BOFH and The Boss's Porn

Episode 15

BOFH 2003: Episode 15

So I'm wandering past The Boss's office one day, when I notice that tell-tale puzzled-yet-vaguely-interested-but-revolted expression on his face which that can only mean one thing.

Hard Core Porn.

Improvising, I grab a sheet of paper from his PA's desk and barge in.

"If I could just get your signature on this or... oooerrr, what IS that," I ask, tailing off to tones of disgust.

"I... I was trying to find out something on Waterskiing."

"And you just happened to click on the first watersports category you found?"

"I..."

"And then clicked on the 'Sure, I'm an adult with a disgusting obsession, let me in'?"

"No, I..."

"Then browsed your way into image number.... 9 of a.. 17 part series."

"I..."

"Don't worry - you're secret's safe with me - I've signed a confidentiality clause with the company which means that I can't tell ANYONE about ANYTHING I've seen at the company."

"Yes, but..."

"No matter HOW depraved."

"I..."

"Or liable to get someone fired. In fact, I wonder if the clause covers people who're breaking company Internet usage policy? I guess it doesn't, when you come to think of it, because..."

"I got here by accident," The Boss whimpers. "I never realised that people could do..."

"Of course you didn't - and I advise you to stick to that defence. It's certainly better than the 'I was just intrigued and wondered what drew people to it' or 'My browser just went berserk and started popping through the pages' which we hear so often. No, I'm sure that would be an acceptable reason for your behaviour!"

"I BLOODY GOT HERE LOOKING FOR WATERSKIING INFORMATION!" The Boss snaps, going on the offensive in an attempt to turn the inquisition tables on me. "The wife and I are going to beach resort for a couple of weeks and I thought I'd pick up a couple of pointers so as not to look like a complete duffer!"

"You and your wife, really? Does SHE know about your... uh? tendencies?"

"Oh you can't tell her!" he crumbles. "It was a bloody accident, I searched for waterskiing and things and refined my search to watersports in general, then chose this site because it said it was 100 percent relevant."

"Relevant to YOU, yes."

"What?!"

"Well those search engines remember what you've searched for and browsed to in the past. So when it says relevant, it means to YOUR INTERESTS, not to the TOPIC you were searching for."

"So what I've looked for from this machine?"

"Yes."

"But this is a new machine - the Helpdesk came and installed it yesterday! So it must have been them who were doing the bad things"

"I don't think the Helpdesk have been 'Browsing the Pink' so to speak, as they work in an open plan office where people could have seen what they were doing at any time - unlike yourself."

"They must have - it's a brand new machine."

"So you got rid of your old machine?"

"Yes, it was very noisy apparently."

"It's quite a good idea to roll over your machine every few months or so - to cover your tracks. You've gone up a notch in my estimation."

"I didn't want a new machine! They said that I was due for replacement, transferred all my files, and gave me this! I was happy the way things were!"

"Of course you were. Like I said, Mum's the word. Now, was that all the porn you were looking at, or was there more? I'm only asking because I assume that you'd want it erased from the cache logs so as not to appear in some disciplinary action taken when the logs are reviewed."

"You review the cache logs."

"Of course. We say it's to improve hit efficiency, but really it's just to refer items to the HR group. See, we're not permitted to LOOK for indiscretions, but if we encounter them in the course of our day-to-day operations...."

"Look, I've told you, it was just this one image, by accident."

"So you wouldn't mind clicking on the BACK button."

"I..."

"Here, I'll do it for you. >click< Oh, 8/17 >click< 7/17... "

"OK, OK, so I looked at it, but it was all so.. well.., weird"

"Uh huh, >click< 6/17 >click< 5/17, my goodness, what is that?!?"

"I don't know, that's obviously a leg, but I can't work out...."

Our conversation is interrupted by the arrival of the Boss's PA with a magazine in her hand.

"Just wanted to get your signature on this.. ohmigoodness, what is that?!!!!"

"It's OK, he was explaining how he'd accidentally browsed there," I respond, nipping the horror in the bud.

Or not.

"Two guys, browsing some disgusting porn together.." she comments sourly.

"I.. I was trying to find out something on Waterskiing"

"And you went straight to.... er.. Watersports?"

"Uh."

"And then clicked on 'Let me in'?"

"No, I.."

"Then browsed your way into image number...5 of a... 17 part series."

So of course we're screwed...®

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