Feeds

Home Office offers online help for thugs

Sorry, 'anti-social behaviour practitioners'

  • alert
  • submit to reddit

Secure remote control for conventional and virtual desktops

Those suffering the blight of teen ne'er-do-wells racing stolen cars around their housing estate while high on glue and rap music will doubtless welcome the UK Home Office's Together initiative.

Here's what it's all about:

At its very core TOGETHER puts the community first. TOGETHER is committed to listening to those voices in the community who have suffered from ASB [anti-social behaviour], to understanding their issues, to addressing their problems.

The site classifies anti-social behaviour as:

A variety of behaviour covering a whole complex of selfish and unacceptable activity that can blight the quality of community life. Other terms such as 'nuisance', 'neighbour disputes' and 'disorder' are also used to describe some of this behaviour. A legal definition of behaving in an anti-social manner is found in the Crime and Disorder Act 1998, this definition is used in relation to anti-social behaviour orders and further information on this can be found in the article below. Many agencies tackling anti-social behaviour have adopted this definition for more general purposes.

In short, it includes nicking motors, setting fire to your neighbours' bins, hurling racist abuse at ethnic minorities and all the other fun pastimes which make up the average day of the British thug.

Except they're not thugs. Nor are they "hooligans" or "yobs" or any other form of derogatory title. Nope, according to the Home Office, those who terrorise large swathes of inner-city Britain will henceforth be known as "anti-social behaviour practitioners". We can just imagine the scene:

Police officer: "Oi, get out of your neighbour's car and stop smoking that dope, you little sh*t."
Teen tearaway: "I ain't no little sh*t copper, cos the 'ome office says so. I'm an anti-social behaviour practitioner and me solicitor will have yer a*** for this slanderous outrage."
Police officer: "I do most sincerely apologise. Would you desist from your anti-social practices forthwith and accompany me to the nearest police station where counselling will be made immediately available?"
Teen tearaway: "Yeah, OK, as long as I get to drive."

We have been here before. Regular readers may remember the kerfuffle over the redesignation of speed cameras as "safety" cameras. That particular piece of Newspeak caused a few correspondents' heads to boil like kettles, so we reckon this ridiculous piece of linguistic flim-flammery will likewise hit the spot.

Bootnote

The usual heads-up to reader Alexander Livingstone, who spotted this nice example of 21st century lexicographical legerdemain.

Confession time

Ok - time to 'fess up: the phrase "anti-social behaviour practitioners" actually refers to those professionals dealing with anti-social behaviour, as the Home Office website makes clear. Just compare it to "medical practitioners" and it all makes sense. No wait, hold on a minute...

Related stories

When is a speed camera not a speed camera?
Gov.uk launches anti-fraud website
Home Office caned over immigration visa blunders
Iris scans at UK airports, says Home Office

Secure remote control for conventional and virtual desktops

More from The Register

next story
Apple's Mr Havisham: Tim Cook says dead Steve Jobs' office has remained untouched
'I literally think about him every day' says biz baron's old friend
Flaming drone batteries ground commercial flight before takeoff
Passenger had Something To Declare, instead fiddled while plane burned
Cops apologise for leaving EXPLOSIVES in suitcase at airport
'Canine training exercise' SNAFU sees woman take home booming baggage
Every billionaire needs a PANZER TANK, right? STOP THERE, Paul Allen
Angry Microsoftie hauls auctioneers to court over stalled Pzkw. IV 'deal'
Jony Ive: Apple iWatch will SCREW UP Switzerland's economy
Apple's chief designer forgot one crucial point about overpriced bling
prev story

Whitepapers

Providing a secure and efficient Helpdesk
A single remote control platform for user support is be key to providing an efficient helpdesk. Retain full control over the way in which screen and keystroke data is transmitted.
Top 5 reasons to deploy VMware with Tegile
Data demand and the rise of virtualization is challenging IT teams to deliver storage performance, scalability and capacity that can keep up, while maximizing efficiency.
Reg Reader Research: SaaS based Email and Office Productivity Tools
Read this Reg reader report which provides advice and guidance for SMBs towards the use of SaaS based email and Office productivity tools.
Security for virtualized datacentres
Legacy security solutions are inefficient due to the architectural differences between physical and virtual environments.
Secure remote control for conventional and virtual desktops
Balancing user privacy and privileged access, in accordance with compliance frameworks and legislation. Evaluating any potential remote control choice.