Boffin hits it big with breast-enlarging ringtone

Dial M for mammaries

By Lester Haines, 24th September 2004

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Long-term readers will certainly recall the heartwarming tale of mammarily-challenged student Michel, the US lass who launched an online appeal to raise cash for surgery to transform her "itty-bitty boobies to big tatas!"

Well, she needn't have bothered, because a Japanese man has developed a breast-augmenting ringtone which has had oriental A-cups downloading like crazed breastless women in the hope of aurally-driven überjubblies.

Hideto Tomabechi - who apparently cut his scientific spurs deprogramming members of the AUM Shinrikyo doomsday cult - claims that his deliciously-titled "Rockmelon" ditty uses "sounds that make the brain and body move unconsciously". Tomabechio calls the subliminal mambooster a kind of "positive brainwashing" and further reckons that it's "a part of cognitive science".

Rather improbably, or should that be lamentably, Rockmelon enjoyed 10,000 downloads in its first week alone. One satisfied user said: "I listened to the tune for a week expecting all the time that I was being duped. But, incredibly, my 87-centimeter bust grew to 89 centimeters! It was awesome!" A spokesman for Media Chic - which punts the melody online - confirmed: "We haven't done any advertising for it, so I suppose the tune's success has come about through word of mouth. We've even received mail from one user who said they listened to the tune every night before going to sleep and it made her tits bigger."

That's proof enough for us. Tomabechi says he's planning further ringtones to help people quit smoking, combat baldness and attract a mate. Whether the latter category will include a suitably stirring penis-pumping anthem is not noted. ®