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US must be carved like a turkey - pundits

Death of a nation

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The headlines say it all. "Man celebrates Bush win with suicide " - "Pubic hair prince set to rule Supreme Court " - "Air travelers to get peanuts and blasts with stun guns."

While W. is claiming a mandate, world+dog appears less assured that a cohesive unity of thought is sweeping the nation. Most notably, calls for secession have reached an all-time high with groups of different shapes and sizes hoping to cleave themselves off from the rest of the idiots.

The Register, for example, has received the exclusive secession blueprint of the New Democrat Outreach Program (NDOP). This plan calls for the well taken care of liberals in the Blue States to unite and let the Red States fend for themselves.

"Perhaps, when you see how dreary your lives have become without us, you will finally develop the spine to fight for your basic, human rights," NDOP writes. "And then we will gladly confront the plutocracy alongside you. We need your help to defeat the Blue Republicans, who, I assure you, are just as decadent as we are, though often richer."

"But until you finally learn to respect yourselves, we can't respect you, and we therefore can't be bothered to give a rat's ass about you."

Another popular secession proposal making the rounds comes from a group hoping to divide the upper two-thirds of North America into the United States of Canada and Jesusland. This plan, much like the first, makes use of the fissure forged between the rich, coastal elites and happily downtrodden folks in middle America. A map depicting the new North America can be seen here.

Neither of these plans, however, takes Mexico into consideration, and that's where Charles Truxillo, a professor of Chicano studies at the University of New Mexico, steps in.

Truxillo is calling for the creation of the Republica del Norte - a new nation that would consist of California, Arizona, New Mexico, Texas and southern Colorado, along with parts of northern Mexico. This state could have Los Angeles as its capital.

"It's not unfeasible as a premise -- and a realistic possibility when you consider global geopolitical trends," Truxillo said, according to the Albuquerque Tribune. "It could happen with the support of the U.S. government."

Remember the Alamo and all that, right.

One idea making its way around Vulture Central calls for a new Taiwanese state in the US. Wouldn't it be something to see Chinese immigrants takeover, say, Maine and then pledge their allegiance to Taiwan. Cheap electronics. Fast delivery times. Bulk loads of high-quality porn. Now we're talking. ®

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