Word has reached us of an Internet war. No ordinary war though. This one turns every other war on its head and has us Brits pitched against former allies Australia and by default America. Even scarier than this, the French have decided to join in this time and they're supporting us!

What is this war? The battle of the world's most downloaded woman. Last we heard it was that Yankie blonde bimbo Cynthia Margarine (aka Cindy Margolis) but the Aussies are making a pitch for it with Sara Jane, an actress and model from Down Under.

But they had reckoned without the stunning Brit Fi Glover. No, we're not asking you to download pictures of Fi. She is a DJ at Radio5 Live and she has hit upon the ideal woman to represent British interests. A real woman, not constrained by traditional obsessions with beauty or pumped-up breasts. The kind of woman that will keep our green and pleasant land forever the master of its own history using her mastery of psychology, her speed, wit, broom handle and hairnet.

Who else but Nora Batty?

Therefore, if you have any pride whatsoever in Britain, visit Fi Glover's page on Radio5 Live here or click and download Nora herself below. Good luck chaps. ®