Feeds

Canada offers refuge to distraught Democrats

Gay, pot-loving, gun-free singles take the oath

  • alert
  • submit to reddit

Boost IT visibility and business value

Those US citizens who are as we speak packing their bags in a state of near panic following the re-election of George W Bush in the certain knowledge that waves of gun-toting, bible-waving, gay-bashing rednecks will shortly be coming to pop a cap in their pinko, Kerry-loving liberal asses should know that help is at hand - in the form of Canada.

Yup, single Canadians are signing up in their tens to Marry an American, (motto: "No good American will be left behind"), an initiative designed to give marital sanctuary to Democrats for whom the US of A has become just too, well, Republican.

The site explains it thus:

Now that George W. Bush has been officially elected, single, sexy, American liberals - already a threatened species - will be desperate to escape.

These lonely, afraid (did we mention really hot?) progressives will need a safe haven.

You can help. Open your heart, and your home. Marry an American.

But what, you may ask, can Canada offer Americans that they can't already get at home in spades? Well, there are a couple of things:

Americans, sick of the political climate of their homeland, have long sought refuge within Canadian borders. And let's face it, when compared to the United States, Canada is a liberal utopia & we have universal healthcare (in two languages!), gay marriage, free marijuana for everyone, and we don't like guns.

Already, our American counterparts are fleeing the U.S. in droves and buying up land along our borders. We envision a movement where everyone wins: Freedom of expression and a politically convenient marriage with love and igloos for all.

Canadian singles, tired of the dating scene, are willing to act for love or just plain pity. Let's drop our borders/inhibitions/commitment issues, set a date, pick out our china patterns and wed a sexy American liberal.

So far so good. And what might the red-blooded American ex-pat expect from the Canadian gene pool? Hmmmm. What about "I*heart*trees1985", who describes herself as a "full-time liberal arts major / part-time tree hugger" who is into "Mountain Equipment Co-op, vegan potlucks, mother earth (gaia), feminist collectives, dreadlocks", and offers "I do a wicked Joni Mitchell impersonation and don’t shave my legs" as reasons to get to know her better.

Yes, we can see steam coming out of Dick Cheney's ears already. But if you think this is just a bit of fun by the Canadians at the expense of their politically disadvantaged neighbours, then check out the chilling facts on canada.com which says that on the day Bush gave his acceptance speech, 115,016 sobbing US citizens visited Canada's immigration website - 64 per cent of the traffic for that fateful date.

The big question for the Democratic Party seems to be not who will be its next presidential candidate, but who will be left to vote for her - because by the time Hillary Clinton even gets a sniff of the ballot box, 98 per cent of her voter base will be on skidoos en route to their three-year-old* kid's first seal-clubbing adventure weekend. ®

*Estimated age at next US presidential election based on departure for Canada immediately after reading this article, short courtship followed by marriage, conception and normal nine-month term.

Related stories

Captain Cyborg faces Canadian challenge
Canadian Uni to run virus writing course
Canadian PM takes a clubbing
Martians invade Canada

Boost IT visibility and business value

More from The Register

next story
MEN WANTED to satisfy town full of yearning BRAZILIAN HOTNESS
'Prettier, better organised, more harmonious than if men were in charge'
Cops baffled by riddle of CHICKEN who crossed ROAD
'Officers were unable to determine Chicken's intent'
Yes, but what are your plans if a DRAGON attacks?
Local UK gov outs most ridiculous FoI requests...
Drunkards warned: If you can't walk in a straight line, don't shop online, you fool!
Put it away boys. Cover them up ladies. Your credit cards, we mean
Why your mum was WRONG about whiffy tattooed people
They're a future source of RENEWABLE ENERGY
Murder accused DIDN'T ask Siri 'how to hide my roommate'
US court hears of cached browser image - not actual request
Chomp that sausage: Brits just LOVE scoffing a Full Monty
Sales of traditional brekkie foods soar as hungry folk get their mitts greasy
prev story

Whitepapers

Best practices for enterprise data
Discussing how technology providers have innovated in order to solve new challenges, creating a new framework for enterprise data.
Implementing global e-invoicing with guaranteed legal certainty
Explaining the role local tax compliance plays in successful supply chain management and e-business and how leading global brands are addressing this.
Advanced data protection for your virtualized environments
Find a natural fit for optimizing protection for the often resource-constrained data protection process found in virtual environments.
How modern custom applications can spur business growth
Learn how to create, deploy and manage custom applications without consuming or expanding the need for scarce, expensive IT resources.
High Performance for All
While HPC is not new, it has traditionally been seen as a specialist area – is it now geared up to meet more mainstream requirements?