Internet news guru Matt Drudge uncovers dating scandal
Reg finds Drudge and Hitchens under covers
April Fool **Exclusive**
Matt Drudge later today will report that a man and woman dated, sources tell The Register.
An intern on the fringe of the John Kerry campaign once dated Kerry's Finance Director Peter Maroney. When pushed by The Register, top sources within the Kerry machine confirmed the shocking news that the two staff members enjoyed dinners and possibly even drinks over the course of two months. This bizarre hetrosexual courting ritual could destroy Senator Kerry's bid for the White House, according to Kerry's rivals.
Rumors about the controversial dating first reported by the Drudge Report ignited a behind-the-scenes campaign drama in which reporters tried to uncover what the couple liked to eat for dinner. The intern - Alex Polier - is said to have a flirtatious manner when eating steak and cabbage.
At present, it's unclear whether other members of Kerry's staff date, but, if they do, you'll read about it first in this space.
Attorney General John Ashcroft provided the official White House comment on the alleged dating.
"When I lost an election to a dead man, I thought that was the most shocking thing that could happen," he said. "But this kind of flippant courting verges on the absurd. The American public can rest assured that every liberty will be taken to find out how many immoral daters are hiding within the Democratic party.
"With family values already in such a fragile state, we must put an end to out-of-wedlock dating as soon as possible."
In other news, the Drudge Report will report that Newsweek will report that BusinessWeek will report that Microsoft owns a monopoly share of the desktop operating system market, that Intel's Itanium processor is struggling, that Richard Stallman is a bit wonky and that the Earth travels around the Sun. It's unclear how these revelations will affect the Kerry campaign.
Closer to home, investigative journalist Greg Palast told The Register that he has received confidential documents detailing a zesty romance between Matt Drudge and Vanity Fair columnist Christopher Hitchens. The Palast papers warn that the Druge Report could crumble if word of the relationship "gets out."
Three people who have seen the documents confirmed the phrase "gets out." They also scratched themselves.
Drudge fell for Hitchens after attending a stunning series of lectures on Thomas Jefferson given by the Brit. Their love of "Clintonian proportions" heated up after Drudge received a tattoo of Henry Kissinger "making sweet love" to Mother Teresa across his rump. The mural tat is said to cover a three-day romp between the oldies and really "gets Hitchens' blood boiling."
Developing . . .®