Roll up for the Regovision song contest

Wanted: One Reg corporate anthem

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What exactly, you were wondering, is the above photo all about? Why is Kieren McCarthy standing in London's Regent Street wearing a foam rubber Beenz costume? Why is John 'Lips' Leyden peering over Elvis's shoulder while a man advertising a golf sale on his hat checks his voicemail in the vain hope that someone, somewhere, will offer him a proper job? A good question.

Well, you can blame it all on Douglas Bostrom. Douglas sent us a link to corporateanthems.raettig.org, an amusing site where well-known tunes are given a lyrical makeover to comic effect.

This got us thinking. For the last three months we have had a lifesize cardboard Elvis hanging around the office. Microsoft sent him round, but we forget why. To be frank, the bloke has contributed nothing to the day-to-day running of Vulture Central - not even offered to make a cup of tea. So, it's time for him to go.

Accordingly, we are offering the chance to win this incredible prize. The winner will receive not only the cardboard crooner, but also the pick of our new Reg logo shirts, due to be released in our Reg shop in September. Nine runners-up will also be able to pick one shirt from the new range.

Any colour you like as long as it's one of these

The shirts come in white, ash, black and blue, and feature a new distinctive drop-shadow logo. They will be available in large and extra large, except for the blue which is XL only.

All you have to do to enter our competition is write a Register corporate anthem. The lyrics must be set to a well-known tune. Any tune will do, as long as it's instantly recognisible by Reg readers worldwide. As ever, the judges will be on the lookout for wit, erudition, correct use of metre and emotional power. Entries having a poke at Microsoft will, naturally, be binned.

If you're wondering how to get started on such a bewildering task, we offer the following example forwarded by Mark Gilmore. Mark culled it from a Yahoo! forum. If anyone knows the original author, put him or her in touch - they can have a t-shirt too:

(sung to the tune of that great 60s hit "Candy Man" by Sammy Davis Jr.)

Candyman Redux
by: i_m_n_him 07/19/01 11:26 am

Who can ban a necktie,
wrapped around a man
having colored lips and nail polish on his hand,

The Taliban can!
The Taliban can,
cause he mixes it with love
and says they're orders from above.

Who can swipe a chessboard?
Blast all Buddhas from the land?
Ban all movies, human hair and T.V. everywhere,
The Taliban can!
The Taliban can,
cause he mixes it with love
and says they're orders from above.

Who can shoot a Christian?
Explode a Jew or two?
"Pray" eight times a day with a rifle and grenade,
The Taliban can!
The Taliban can,
cause he mixes it with love
and says they're orders from above.

Who knows how to dress a lady,
so she never gets a tan?
Mutilate a woman-who-accident'ly touched a man?
The Taliban can!
The Taliban can,
cause he mixes it with love
and says they're orders from above.

Nice one. Send your entries to us here. Mark the subject Anthem. Closing date is Friday 24th August at 5.00pm BST. Results will be announced the following week. Good luck.

Oh yes, we nearly forgot about young Kieren and that Beenz costume. Well, the whippersnapper was recently thrown in the stocks for an afternoon after rigging an online poll. This met with widespread approval, although some thought the punishment rather light.

We agreed, and so when a Beenz costume co-incidentally became available, management ordered him to walk up and down Regent Street for an hour exposed to the cruel laughter of obstreperous French teenagers.

The result of this humiliation was twofold: Kieren now gets on with his work quietly and studiously; and Beenz has gone titsup.com. We do not believe that the two are related. ®

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