Feeds

Canada offers refuge to distraught Democrats

Gay, pot-loving, gun-free singles take the oath

  • alert
  • submit to reddit

Combat fraud and increase customer satisfaction

Those US citizens who are as we speak packing their bags in a state of near panic following the re-election of George W Bush in the certain knowledge that waves of gun-toting, bible-waving, gay-bashing rednecks will shortly be coming to pop a cap in their pinko, Kerry-loving liberal asses should know that help is at hand - in the form of Canada.

Yup, single Canadians are signing up in their tens to Marry an American, (motto: "No good American will be left behind"), an initiative designed to give marital sanctuary to Democrats for whom the US of A has become just too, well, Republican.

The site explains it thus:

Now that George W. Bush has been officially elected, single, sexy, American liberals - already a threatened species - will be desperate to escape.

These lonely, afraid (did we mention really hot?) progressives will need a safe haven.

You can help. Open your heart, and your home. Marry an American.

But what, you may ask, can Canada offer Americans that they can't already get at home in spades? Well, there are a couple of things:

Americans, sick of the political climate of their homeland, have long sought refuge within Canadian borders. And let's face it, when compared to the United States, Canada is a liberal utopia & we have universal healthcare (in two languages!), gay marriage, free marijuana for everyone, and we don't like guns.

Already, our American counterparts are fleeing the U.S. in droves and buying up land along our borders. We envision a movement where everyone wins: Freedom of expression and a politically convenient marriage with love and igloos for all.

Canadian singles, tired of the dating scene, are willing to act for love or just plain pity. Let's drop our borders/inhibitions/commitment issues, set a date, pick out our china patterns and wed a sexy American liberal.

So far so good. And what might the red-blooded American ex-pat expect from the Canadian gene pool? Hmmmm. What about "I*heart*trees1985", who describes herself as a "full-time liberal arts major / part-time tree hugger" who is into "Mountain Equipment Co-op, vegan potlucks, mother earth (gaia), feminist collectives, dreadlocks", and offers "I do a wicked Joni Mitchell impersonation and don’t shave my legs" as reasons to get to know her better.

Yes, we can see steam coming out of Dick Cheney's ears already. But if you think this is just a bit of fun by the Canadians at the expense of their politically disadvantaged neighbours, then check out the chilling facts on canada.com which says that on the day Bush gave his acceptance speech, 115,016 sobbing US citizens visited Canada's immigration website - 64 per cent of the traffic for that fateful date.

The big question for the Democratic Party seems to be not who will be its next presidential candidate, but who will be left to vote for her - because by the time Hillary Clinton even gets a sniff of the ballot box, 98 per cent of her voter base will be on skidoos en route to their three-year-old* kid's first seal-clubbing adventure weekend. ®

*Estimated age at next US presidential election based on departure for Canada immediately after reading this article, short courtship followed by marriage, conception and normal nine-month term.

Related stories

Captain Cyborg faces Canadian challenge
Canadian Uni to run virus writing course
Canadian PM takes a clubbing
Martians invade Canada

Top three mobile application threats

More from The Register

next story
Och aye! It's the Loch Ness Monster – but only Apple fanbois can see it
Fondleslab-friendly beastie's wake spotted... OR WAS IT?
Spanish village called 'Kill the Jews' mulls rebranding exercise
Not exactly attractive to the Israeli tourist demographic
Sleuths find nosy NORKS drones on the Chinternet
UAVs likely to have been made in the Middle Kingdom
Oz bank in comedy Heartbleed blog FAIL
Bank: 'We are now safely patched.' Customers: 'You were using OpenSSL?'
Dorian Nakamoto gets $23,000 payout over Bitcoin invention saga
Maintains he didn't create cryptocurrency, but will join community
Japanese boffin EYES up big bucks with strap-on digi-glasses
AgencyGlass saddles user with creepy OLED display
Forget the beach 'n' boardwalk, check out the Santa Cruz STEVE JOBS FOUNTAIN
Reg reader snaps shot of touching tribute to Apple icon
Happy 40th Playmobil: Reg looks back at small, rude world of our favourite tiny toys
Little men straddle LOHAN, attend tiny G20 Summit... ah, sweet memories...
prev story

Whitepapers

Mobile application security study
Download this report to see the alarming realities regarding the sheer number of applications vulnerable to attack, as well as the most common and easily addressable vulnerability errors.
3 Big data security analytics techniques
Applying these Big Data security analytics techniques can help you make your business safer by detecting attacks early, before significant damage is done.
The benefits of software based PBX
Why you should break free from your proprietary PBX and how to leverage your existing server hardware.
Securing web applications made simple and scalable
In this whitepaper learn how automated security testing can provide a simple and scalable way to protect your web applications.
Combat fraud and increase customer satisfaction
Based on their experience using HP ArcSight Enterprise Security Manager for IT security operations, Finansbank moved to HP ArcSight ESM for fraud management.