Definitive list of ‘dangerous’ Big Brother spin-offs revealed!

It's 1984 gone mad

TV stars move into Pig Brother sty

Many thanks to Christian Cook for this excellent list of Big Brother possibilities.

If George Orwell's timeless stand against loss of freedom being reduced to a voyeur fest of celeb wannabes wasn't bad enough ("Oh no, I have to clean the chickens again, so this is what losing your political freedom feels like!"), now we have the first sign of the dangerous spin-offs looming.

So, to nip all the stupidity in the bud, here's the definitive list to exhaust all the futile ideas before they even get off the ground...

Cig Brother
8 people, all with lung cancer, each week you get to vote one of them off the NHS waiting list.

Dig Brother
8 archaeologists, all very excited about the mouldy bones their dog found at the allotment. They get the chance to become the finds of the future as you vote to bury one of the smug idiots every week.

Fig Brother
5 bits of fruit in a bowl, which one shall I eat this week? - You decide!

Gig Brother
8 ageing guitarists, all of them left a famous group just before they made their big break, so why should we give them another chance now? You had your fifteen minutes and you blew it... programme scrapped.

Ig Brother
8 Eskimos living in a house made of snow. Each week you get to vote one of them out into the outside world...made of snow.

Jig Brother
8 morris dancers. Each week their families ring up to apologise profusely.

Mig Brother
8 Russian fighter pilots in one plane, who wins the loaf of bread and the pair of shoes - You decide!

Nig Brother
Good clean politically correct family entertainment hosted by Chris Morris, Ali G and Darcus Howe.

Rig Brother
Doesn't matter how many people ring up, the amusingly naive working-class person wins again!

Sig Brother
the legal hamsters from 8 .com startups attempt to produce the biggest e-mail sig in history and win a date with Claire Swires.

Stig Brother
8 people live on a dump. They can't sign on without a proper address and they can't afford to live anywhere decent without signing on. Each week, most people just ring up to complain about the noise and the smell.

Trig Brother
'Trigger' off 'Only fools and horses' in a house with 'Trigger' the horse. Do we really need to vote on this one?

Vig Brother
8 housewives from Bradford all have loansharks to pay off, which ones will get the visit from the bailiffs and who gets to keep the lovely nylon catalogue gear?

Wig Brother
8 celebrities who can't accept they're bald. who loses the rug? - you decide!

Sponsored: 5 critical considerations for enterprise cloud backup