaking missions too hazardous for mere mortals.

For those readers curious as to how the University of Florida is precipitating the destruction of mankind, here's how you too can make your own cyborg-controlling rodent intelligence:

Take 25,000 rat embryo neurons and one glass dish
Suspend neurons in specialised liquid in said dish
Lay neurons across grid of of 60 electrodes
Wait for cells to form "live computation device", aka "brain"
Connect brain to jet simulator
Teach brain to fly
Bomb Fallujah with squadrons of rat-controlled drone attack aircraft

Alternatively, stick rat brain in jogging Japanese robot, teach it to speak English with a heavy Austrian accent and then send it into the past to kill anyone who might eventually prove a threat to its inevitable rise to global dominance. You get the idea. ®