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Cyberkiosk assaults Spanish teenager

Rise of the Machines Part II

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Internet Security Threat Report 2014

It only merited a brief report on Yahoo! yesterday, but the story of the teenager-eating Madrid telephone kiosk further confirms our suspicions that the eventual rise of the machines and the subjugation of humanity is only a matter of time.

The unfortunate victim was trapped by the finger when attempting to get a €1.50 refund from the belligerent booth. The phone's anti-theft system swung into action trapping the eighteen-year-old for over two hours.

She was eventually freed after firefighters completely dismantled the cyberkiosk.

Chillingly, this comes just a couple of years after our report on the shopper-eating cyberloo which ate a middle-aged woman on a trip to Newcastle-uopn-Tyne. On that occasion it also required the violent intervention of the fire brigade to liberate the hostage.

Sadly, the Spanish online media seems oblivious to the threat on its doorstep, with both El Mundo and abc choosing to ignore this terrifying warning. Indeed, we cannot help feeling that changes to the Spanish constitution and the indictment of the former president of Nicaragua will be the least of Spaniards' worries when they are fighting a vicious war of survival against murderous telephonic Terminators over the rubble-strewn remains of Madrid.

Update

In response to those Spaniards who have emailed to point out that the woman in question was trapped by a humble telephone kiosk, and not in fact a malevolent cyberdevice, we'd like to point them and other readers in the direction of 1972 film La Cabina by Antonio Mercero.

The film tells the disturbing story of a man unable to escape from a telephone box which is eventually taken away on the back of a truck, its occupant still inside.

This prophetic work clearly warns of the dark forces which are only now executing their plan for the enslavement of humanity.

And if that doesn't convince you, then try this: when bored, or short of more intellectually rigorous material, journalists will pick on any story which appears to reinforce their own prejudices. In this case, that phone boxes and cybertoilets are the vanguard of a homicidal robot army.

For the record, we concede that Spanish TV has given plenty of coverage to this particular episode. We can only conclude that the "if it bleeds, it leads" principle was applied in this case, in the absence of more pressing material. ®

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