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Data transfer without tears
Or cheese. Of any description
Stob Ms Stob claims that old comedy sketches, written in the pre-PC era, need to be ported to a safe, modern and familiar environment in order properly to be enjoyed by safe, modern and familiar IT staff. She offers this classic example…
— | Thanks for that, Peter. Excellent. An excellent meeting. I look forward to pushing forward with Coaster II. I think it could be really big for all of us. |
— | Well, if we act now, before the opposition gets a sniff, I don't see how we can go wrong. |
— | Indeed. It's as sure-fire as you could hope for these days, what with things the way they are. Just one thing. Do you think I could have a copy of that spreadsheet that you were making notes in? |
— | Of course. How would you like it? |
— | Tell you what. Let's get Wifi! |
— | 'Whiffy'? |
— | Wifi. Eight-oh-two-eleven-be. Wireless networking, old boy. Will you admit to a hot spot of your own? Or must I war drive you, you secretive devil? |
— | Best not, actually. They've put out a pan-European policy banning its use in all offices. Something about the FD in Paris getting caught transmitting pictures of les jeunes filles... |
— | Really? Never mind. Time to unship my trusty length of UTP string. Always got my network jump lead handy. I'll just plug in my laptop over there... |
— | Whoa there, chief. Not on, Richard old son, unless we get authority from so-called IT to get you put on the domain. Outsourced to You Know Who. Couldn't find their own backsides with all eight tentacles. |
— | Surely it doesn't matter just for one spreadsheet. Couldn't you just share your directory and... |
— | Well, in theory I could, but if I did I'd have to kill you, ha ha ha. |
— | Ha, ha, ha. All right then. I'll wait until I get back to the shop. If you could just email the file to me? |
— | Oooh, not such a good idea right now. Ever since that Bank Holiday virus, what was it called, Droopy? Snoopy? They've been stripping off attachments from all incoming and outgoing mail. |
— | Bummer. How about a good old diskette? Can't go wrong with a floppy. |
— | No can do, Squire. Not had any floppy drives on our machines since 1995. |
— | This is getting to be a bit of a trial. PC-to-PC direct using PC Anywhere and a cable connecting the printer ports? |
— | No. |
— | Jaz drive? |
— | No. |
— | Telnet to host with a Kermit download? |
— | No. |
— | Infrared? |
— | Yes! |
— | Excellent. Where's your IR port? We'll need to get lined up. On the back of the PC I suppose... |
— | Oh no, it's not on my PC. It's on my cell phone. |
— | On your phone? |
— | Yes. |
— | Then how are you going to transmit the spreadsheet from the PC? |
— | Well I'm not, obviously. But I thought you might want a copy of my Kelis polyphonic ringtone collection. |
— | Corporate FTP server? |
— | No. |
— | Kazaa peer-to-peer file sharing? |
— | What, with our firewall? |
— | Zip drive? |
— | No. |
— | Could you burn me a CD-ROM? |
— | Of course. Hold on. [Picks up phone.] Hi John? Yeah. When is the next slot for the burner? Ok, great. Thanks. [Replaces receiver.] Good news - I've booked us in on the PC with the CD-ROM burning drive in six weeks' time. |
— | Six weeks? |
— | Got lucky. John's a mate. Usually it's two months. |
— | Optical 'Mo' drive? |
— | No. |
— | DAT tape drive? |
— | No. |
— | TFTP protocol? |
— | No. |
— | Shared public IMAP mail protocol folder? |
— | No. |
— | Bluetooth? |
— | Actually, we do have support for that. |
— | That would be on your phone, I suppose. |
— | No, no. It's on a sort of dongle thing that you stick into the PC's USB port. It's dead handy for transferring little files to laptops. |
— | Why - that's exactly what we want to do! |
— | Yes. |
— | And I suppose there is a six-week waiting time to use the gizmo, is there? |
— | No, no. I have it here. Look, I can plug it in if you like. |
— | So what's the catch? |
— | There's no catch - except... |
— | ...except? |
— | Except we'll need to go through that very straightforward and well understood Bluetooth device pairing procedure before you can transfer anything. I'm assured it's very easy. |
— | Colorado tape drive? |
— | No. |
— | RS232-C connection using null modem cable and the excellent HyperTerminal program supplied free with all versions of Windows since Windows '95? |
— | No. |
— | Double memory synchronisation using a palmtop device as an intermediate store? |
— | No. |
— | Removable caddy-type hard drive? |
— | No. |
— | Stunningly expensive ISDN link as popularised by print shops using Macs? |
— | No. |
— | Unencoded and printed out as a very long Code 39 barcode? |
— | No. |
— | Bernoulli (properly pronounced 'Bernooey') drive? |
— | No. |
— | Obsolete eight-inch floppy disk drive, as popularised by the enjoyable but unlikely 1983 flick WarGames? |
— | No. |
— | Tell you what; do you have one of those memory sticks? You know, the ones that go into USB ports. |
— | I know a song about that. |
— | You what? |
— | [Sings:]
From the laptops of Japan To the servers of Kazakhstan; On every node of every LAN, On every disk the backup ran: Hit me with your memory stick. Hit me! Hit me! Hit me with your memory stick. Hit me! Hit me! Hit me! |
— | So you haven't got one of those memory sticks? |
— | No. |
[Pause] | |
— | Richard? |
— | Yes, Peter? |
— | During the meeting... I wasn't making notes in a spreadsheet at all. I was just pretending to. |
— | Yes, Peter. |
— | I was actually playing Solitaire. |
— | Yes, Peter, I'd guessed that. |
— | I'm afraid I've been a bit of a silly Billy, haven't I? |
— | Yes, Peter, I'm afraid you have. |
— | Is it all right? |
— | Yes. It's quite all right, old chap. |
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