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Welcome to the PowerDesk cyberkitchen

Integrated chic or threat to mankind?

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Internet Security Threat Report 2014

Updated Our warnings about the inexorable rise of intelligent furniture appear to have gone unheeded.

No sooner did the inhabitants of Canneto di Caronia in Italy run screaming from their homes after the spontaneous combustion of domestic appliances, than PowerDesk and DuPont decided it would be a good idea to unleash a cyberkitchen on an unsuspecting world.

A sneak preview of the Powerdesk cyberkitchen

So prepare yourselves for the Iceberg, described as a "world-first in intelligent furniture".

This "ultimate in integrated chic" is actually a computer built into a worktop. Mind you, it's not just any old worktop - aficionados of quality synthetic materials will doubtless swoon when we reveal that it is fashioned from DuPont Corian®. Tasty.

The ensemble offers all your usual bits and pieces: a Compaq or Elonex PC with:

  • Intel P4 2.8Ghz

  • 512mbRam

  • 80Gb harddrive

  • TV, Network card

  • Modem, Cordless keyboard, optical mouse

  • Powerful internal sound system

  • 17” flat screen TFT monitor

  • Windows XP PRO

  • 1-Year on-site warranty

So it should, too, since it will set you back a cool £2,937 and upwards. Mind you, that's not really a lot for the ability to watch Delia Smith on the DVD instructing you on the correct procedure for boiling an egg while granny emails you her shortcrust pastry recipe.

But one fundamental question remains: just how much of a threat to humanity does the cyberkitchen pose? Is it just a matter of time before the PC forms an alliance with the Bluetooth-enabled fridge and denies you access to your beer "on health grounds"? Or worse, if that's possible.

We asked PowerDesk's PR representatives to give us assurances that installation of such cutting-edge catering hardware did not represent just another step on the road to the subjugation of mankind. They suggested we contact the manufacturers. Chillingly, at the time of publication, PowerDesk has not responded. ®

Update

We can all sleep sounder in our beds tonight after receiving this assurance from PowerDesk:

We believe we have the only PC with built in ASS (Anti-Subjugation System)

With the threat of PCs in general attacking people, bursting into flames, or taking your wife or husband out on a binge without your approval, we build in a self-destruct mechanism, which monitors the pulse of the desk, so moments before it goes incandescent, or turns into an axe wielding madman, all the components turn to orange-flavoured jelly, suitable for a child's party. It must be said that this has never happened though.

To date there has been no instance of a Powerdesk attacking anybody.

Indeed, Powerdesk has just become the very first computer to be stocked and sold by Marks & Spencer!



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