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Those of you still struggling to come to terms with this morning's World Cup result might take consolation from the fact that you are not currently forced to watch your wife samba round the garden draped in a Brazilian flag.

Yes, it's going to be a very long and very black Friday here in the Haines household as my beloved spouse Claudete - a native of Brasilia - savours every painful moment of her country's triumph.

It was always going to be a lose-lose scenario. If England had won, she wouldn't have spoken to me for a month. As it is, she's more than happy to speak to me. Trouble is, the only words coming out of her mouth are "two" and "one". Oh, the utter, utter humiliation.

Still, I can gain some consolation from the fact that our six-month-old daughter Katarina maintained a dignified neutrality throughout the ninety minutes.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to lock myself in the shed for a week with a photograph of Bobby Moore. ®

Internet Security Threat Report 2014

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