Feeds

Stob: Why men buy blue pills

They’re for a friend

  • alert
  • submit to reddit

Combat fraud and increase customer satisfaction

(Previously: Sam "The Spam" Osborne, the notorious spamillionaire, has improbably represented himself as a philanthropist.)

Time for the interview proper. Did he admit spamming was immoral?

"Spamming? Immoral?" He was amazed. "You’ve seen my operation. I’m providing a public service!"

In what sense, I wondered, was it a public service to send out 10 million emails per day tempting the unfair sex to buy wildly expensive and dubiously effective drugs to enlarge/stiffen their dangly bits?

"You need to understand men, Ms Stob." He leant back in his chair, staring up at the ceiling. "We are inhibited. We are not, to use Californian jargon, 'in touch with our own feelings'. We’d rather die than take these problems to the doctor, much less talk to a friend. An approach by a supposedly random bulk-email message is the only way to overcome the barrier of male bashfulness."

He paused a moment, to let this idea sink in.

"And anyway, our pills are absolutely harmless…"

Absolutely harmless? Did this mean he admitted that his drugs had no effect? Didn’t that make it fraud?

"Not at all. It’s medically proven that erectile dysfunction and size perception problems are nearly always psychological. The best treatment is some kind of placebo. Let a man take a pill and he feels he is doing something – and that’s half way to being cured.

"Yes, you are right: the pills have no intrinsic effect. As you programmers put it, that’s a feature not a bug. They won’t poison the patient if he overdoses in a fit of, um, excitement.’

So why did these sugar pills, or whatever they were, have to cost £35 per bottle? He could hardly claim that he was deferring the cost of expensive medical research.

"It’s the psychological angle again. If it weren’t expensive, it wouldn’t be convincing. The more these men pay for my pills, the more successful the treatment.

"Besides, we have done some research. Our survey has shown that mine is the most successful non-prescription treatment available. Much more successful than the most popular non-prescription treatment."

And what, I wondered, was the most popular non-prescription treatment?

The corners of Mr Osborne’s mouth pursed in disapproval. He put his folded hands on his blotter. He looked like a country solicitor reading out a controversial will where all the money has gone to the black sheep with a gambling habit.

"Putting a bit of talc on it after a shower," he said gruffly.

[To be continued] ®

3 Big data security analytics techniques

More from The Register

next story
Forget the beach 'n' boardwalk, check out the Santa Cruz STEVE JOBS FOUNTAIN
Reg reader snaps shot of touching tribute to Apple icon
Oz bank in comedy Heartbleed blog FAIL
Bank: 'We are now safely patched.' Customers: 'You were using OpenSSL?'
Happy 40th Playmobil: Reg looks back at small, rude world of our favourite tiny toys
Little men straddle LOHAN, attend tiny G20 Summit... ah, sweet memories...
Spanish village called 'Kill the Jews' mulls rebranding exercise
Not exactly attractive to the Israeli tourist demographic
Lego is the TOOL OF SATAN, thunders Polish priest
New minifigs like Monster Fighters are turning kids to the dark side
Dark SITH LORD 'Darth Vader' joins battle to rule, er, Ukraine
Only I can 'make an empire out of a republic' intones presidential candidate
Chinese company counters pollution by importing fresh air
Citizens line up for bags of that sweet, sweet mountain air
Google asks April Fools: Want a job? Be our 'Pokemon Master'
Mountain View is prankin' like it's 1999...
prev story

Whitepapers

Designing a defence for mobile apps
In this whitepaper learn the various considerations for defending mobile applications; from the mobile application architecture itself to the myriad testing technologies needed to properly assess mobile applications risk.
3 Big data security analytics techniques
Applying these Big Data security analytics techniques can help you make your business safer by detecting attacks early, before significant damage is done.
Five 3D headsets to be won!
We were so impressed by the Durovis Dive headset we’ve asked the company to give some away to Reg readers.
The benefits of software based PBX
Why you should break free from your proprietary PBX and how to leverage your existing server hardware.
Securing web applications made simple and scalable
In this whitepaper learn how automated security testing can provide a simple and scalable way to protect your web applications.