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Are you moody, irritable and even physically ill? Do you suffer from insomnia and eye strain? Are the muscles in your right hand tighter than a gnat's chuff?

Our Victorian ancestors would have put it down to excessive masturbation but, thanks to huge advances in medical science, the truth can now be revealed: you're addicted to text messaging and you need help. Right now.

Thank heavens then for The Priory - a favourite refuge of tired, emotional, drunk and drug-addled UK celebs - which is offering SMS addiction therapy.

Priory addiction supremo Dr Mark Collins says some of his clients are texting for seven hours a day. Which makes us wonder how these poor souls can ever earn enough to book themselves into The Priory in the first place.

Still, business is booming, and set to continue that way for the foreseeable future. Brits now send £1.7 billion worth of texts per annum, up £700m on last year. This rise coincides with a shocking increase in so-called "behavioural" addictions, including shopping and sex, which shrinks reckon "arise from a desire to escape emotional difficulties such as depression, stress or anxiety".

So, if you deal with anxiety by having sex in a Marks & Spencer changing room while texting your best mate, seek professional assistance immediately. Alternatively, and in the best tradition of British self-help, flush your mobile down the toilet and go and have a pint instead. ®

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