Feeds

BOFH: 'Twas the night before Christmas

Poetry in Motion

  • alert
  • submit to reddit

3 Big data security analytics techniques

Episode 32

BOFH 2001: Episode 32

'Twas the night before Christmas, on Management floor
Not a creature was stirring, except by the door;
The Board Member's stockings were hung up with care,
In hopes that their bonus cheques soon would be there;

The workers had missed out - the bonuses few,
Just enough for the bosses, (and shareholders too)
The Bastard was slighted, this wasn't that good
Action was needed - a la Robin Hood.

The bosses were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of pound signs danced in their heads;
The Boss in his diapers, asleep in a trice
Was dreaming a storm about him and Posh Spice

When out from the freight lift arose such a clatter,
The CCTV panned to see to the matter.
To the front desk ripped a guard in a flash
A stain down his front from a half-complete slash.

His view a white visage of fresh spray-on snow
Obscuring the larceny happening below
And what to his prying eyes else would it show?
The Bastard and PFY, hacksaw in tow.

With a tea trolley laden with construction brick
He'd know in a moment it wasn't St. Nick.
More rapid than diarrhoea, their work tools they came,
They chuckled, the sniggered, and called them by name;

"Now, HAMMER! now, HACKSAW! now, PHILLIPS HEAD and FLAT!
On, CUTTERS!, On GRINDER!, ERASER and NO-STATIC MAT!"
Away to the boardroom! Half way down the wall!
The safe and its contents, soon open to all!

And then, in a twinkling, I heard near the tree
The sound of a chainsaw being started with glee!
A camera swung wildly, alert from the sound
In time to see Pine needles, all swirling around.

Disguised well in fur, from his head to his foot,
The Bastard was watching, face blackened with soot;
Acetylene torch lit and fired up as well,
Cutting through plate steel - leaving quite a smell.

Alarm bells were ringing, followed by a shout
And silenced five seconds on - System problem no doubt
The smoke from the cutter had cranked up the pace
As sprinklers discharged themselves all over the place.

His eyes -- how they twinkled! his dimples how merry!
As the PFY "topped up" the Management Sherry
His droll little mouth was drawn up in a grin
As sherry was emptied, and now for the Gin..

The videotape removed from a pocket unbidden
With scenes from the past year (from cameras hidden)
Some shocking, some sneaky, some fresh and some smelly
Timed later to screen from all lunchroom Tellys.

Security stumbled up four flights flat out
The lifts, they were broken - now figure that out.
He raced to the boardroom, be there in a tick!,
But look out! He's tripped over a sockful of brick.

They spoke not a word, re-instating the lifts,
Leaving stockings with brick, liberating the gifts
Collecting their spoils for the exit to night,
They stopped at the guard saying "You ain’t seen me, right?"

They sprang to the freight door, and out to the street,
Moving quite quickly - a night bus to meet!
And I heard them exclaim, as they mounted the Bus
"Merry Christmas to all and the drinks are on us!!"

BOFH is copyright © 1995-2001, Simon Travaglia. Don't mess with his rights.

SANS - Survey on application security programs

More from The Register

next story
This time it's 'Personal': new Office 365 sub covers just two devices
Redmond also brings Office into Google's back yard
Kingston DataTraveler MicroDuo: Turn your phone into a 72GB beast
USB-usiness in the front, micro-USB party in the back
Dropbox defends fantastically badly timed Condoleezza Rice appointment
'Nothing is going to change with Dr. Rice's appointment,' file sharer promises
BOFH: Oh DO tell us what you think. *CLICK*
$%%&amp Oh dear, we've been cut *CLICK* Well hello *CLICK* You're breaking up...
Just what could be inside Dropbox's new 'Home For Life'?
Biz apps, messaging, photos, email, more storage – sorry, did you think there would be cake?
IT bods: How long does it take YOU to train up on new tech?
I'll leave my arrays to do the hard work, if you don't mind
Amazon reveals its Google-killing 'R3' server instances
A mega-memory instance that never forgets
Cisco reps flog Whiptail's Invicta arrays against EMC and Pure
Storage reseller report reveals who's selling what
prev story

Whitepapers

Designing a defence for mobile apps
In this whitepaper learn the various considerations for defending mobile applications; from the mobile application architecture itself to the myriad testing technologies needed to properly assess mobile applications risk.
3 Big data security analytics techniques
Applying these Big Data security analytics techniques can help you make your business safer by detecting attacks early, before significant damage is done.
Five 3D headsets to be won!
We were so impressed by the Durovis Dive headset we’ve asked the company to give some away to Reg readers.
The benefits of software based PBX
Why you should break free from your proprietary PBX and how to leverage your existing server hardware.
Securing web applications made simple and scalable
In this whitepaper learn how automated security testing can provide a simple and scalable way to protect your web applications.