Feeds

BOFH beats the Boss

He's become a liability

  • alert
  • submit to reddit

Protecting against web application threats using SSL

Episode 20 BOFH 2003: Episode 20

So the Boss has finally tipped a little too much of the overproofed rum on his cereal in the morning and has become a liability.

Well, when I say "become a liability", I ACTUALLY mean "become MORE of a liability".

Well, when I say "MORE of a liability", I ACTUALLY mean "a complete nightmare".

Well, when I say "complete nightmare" I mean: nightmare as in turning up to work brushed cotton pyjamas with a gaping fly, having to give a televised lecture to all the eligible women in the world and having the pants fall down. And then having a test about a subject you haven't studied for. In a tunnel that just keeps getting smaller and smaller.

In other words, a liability.

The crunch came when he committed to buying all the scheduled desktop replacements at a local retailer advertising package deals because that way everyone got a scanner, inkjet printer and modem in the bundle, which was a bargain. If that wasn't bad enough, he decided to give them a choice of desktop or tower models. And, as every administrator with even the SLIGHTEST clue knows, the LAST thing you give your users is a choice.

And the calls haven't stopped since. And not just from the people wanting to know the virtues of horizontal over vertical - a PFY strongpoint apparently - but also from those whose desktop wasn't scheduled for replacement but has suddenly got a pen up the power supply.

The coincidence intrigues me, and after a bit of legwork the common denominator is revealed: young, cute, female. I lock the PFY in the lift for two hours with the Pan Pipe music turned up to 10 so he can contemplate his sins.

So the Boss has to go. Only it's getting tricky now because the Head of IT is a bit twitchy about all the Health and Safety fines we've racked up in the past. It seems that being an IT manager has a job danger index approaching that of an Elite republican guard.

...

"Long Term Secondment?" the PFY asks, as I unveil my plan.

"Yep. You give someone enough info that they sneakily create themselves a cushy job in another group, then drop the role like second period maths once you've appointed someone to replace them. It's a great idea which someone posted to one of the Bastard blogs! Wish I'd thought of it myself!"

"So, maybe we could put them in Shipping?" he offers.

"Nah, they've only got two people - it apparently needs to be in a reasonably large department that's not actually growing, but might possibly want to add people to bolster the impression of dynamism."

"THE BEANCOUNTERS!"

"Yes!" I concur, joyfully. "Now all we've got to do is think up some reason why he'd want them and they'd want him."

"He'd make the company more money?"

"Nah, no one cares about that. The best motivators are personal prestige or the chance to shaft someone whose guts they really hate."

"Like us, you mean?"

"Yes. Good point. But what role?"

"What about IT Asset Management! They're always asking us to track down 'lost' inventory."

"Yes, and they'd been keen to sniff out something dodgy!"

"But would the Boss go for it?"

"With a PA running his life and using his office by extortion?"

"Ah..."

. . .

Two days later the fix is in. After a ten-minute Google frenzy I find a couple of articles to support the need for an IT Asset Manager, fake up an 'IT-Auditweek' newsletter with the links concerned and implying that organisations that didn't have an IT Manager in the Auditing role were probably losing millions of quid every year to e-shrinkage, and then anonymously e-mail it to some senior beancounters.

The Boss fell over himself to get the role, saving me having to lie that the company auditors were a little concerned with the expenses his PA had been claiming for him. Quicker than you can say Technical Manager in charge of Asset Management and Tracking, the Boss was one!

For about a day - until the PFY helpfully noted that the same functionality was built into our current helpdesk software. But you know what they say, one door closes and another one slams shut and has planks nailed over it...

"Lucky I didn't move out of my office," the Boss chuckles nervously, wandering up to his door.

"Your office?" his PA asks, looking up from his desk.

"Well, TECHNICALLY my office."

"No, technically it's my office," she responds, pointing at the new nameplate. "I noticed the transfer and applied for the role, what with my intimate knowledge of the area."

Oh, she's good!

"But I'm back!"

"No, I believe you're redundant," she responds, waving a recently delivered sheet of paper around.

"But that's constructive dismissal!"

"It's only constructive if we create the position - but you thought this role up and proposed it, didn't you?"

. . .

And about now I'm getting that nasty deep down feeling that I've been played.

"But I am looking for an assistant..."

Oh, she's really good.

Women like that, you can't help imagining what they'd look like administering a Linux farm.

OK, so I need to get out more... ®

BOFH is copyright © 1995-2003, Simon Travaglia. Don't mess with his rights.

Choosing a cloud hosting partner with confidence

More from The Register

next story
Wanna keep your data for 1,000 YEARS? No? Hard luck, HDS wants you to anyway
Combine Blu-ray and M-DISC and you get this monster
Google+ GOING, GOING ... ? Newbie Gmailers no longer forced into mandatory ID slurp
Mountain View distances itself from lame 'network thingy'
US boffins demo 'twisted radio' mux
OAM takes wireless signals to 32 Gbps
Apple flops out 2FA for iCloud in bid to stop future nude selfie leaks
Millions of 4chan users howl with laughter as Cupertino slams stable door
Students playing with impressive racks? Yes, it's cluster comp time
The most comprehensive coverage the world has ever seen. Ever
Run little spreadsheet, run! IBM's Watson is coming to gobble you up
Big Blue's big super's big appetite for big data in big clouds for big analytics
Seagate's triple-headed Cerberus could SAVE the DISK WORLD
... and possibly bring us even more HAMR time. Yay!
prev story

Whitepapers

Secure remote control for conventional and virtual desktops
Balancing user privacy and privileged access, in accordance with compliance frameworks and legislation. Evaluating any potential remote control choice.
WIN a very cool portable ZX Spectrum
Win a one-off portable Spectrum built by legendary hardware hacker Ben Heck
Storage capacity and performance optimization at Mizuno USA
Mizuno USA turn to Tegile storage technology to solve both their SAN and backup issues.
High Performance for All
While HPC is not new, it has traditionally been seen as a specialist area – is it now geared up to meet more mainstream requirements?
The next step in data security
With recent increased privacy concerns and computers becoming more powerful, the chance of hackers being able to crack smaller-sized RSA keys increases.