Feeds

Stob: McDosh hires Titbits

Softwron primes its legal seagull

  • alert
  • submit to reddit

Providing a secure and efficient Helpdesk

Stob Stob Dateline: Two hours 37 minutes ago. US software and litigation giant Softwron Inc, has upped the stakes in the battle of its patented 'Wron number, recently stolen and released onto the 'Net.

Before a packed press conference of cynical reporters who giggled and took bets on how many times he would say "going forward", much hated Softwron chief Rock McDosh announced that it was hiring legal legend Liam Titbits to press the corporation's case.

"Softwron is a little fluffy kitten in a world full of washing machines," McDosh remarked ludicrously.

"There are many, bad people out there who thoughtlessly leave open the doors of their machines when not in use. Mr Titbits's job, going forward," - ironic cheer - "is to make sure those doors are kept closed. Using the full weight of our legal system, we will pursue miscreant washing machine owners ruthlessly until we bring them to justice, bankruptcy, suicide or all three if applicable."

Liam Titbits, 40, is widely feared throughout the legal world for his shameless use of pun and similar linguistic tics. Prosecuting in the 2001 case of Jelicious Java vs. The People, in which a distributor of beverages was found guilty of selling product contaminated with the tuberculosis bacterium, Titbits notoriously summed up by saying "It was the coffee that made them coughy".

Titbits was upbeat about his prospects with Softwron, following the recent successful conclusion of his class action against Scaly Pets Inc.

"The tortoise tort has taught us a whole bunch of stuff," he remarked, shouting to make himself heard above jeers and groans from the press gallery.

Wordplay is a low form of humour resorted to in desperation by those who should know better. It is only really successful is in the skilful hands of top Britbard William Shakespeare, notably in this famous couplet from Julius Caesar:

CAESAR: Doth not Brutus bootless kneel? Infamy! Infamy! They've all got it in for me! [Dies.

Although we should also acknowledge the work of the Marx Bros in this area, before the Marxists depart in a huff. Altogether now. ®



Previously:
Softwron number stolen

Top 5 reasons to deploy VMware with Tegile

More from The Register

next story
Are you a fat boy? Get to university NOW, you PENNILESS SLACKER
Rotund types paid nearly 20% less than people who didn't eat all the pies
Oz carrier Tiger Air takes terror alerts to new heights
Don't doodle, it might cost you your flight
Emma Watson should SHUT UP, all this abuse is HER OWN FAULT
... said an anon coward who we really wish hadn't posted on our website
Japan develops robot CHEERLEADERS which RIDE on BALLS
'Will put smiles on faces worldwide', predicts corporate PR chief
Bruges Booze tubes to pump LOVELY BEER underneath city
Belgian booze pumped from underground
Amazon: Wish in one hand, Twit in the other – see which one fills first
#AmazonWishList A year's supply of Arran scotch, ta
Let it go, Steve: Ballmer bans iPads from his LA Clippers b-ball team
Can you imagine the scene? 'Hey guys, it's your new owner – WTF is that on your desk?'
Oi, London thief. We KNOW what you're doing - our PRECRIME system warned us
Aye, shipmate, it be just like that Minority Report
prev story

Whitepapers

Providing a secure and efficient Helpdesk
A single remote control platform for user support is be key to providing an efficient helpdesk. Retain full control over the way in which screen and keystroke data is transmitted.
Intelligent flash storage arrays
Tegile Intelligent Storage Arrays with IntelliFlash helps IT boost storage utilization and effciency while delivering unmatched storage savings and performance.
Beginner's guide to SSL certificates
De-mystify the technology involved and give you the information you need to make the best decision when considering your online security options.
Security for virtualized datacentres
Legacy security solutions are inefficient due to the architectural differences between physical and virtual environments.
Secure remote control for conventional and virtual desktops
Balancing user privacy and privileged access, in accordance with compliance frameworks and legislation. Evaluating any potential remote control choice.