Those Reg yellow button shirt compo results in full
Warning: contains swearing and scenes of violence from the start
We know that readers have been barely able to contain their excitement at the prospect of the results announcement for our yellow button shirt competition.
Well, the moment has arrived. To recap, we invited readers to nominate someone worthy to sport the last of our now legendary yellow button shirts:
Nasty, very nasty. Naturally, many of you simply could not pass up on the chance to express your true feeling towards that special someone.
We originally offered three prizes of one, two and three shirts, but, due to the exceptionally high quality of entries, we have decided to give away six individual shirts.
As is traditional with Vulture Central competitions, we'll kick off proceedings with those who were immediatley disqualified. First up, we can dispense with the obligatory MS bashing, courtesy of SmileatEnemies:
I think that Bill Gates would look good in one of those because I spend 50% of my time since 1985 picking the virus flies out of DOS Windows and NT carcasses while the bastards gloats over my clients money like a vulture
Yes, yes, very good. Now, what about the cheeky monkey who reckoned that:
I think Simon Travaglia would look good in a yellow button shirt because, well he's the BOFH. I hear he's been "promoted" to Management now, at Waikato University. HAH. I think it'd be really funny for the BOFH (Who's now a suit!) to have to wear one of those around work ;)
Moving swiftly on, there were those who decided to completely ignore the spirit of the competition and attempt to get some free merchandising for themselves. Take it away, Markku Leppänen
I think that I do know the correct person to receive one of your magnificent yellow button shirts.
I know that he was extremely tempted to buy one from your January sale, couldn't just make up his mind in time. To emphasise his good taste he has been observed to attend the department board meetings wearing dark green jeans, yellow button shirt with moomimpappa figure embroided on the right breast and a black leather vest.
To my embarassment I must admit that I see him frequently, in fact every time I look in the mirror...
Hmmm. To this list of shame we can add the name of Ian Stuart:
I think I would look good in a yellow button shirt because it would make a change from the usual beige Scottish Land Rover Club polo-shirts I always wear to work.
and Matthew Webber:
I think I would look good in a yellow button shirt because I have a huge head and the yellow would make it look smaller.
Enough. Also rejected were those entries attempting to gain cheap laughs from disability. Blake Zuckerman nominated LH because he's a colour-blind bastard and wouldn't notice... Heh heh heh. One Paddy suggested Sebastien because he's French, while Jason Lucas was insistant that WJ needs a boost in the wardrobe department since he's Welsh and doesn't get the attention he needs.
We seem to be missing the point here. Where's the venom? Where's the vitriol? Let's up the ante with Leenig:
I think X would look good in a yellow button shirt because... because hopefully it would hang down and hide his very small penis
Better. What about SlasherX?:
I think ZJ would look good in a yellow button shirt because he slept with my wife three times and he did it to annoy me and my ulcer.
Oh yes. There's nothing like an embittered ex, is there? Take LLoyd, who'd like former girlfriend L to wear yellow because If she is wearing it, it will be easier for me to pick her off when I am @ the top of the clock tower going postal :-). And, in a similar vein, kcb feels that our QA Manager K would look good in a yellow button shirt because... It would make it easier for her own troops to shoot her, which they certainly would, should she ever join the American Military.
Good stuff. Now on with the winners. Top of the class in the 'my ex-girlfirend' category was AW - an angry, angry man:
I think my ex-girlfriend J would look good in a yellow button shirt because...
- I haven't managed to procure an Afghan burkha for the evil doxy yet
- the painted jezebel would become unattractive and therefore I wouldn't attempt to snog her every time that I see her while drunk
- it would be so large on her spindly frame that I could employ her usefully as either an umbrella or signal flag
Let's have a big round of applause for DH. We reckon the following might strike a chord with many readers:
I think RM (My college sys admin) would look good in a yellow button shirt because:
- of his firm beleif that the RM Network he runs, with 98 clients is "secure".
- his complete and total blind percistance of attempting to sell everyone printer credits, 60/£1 when the ini file that controls them is stored in the user's home area.
- "backups" are things that happen to "other people"
- the college has over 160 stations, and theres a single channel ISDN net connection shared between them, with bandwidth restrictions.
- The ginger hair.
- The nissan micra
- the "4 meg of space is enough for anyone" attitude
- the blocking of every single port, including 110 and 25, which is handy.
- he'd probably like the shirt.
As damning as list of shame as you're ever likely to encounter I'm sure you'll agree. Well-reasoned and argued, unlike this from JW:
I think AH, contract support wanker at XXX would look good in a yellow button shirt because... he's a c**t. Please accept my apologies for the colourful language; its just that he's a c**t. Oh and my wife agrees!
Ooo-er. As an antidote to this litany of hate, we decided to award one shirt to high-flying Andrew Bates:
I think Vulture squadron would look good in a yellow button shirt because it will match our three yellow gliders! Solo members of Edinbugh uni Gliding club join the infamous 'vulture squadron' and we have never before come across clothing so well tailored to our club! There are five of us at the moment, please please send us some shirts!!!
Vulture Squadron? How could we refuse? Just the one shirt, mind. And we'll be expecting a picture. Deal?
The excitement mounts as we move now into the final two winners. Occasionally, we will get an entry of such high quality that it barely requires explanation. Will Tor-Martin Tveit please mount the podium to collect his award?:
I think my colleague Antti Tohka would look good in a yellow button shirt because he has this picture
on his desktop background. This shows that he has an exeptionally poor taste and would probably be one of the very few people who could be seen actually wearing a yellow Reg button shirt. Luckily there is a wall between our desks!
Sensational. Proof indeed that Finland is the only country where the mullet/tash combo has not been declared illegal. And the man does karaoke too! Antti, we salute you.
But there can only be one winner. Our laureate was nominated by no less than 64 people. You've guessed it - one yellow button shirt is on its way to Bernie Shifman, that scourge of noticeboards worldwide, and quite possible the most unpopular man on the web.
Shifman has plastered his CV across the net, apparently without success. So, as Richard Likness points out, he would look good in a yellow button shirt because I"m sure some restaurant somewhere definitely has a yellow uniform shirt their burger flippers wear.
And that's the politest nomination we received. The rest we'll leave to your imagination.
Thanks as ever to all our entrants. We can now declare the infamous Vulture Central yellow button shirt officially consigned to history. RIP. ®