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Next week sees the launch of the so-called "Miss Digital World" competition - a chance for designers and programmers to win a virtual beauty contest by sending their computer-generated e-Babes down the online catwalk.

Franz Cerami is the man with the plan and the artistic vision: "Every age has its ideal of beauty, and every age produces its visual incarnation of that ideal from the Venus de Milo in ancient Greece to Marilyn Monroe in the 1960s. Miss Digital World is the search for a contemporary ideal of beauty, seen through virtual reality," he expounds.

Yup, typical bloke's flim-flam for what is little more than a chance for hormonally-charged geeks to give flesh to their masturbatory fantasies. Mercifully, the organisers have some moral and ethical framework propping up this nonsense: "They [contestants] should not have taken part - not even as extras or cameos - in pornographic films, shows or plays nor have made statements...in any way out of tune with the moral spirit of the competition."

Bearing this in mind, any digital artists, advertising agencies or videogame programmers are invited to send their leggy lovelies - complete with date of birth and body measurements - to the organisers. And, if any reader fancies his or her chances, here are a few pointers:

  • Give a creation date of no later than November 1987. Anything after that will probably attract the attention of Lolita-busting paedocops.

  • Know your target audience. Just consider the romantic ideal of young men who spend 22 hours a day eating pizza in front of a computer. So, breasts larger than 36D, please.

  • To avoid your creation making statements "in any way out of tune with the moral spirit of the competition", stick with this formula: "I like children and animals and my ambitions are to travel the Internet and make people happy."

  • It is, however, quite acceptable for your digital diva to throw backstage tantrums in the time-honoured style of Naomi Campbell. They should not, however, blow away fellow contestants in the time-honoured style of Lara Croft.

  • If by any chance your electronic Emmanuel has previously appeared in a low-rent pornographic production - even as a humble fluffer - or has been working as a lap-dancer, or has a drug habit, or once spent time in the Big Brother house, just don't mention it on the application form.

  • And remember: real beauty is on the inside.
Bootnote

Would-be contestants are directed to the

Miss Digital World website

, although they should note that at time of publication, the site is "under construction". ®

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