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BOFH: 'Twas the night before Christmas

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Episode 32

BOFH 2001: Episode 32

'Twas the night before Christmas, on Management floor
Not a creature was stirring, except by the door;
The Board Member's stockings were hung up with care,
In hopes that their bonus cheques soon would be there;

The workers had missed out - the bonuses few,
Just enough for the bosses, (and shareholders too)
The Bastard was slighted, this wasn't that good
Action was needed - a la Robin Hood.

The bosses were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of pound signs danced in their heads;
The Boss in his diapers, asleep in a trice
Was dreaming a storm about him and Posh Spice

When out from the freight lift arose such a clatter,
The CCTV panned to see to the matter.
To the front desk ripped a guard in a flash
A stain down his front from a half-complete slash.

His view a white visage of fresh spray-on snow
Obscuring the larceny happening below
And what to his prying eyes else would it show?
The Bastard and PFY, hacksaw in tow.

With a tea trolley laden with construction brick
He'd know in a moment it wasn't St. Nick.
More rapid than diarrhoea, their work tools they came,
They chuckled, the sniggered, and called them by name;

"Now, HAMMER! now, HACKSAW! now, PHILLIPS HEAD and FLAT!
On, CUTTERS!, On GRINDER!, ERASER and NO-STATIC MAT!"
Away to the boardroom! Half way down the wall!
The safe and its contents, soon open to all!

And then, in a twinkling, I heard near the tree
The sound of a chainsaw being started with glee!
A camera swung wildly, alert from the sound
In time to see Pine needles, all swirling around.

Disguised well in fur, from his head to his foot,
The Bastard was watching, face blackened with soot;
Acetylene torch lit and fired up as well,
Cutting through plate steel - leaving quite a smell.

Alarm bells were ringing, followed by a shout
And silenced five seconds on - System problem no doubt
The smoke from the cutter had cranked up the pace
As sprinklers discharged themselves all over the place.

His eyes -- how they twinkled! his dimples how merry!
As the PFY "topped up" the Management Sherry
His droll little mouth was drawn up in a grin
As sherry was emptied, and now for the Gin..

The videotape removed from a pocket unbidden
With scenes from the past year (from cameras hidden)
Some shocking, some sneaky, some fresh and some smelly
Timed later to screen from all lunchroom Tellys.

Security stumbled up four flights flat out
The lifts, they were broken - now figure that out.
He raced to the boardroom, be there in a tick!,
But look out! He's tripped over a sockful of brick.

They spoke not a word, re-instating the lifts,
Leaving stockings with brick, liberating the gifts
Collecting their spoils for the exit to night,
They stopped at the guard saying "You ain’t seen me, right?"

They sprang to the freight door, and out to the street,
Moving quite quickly - a night bus to meet!
And I heard them exclaim, as they mounted the Bus
"Merry Christmas to all and the drinks are on us!!"

BOFH is copyright © 1995-2001, Simon Travaglia. Don't mess with his rights.

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