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Man in satanic Renault terror ordeal

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A traumatised Frenchman is shaken but otherwise unharmed after his Renault Vel Satis kidnapped him on the A71 motorway in central France and subjected him to an hour-long 125mph terror ordeal.

Hicham Dequiedt, 29, was overtaking a lorry on said highway when the car's automatic speed regulator stuck, AFP reports. Travelling at break-neck speeds and unable to stop the vehicle, Dequiedt alerted the authorities by phone. They quickly broadcast radio alerts and activated electronic warning signs. The police also raised the barriers at the Riom tollgate in anticipation of the satanic Vel Satis making a break for freedom.

Mercifully, Dequiedt managed to disable the vehicle by pulling out the Renault's magnetic card ignition key. He finally ground to a halt 12 miles from Riom. A police officer noted: "The driver was really afraid - especially at one point when he had to overtake at 200 kilometres per hour on the emergency lane."

Renault officials immediately impounded the car and whisked it off to the company's technical centre near Paris. CEO Louis Schweitzer confirmed an investigation had been launched, but expresed scepticism that the car's on-board computer had provoked the kamikaze Cannonball Run: "Every time there is an incident like this, we have to look into it on the principle of basic precaution," he confirmed. "But the way this has been described to me, I find it very surprising and most unlikely."

Schweitzer's unwillingness to face facts will send a chill down the spine of all those who have been monitoring the Rise of the Machines™. It all began innocently enough - with a cyberloo capturing a hapless shopper in Newcastle-upon-Tyne. Reports soon began to trickle in that homicidal phoneboxes had turned on the citizens of Madrid, while London commuters ran screaming from incendiary omnibuses.

Then, in February 2004, came the shocking news that a full-scale technological uprising was underway in Sicily's Canneto di Caronia, with killer cyberappliances forcing a full-scale evacuation of the hamlet.

In the circumstances, Renault's state of denial regarding the mephistopholean Vel Statis offers just two explanations: that the company is oblivious to the ongoing war of annihilation between machine and mankind; or that it is itself an emissary of the extra-terrestrial lizard army which - despite the ominous warnings of David Icke - continues to strive for the ultimate subjugation of humanity through technology. ®

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