Feeds

Internet news guru Matt Drudge uncovers dating scandal

Reg finds Drudge and Hitchens under covers

  • alert
  • submit to reddit

Top 5 reasons to deploy VMware with Tegile

April Fool **Exclusive**

Matt Drudge later today will report that a man and woman dated, sources tell The Register.

An intern on the fringe of the John Kerry campaign once dated Kerry's Finance Director Peter Maroney. When pushed by The Register, top sources within the Kerry machine confirmed the shocking news that the two staff members enjoyed dinners and possibly even drinks over the course of two months. This bizarre hetrosexual courting ritual could destroy Senator Kerry's bid for the White House, according to Kerry's rivals.

Rumors about the controversial dating first reported by the Drudge Report ignited a behind-the-scenes campaign drama in which reporters tried to uncover what the couple liked to eat for dinner. The intern - Alex Polier - is said to have a flirtatious manner when eating steak and cabbage.

At present, it's unclear whether other members of Kerry's staff date, but, if they do, you'll read about it first in this space.

Attorney General John Ashcroft provided the official White House comment on the alleged dating.

"When I lost an election to a dead man, I thought that was the most shocking thing that could happen," he said. "But this kind of flippant courting verges on the absurd. The American public can rest assured that every liberty will be taken to find out how many immoral daters are hiding within the Democratic party.

"With family values already in such a fragile state, we must put an end to out-of-wedlock dating as soon as possible."

In other news, the Drudge Report will report that Newsweek will report that BusinessWeek will report that Microsoft owns a monopoly share of the desktop operating system market, that Intel's Itanium processor is struggling, that Richard Stallman is a bit wonky and that the Earth travels around the Sun. It's unclear how these revelations will affect the Kerry campaign.

Closer to home, investigative journalist Greg Palast told The Register that he has received confidential documents detailing a zesty romance between Matt Drudge and Vanity Fair columnist Christopher Hitchens. The Palast papers warn that the Druge Report could crumble if word of the relationship "gets out."

Three people who have seen the documents confirmed the phrase "gets out." They also scratched themselves.

Drudge fell for Hitchens after attending a stunning series of lectures on Thomas Jefferson given by the Brit. Their love of "Clintonian proportions" heated up after Drudge received a tattoo of Henry Kissinger "making sweet love" to Mother Teresa across his rump. The mural tat is said to cover a three-day romp between the oldies and really "gets Hitchens' blood boiling."

"Big time."

Developing . . .®

April Fool

Choosing a cloud hosting partner with confidence

More from The Register

next story
Holy vintage vehicles! Earliest known official Batmobile goes on sale
Riddle me this: are you prepared to pay US$180k?
Bible THUMP: Good Book beats Darwin to most influential tome title
Folio Society crowns fittest of surviving volumes
'Open source just means big companies can steal your code.' O RLY?
Plus: Flame of the Week returns, for one night only!
U wot? Silicon Roundabout set to become Silicon U-BEND
Crap-spouting London upstarts to get permanent road closure
Hey, you, PHONE-FACE! Kickstarter in-car mobe mount will EMBED your phone into your MUG
Stick it on the steering wheel and wait for the airbag to fire
NEWSFLASH: It's time to ditch dullard Facebook chums
Everything hot in tech, courtesy of avian anchor Regina Eggbert
'It is comforting to know where your data centres are.' UK.GOV does NOT
Plus: Anons are 'wannabes', KKK says, before being pwned
Criticism of Uber's journo-Data Analytics plan is an Attack on DIGITAL FREEDOM
First they came for Emil – and I'm damn well SPEAKING OUT
prev story

Whitepapers

Choosing cloud Backup services
Demystify how you can address your data protection needs in your small- to medium-sized business and select the best online backup service to meet your needs.
Forging a new future with identity relationship management
Learn about ForgeRock's next generation IRM platform and how it is designed to empower CEOS's and enterprises to engage with consumers.
Reg Reader Research: SaaS based Email and Office Productivity Tools
Read this Reg reader report which provides advice and guidance for SMBs towards the use of SaaS based email and Office productivity tools.
Managing SSL certificates with ease
The lack of operational efficiencies and compliance pitfalls associated with poor SSL certificate management, and how the right SSL certificate management tool can help.
Intelligent flash storage arrays
Tegile Intelligent Storage Arrays with IntelliFlash helps IT boost storage utilization and effciency while delivering unmatched storage savings and performance.